Laughter

I've got a random fit of the giggles... I'm thinking of stuff we said and did at meeting, or conversations I had with friends, or just laughable circumstances! And for the life of me, I cannot stop grinning.

I love it when I am happy in God and however much the storm may be brewing around me, the fact that we're in love keeps me smiling - to the point, that I annoy myself for acting rather idiotish! Recently I know my posts haven't been supremely sunshiny me. I apologise for the whining and the ranting. But hey, my space to abuse, as I seem to remember having said before. And I know you guys (the few of you out there) won't begrudge me my raving-lunatic act once in a while.

I am happy today and feeling more like myself in God than I have in a long time. The church question continues. I've been hugely lazy. If you've been following, you know something of what I mean (er, okay, humour me while I imagine a loyal readership ;D). But still the joy that being in his presence brings is simply the most gorgeous feeling I could think of. MK has always remarked on it... he's a pastor, so I guess he's allowed to peek at people when they wroship! It has always been there but recently I've been afraid it'll leave... I am pretty foolish in my image of God, I box him up and fit him into the (very square) corners of my mind - and every time, God breaks out of it and I am in awe. In fact, by now I know I'm limiting God and I know He is bigger... except sometimes it takes me a bit longer to feel it. What can I say? - I'm slow :P

So I have a deadline to meet and it's 2 am in the morning and I am considering a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon tomorrow and I cannot sleep or concentrate because I feel like jumping up into the father's arms and laughing with him. And I wouldn't exchange this for anything in the world.

Happy new year, everyone!


PS Grafxgurl, I really do want to respond to your more-than-generous tagging of me... This post-script is an IOU. Enjoy home doubly seeing as I can't be there! xx

Family - and er etc

I've been reading some of my rants on romance or the lack thereof... and giggling some more! It seems like most of my blogs on the subject have been when I need to complain about it. Rather sad, that. I have met guys who are interesting to talk to, love God and actually care about what you think. I have friends who are fun to be with and easy to make conversation with and who are passionate about the right things. I'm not a 'misandrist (?)'. But unfortunately, my blogging on the romantic front in this country seems to be tempered by my reactions to the Indian-single-abroad-must-marry syndrome or by the it's-natural-to-be-jealous syndrome... Now the first shows symptoms such as:

Hey, you're Indian and you're beautiful. Can I have your number? OR I love you. OR God gave me a revelation last night... [to the uninitiated, this can happen two days into having been introduced, if you happen to be a single woman and Indian ethnically and living in, as it happens, the UK].

The second has only ever happened once but apparently in certain unnamed (non-Indian) parts of the world, it is the general way of life!

It was my parents' wedding anniversary yesterday. I have truly seen love that grows more with time... PErhaps my perception has also grown and changed. They're extremely different but have been so committed to making a family that they have stayed together and learned to love and grow and I will always be grateful for that! It's given me a pretty clear idea of what I want if I do get married as well. You get married, you stay married... and learn together. You put God first. You make the gestures - it's rather pathetic if only one of the two does, and the other doesn't show that he or she cares at all! It's even more pathetic when neither do. I have learned from what I've seen and what I haven't seen. If I ever do find the man God has for me, I want us to share a vision... not bargain about it along the way. If God says something, we both need to learn to obey - implicitly. I could go on and on.

But mainly, I want to thank my amazing parents for our family.

Traditions

My rough patches with God seem to be coming in droves because mainly I ignore them and assume they're done and dusted. Or they ARE done and dusted but I am eternally inventive problem-wise... I feel bad not talking about it and talking about lighter stuff... a bit like True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet... I'm obviously making my usual messes but happily going to the fair. But I can and shall go to the fair because an AA meeting is bloody boring when that's the diet ALL the time.

I've often been asked what Indian Christmases are... You know what? These are odd questions. It's a home Christmas, okay. The best kind ever ;D But I'm gonna try and paint a picture of what I'm missing (colossally) this year...

There are carols around a bonfire that the kids get excited about even though it's hardly cold. We have loads of biriyani - we visit each other without invites. We are disconcerted when people don't invite themselves... however silly and annoying a cousin can get, family's still family. We listen to Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole and yes, dangit, BoneyM. We LOVE BoneyM this time of year... we still even sell them. However much freakish blondes in somehow voluptuous Santa hats scream out of magazine and CD covers, we will have 'Zion's Daughter' crooned over us. It has never mattered to us whether we weren't Christian professedly... We still prefer Jesus in a manger in a wisp of a girl's arms to Mariah Carey lilting for you for Christmas! Not to say it's not a lovely song - but we're mainly homebodies and maybe we quite like tradition.

Christmas to me conjures up memories of my mum shining with make-believe stories and my dad grunting amused agreement to Santa's sleighbells... Of one memory of a distant bell and a telephone call and a completely empty street that clings to my mind like suction pads on the end of tentacles! When my dad picked up a phone but no one answered, of how it came a minute after I heard those random bells (either because they were ringing or my mum fabricated them into my easy imagination) -- and what stays with me is the fact that I (still) can't forget its excitement :) Christmas conjures up memories of whispering 'Merry Christmas' across the pew to the family - while the Bishop preached. Of hearing my father so-nearly honk his horn at 11 pm in our colony because I am STILL in the bathroom looking at my face or dress or whatever needs the most attention! Of cutting into rich plumcake at 2 am. Of debating whether we open our presents now or at breakfast. And we always have this debate, instead of having decided one way or another over twenty years... I used to wonder why the heck we didn't work ourselves out a tradition and stick with it. Lol - I guess the argument IS tradition!

Some traditions have taken a beating, some stuck around. Some ideas, my father says, should be passed on to me now. Me - I don't like change. If they didn't want to do it, why'd they do it just for me? I ask. And why should I do it when appa's done it every year.... ooohh no, now that is change. So some years we don't put the seed in soon enough for the grain to sprout in front of our little crib. And some years we don't decorate all the windows in time for Christmas eve... And we have our tugs-of-war... And we have family. And family goes like this:
Every year, my dad says: "Finally, Pilgrim can put that tree up now she's all grown up!"
Every year, I say: "But no! We're supposed to do it together!"
And every year, my mum says: "Hey, don't look at me!" or more literally, "Naana? Iye! :P"
And every year, that tree goes up!

In my Christmas prayer, every year of course, I remember to be glad because Christmas CAN be special to our family... because in all the tradition, its joy of birth and beginnings has meaning in our personal lives!

Luuurrrve

God is simply sooooo ace! I break his stuff and his heart and get to climb back on his lap by the end of the day. I'm challenged by the forgiveness I need to show in return.

In reference to my last post - I am back. ~Unfortunately I have this habit of measuring my distance to God - stupid, because He is infinitely holy.

Been listening to 'Mi primer amor' by MArcos Witt. And it's made me think - I'm glad no one ever really had a chance at that in my life. Ten was pretty young to fall head over heels in love and I am glad it was with the right person! Not that that made life hunky-dory afterwards... I make my fair share of messes. And my testimony does not end with the day I was saved - it probably only begins there. Salvation is the end of the beginning, I s'pose.

Picking up the pieces

Broke God's heart today. Not for the first time. Did something I've done once before in my life - just one afternoon of reading romantic fiction... And my bloodthirst for a story led me on to the end but unfortunately one of the links wasn't particularly romantic. So I read completely God-dishonouring stories today. I need to check into the local library to save my fiction-hunger. I knew it was wrong, I guess. There is the Song of Solomon but that should be enough! I am not proud of today - wasted my time and read crap. The two are intertwined. I would be all for reading good fiction any day.

It's funny. As soon as I knew that I'd left God's presence and it shook me up, instead of letting my heart be broken and facing what's worse - that I'd hurt him - I took to bartering. I was thinking dismally that without God's intimate presence, my poetry wasn't going to work. That there may be far-reaching consequences. And my first thought: God, take it; take the poetry... just don't take yourself away. In itself it wasn't a bad thing, I suppose. But sometimes you want to give something up so by beating yourself up, you save on the real pain. The real pain is that you hurt God. Kneeling on cold stone floors or paying absolution money doesn't cut it anymore... you know? He wrote the whole payment chapter. And signed it.

I want to be back, again. I don't want to wait for a far-reaching consequence. I'd rather have the consequences and get back in his presence quicker. But the two don't go together, I'm learning. And as much as that scares me, it also reassures me.

You break his heart, and still only he can pick up the pieces of yours!

Today, I had the best meeting ever with my supervisors... With both of them in the room, EP is very quiet and DC is ... well, abrasive, sometimes. For the first time, DC said 'you can' without any qualifiers and without the noticeable lack of a smile...

And it came after I decided it didn't matter. Doing well is a good thing - right? God wants it for you? But what if it grows to block the way? I said to God that I didn't want my concepts of glory and 'success' standing in the way, and while I wanted this DPhil, I was surrendering everything to His glory, without any disclaimers. And I really gave up my idea of doing well, not in a way that lacked faith but in a way that wanted to hold nothing back.

It wasn't a go-away-and-have-nothing-to-do meeting. There's a lot to do and work up to within a short time.

But I am humbled and happy.

I feel like I don't want to sit down and pray - if I did, I'd have to face what's happening.

Love - and some venting

It's very weird. I don't get it but have come to accept it... Every time you mention the word 'love', you get a busload of listeners. You get listeners who want the details - who miss the details when you leave them out, for goodness' sake. You get talkers who won't stop telling their story. I love it.

But it also goes against the grain - a bit, that is. Aha they're not that interested in love if it doesn't have me sighing over a member of the opposite sex, now, are they! Try it - you can probably count on your fingers the people you know who will actually disinterestedly listen to your love stories of friendship, of family, of sacrifice, of worship. Rather annoying, eh?

And why is it always 'do you have a boyfriend?'?! Has it ever occurred to the interlocutor that one may not always want a boyfriend? That one might be sticking out for the real thing - if that EVER happens - and quite happily single? That some people (yes, it is in the plural!) would rather not go out than go out with the wrong one? And to avoid that situation are quite happy to wait forever if necessary until God makes it pretty much obvious? AND seriously - must I, of necessity, be happy with your hints? MUST I be married if I don't feel compelled?

AND MUST I MUST I allow you to button my coat and have private walks with me whether or not you have the right? Surely it's not entirely weird if I said no? Or entirely hurtful? After all, we were never great friends. Surely also it's not unreasonable to expect you would say things outright instead of hoping I'd say them? I jolly well am going to use the fact that men were always the ones who were expected to do the work historically - well, at least to begin with. If you're going to make things uncomfortable - why is it my fault?

Gggaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ALSO BOY AM I GLAD NO ONE WHO KNOWS ME AND DOESN'T KNOW ME VERY VERY WELL READS MY BLOG.

Moments Like These

There isn't long we've got to hang around where we are... something tells me it's even shorter than I suspected. And all this spending with what isn't yours and hasn't been given to you, or storing up for what may not be worth all that much in the end seems completely crazy to me. Btw - anyone seen Credit Crunch the movie yet?

So from that starting point I've decided to redefine everything I'm doing and thinking and saying and planning. To take a long hard look at it and come up with its purpose really. A more realistic purpose.

I am doing what I do because I know it's in God's perfect will! He has several brilliant reasons for all of it... I'm afraid I don't. I have a few good reasons - one I've mentioned. The other is that I'm having fun. And three - it gets to me. If something makes me narrow my eyes and smile and my inside goes 'churny' in a certain sorta way and I know tears are a possibility as are unexplained grins on alone-time-walks... well then, PUHLEEZ believe it's worth it!
!
And God help my unbelief.

Metablogging

Humph. There is sooooo much trash on this blog - have been going through it. Also there is so much intense-soul-searching that no one's ever gonna care to read all of it... It's probably time to make a few rules. Maybe open a different blog that is more user-friendly. I am glad EH loved reading it. It is rather interesting in parts... but.

I mean here I am - procrastinating. And I need something funny to read and the little funny bits are stuck inside huge bits of rant and whine and love and poetry and... I mean honestly - when a girl wants to distract herself from important work, there's no place to go!

RM sent me a lovely little organiser with flowers on a pink and green layout. Come to think of it, it's a bit like what Grafx's done with my blog... Got another lovely parcel from foreign parts - well, NYC as always but hey, foreign to me. I love the feel of an awkward brown paper package in your arms as you trundle down the road home from the Porters' Lodge wondering what's inside. And how the slip of white paper with a number circled on it for you to find your little package on the porters' shelves makes you grin and sparkle... L'ma always writes on the description - 'cookies and candids'. I like that.

It takes me flipping aeons to make myself sit down and work on a paper I have to submit in two days. It's lovely in my head and then I just find it hard to sit down and write and by the time you're on your 5000th word, don't you forget precisely what you wanted to say at no. 7000? Aaahhh, academics!

W-H-Y

I don't know, Lord, I don't know.

Why quicken something in my heart? I have obeyed except for once. I have obeyed even when it's hard and confusing. Except of course those times I forget I need to know what you want!.... Except, except, except. But why when I have obeyed, it still has not come through? Why! What did they do that I haven't done?

Like - why was the nun raped in Orissa this week? Why was the one most precious thing to her, precious because she'd given it to you, taken away from her? Why was she allowed to eat dust before her assailants while the police watched on?! Like - why? Why her, why that, why now? I ask forgiveness for ever letting the thought cross my mind that she 'deserved it less' than anyone else. No, that is not my point... Just... Sometimes it's as if we're clinging to you hardest, and you train our fingers to cling even closer. Is it because we - you and I - get closer and US is the most important thing there is? Or is it that you know something about my reaction to the blessing I ask for that I can't imagine?

Probably both.

God, I hurt. And I love you. So much.

And yes, my prayer still is - you. You're all I want.

Every Day

"The music played in a slow relentless background to her self-vindication... What she had done, she didn't know. In bits and pieces, yes, but never fully. And she always remembered the pieces. Because if she let herself forget, meaning would be lost. Meaning must survive even if it is painfully false.

But today, there was a strange difference. The memory of a song when she could sing without the shadow. There was beauty in the shadow but it was stagnant. If it was never to be gone, never to be pure sun, the beauty of learning is over. She'd forgotten that.

The latticed window cast patterns on her recumbent figure. The book was near enough but she was afraid that she would have to think if she started to read. If she started to keep silent, if she started to look around. All she wanted was to wash the dishes, change the linen, switch the furniture. Anything but let herself hear herself. You know what I mean.

But if she could even hear her tears, see her apathy for the defence mechanism it was, if she could look long enough at herself, shut up and sit still - she would hear me. And it's all I want. All I ever wanted and thought of when I looked at her that day. The day she couldn't look at me, wouldn't look at me. The day I died. And she's been dying, little by little. Yet I am here and she will not look at me. When she does, she brings so much love to us-two. But it's hard for her to take more than she gives. It hurts. And it hurts me.

Oh, Father!"

Hands to the plough...

Yes, bear with me while I spew some more. Not quite sure what's bringing it all on - well, several things, I'd say.

So I'm here and I'm rather weepy about leaving. Not just because I won't see everyone for a long time, but because I simply don't know. I don't know what's round the corner. Not just for me this time, but even for the old folks.

I know that I know (preacher-style ;D) the ones I'm thinking about specifically will not choose to reconvert if it comes to that. To start with - they wouldn't be reconverting if they were asked to to Hinduism. We haven't been Hindus for more than a couple of generations. The first man to take the step made a name in Tamil literature whereby to witness and then simply walked into eternity. Since then we've all been Christian at least nominally.

Which brings me to point le deuxieme. They wouldn't be reconverting because they haven't stayed nominal. And when the time comes, the God I've prayed to to keep my hands to the plough, will prevail. The thing is I am sure my old folks share the exact same sentiment. And I guess, deep down in my unspoken and unthought-out irrationality, I was hoping my what-ifs would be answered while I were here. I am selfish. Entirely. While communicationless aadivaasi-ing in the forest would be fun with them, I cannot imagine what I would do if it did come now that I am leaving.

I know that the true church in other parts of India have suffered and are still hiding in fear of their lives. I hurt for them. You know my pain. In fact, when I first heard it blew everything else out of my mind. Tertullian was right - the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church.

AB (a Hindu) promises she will come and save the day to be with my parents. LOL - I love her for it, but the truth is, how many of us can really save the day? We won't have the choice. I will probably run like the wind back to where I hope to find them with or without the means, as I see it. But the only certainty if things should come to a pass (imagination overtime atm perhaps) is those everlasting arms underneath. I have asked my what-ifs like I said a few days ago. And unbidden and unhesitant, I know the answers. I know the answer. I know they are big what-ifs. They might never happen. Or they might be sooner than I think. It has come to my state. The one my history books told me were a peaceful people... And I know the answers I need. I have been given them.

But all I can think of in reaction is to hold them close to me as hard as I can. And know in that moment that God holds them dearer than I do.

Sunrise

I fell in love with Switchfoot's Only Hope a couple of months ago... When it seems like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again...

Zeph 3:17 - GOD does sing over us. Duh. He loves us.

Jer 29:11 - He also has a definite idea of the song. So if He did take Switchfoot's suggestion (or mine), then listen well! He knows the plans HE has for us.

Ever missed the sunrise or sunset on a flight? I did the last time - after beautiful views throughout, a decent dinner and lights-off put me promptly to sleep. And I missed the one thing I was hoping I wouldn't on this flight. Bah. And I woke up, to a cloudy I'm-the-only-one-awake sort of feeling. Except I wasn't. I love having someone who loves me so much that He wants to watch over me as I sleep! I love that after everything I do - over and over again - because I am entirely stupid and forget so often, He can still look into my eyes with so much love that it's not long before we both have tears. Someone so perfectly wonderful that I don't ever want to walk away from Him...

I didn't miss the sunrise that day actually. It was there in that smiling moment.

He happens

Okay, okay... maybe this isn't my story to tell. But I just want to say that God's amazing about knowing your needs. I have this lovely friend who was telling me about what God said to her the other day.

It was at a prayer meeting - the kind you've probably all been to or can well imagine. And here she was, feeling entirely out of it and asking God what had gone wrong. BM loves him so she wasn't too happy about status quo. Understandable.

And then God happened :). Like he sits her down in the middle of the meeting and in her completely silent spirit He tells her so she can hear: 'You know what? I invented doughnuts!' See, doughnuts are a favourite and she needed to laugh and she needed to see the person of God again to heal her stupid disconnect.

God happens.

Like I was biking through a barrier that I hadn't been able to pass, for nearly every day a month, without stopping and walking through or irrepairably falling from my bike! And I was having a really hard day. I was scared of my supervisors. So inadequate with everything. I hadn't had a brilliant meeting with the profs. And I had no idea what to do. I didn't know where the next day was coming from...

And it was raining. Conveniently. So the road was pretty empty and I was pretty broken. I cried. The tears sort of poured. And I figured - whatever, no one would know if they were tears or rain. I was crying a bit like the biblical Hannah too - and the random couple of passers-by looked, only to see me quickly shut my mouth and open again in a loud hum as if I were in the middle of song! And soon I arrived at the famous bike barrier.

And God says: 'Don't fall'.

Gobsmacked, I just sorta gasped and said 'Oh wow, thanks, Lord! You've just made my day so much better'. Obviously I didn't mean it at all, and I knew He knew. And I was sorta madly glad. So I carried on: 'I can't even cross this silly bike barrier without falling and you want me to do a DPhil and settle in and work?! And now you just... I dunno if I didn't know you better, it almost sounds like you're rubbing it in... But I trust you. And if you want me to learn another lesson today, then I know I probably need it'.

And God says again: 'Don't fall'. Quite clearly.

So I cast up a look at him, not in anger but more like a weepy-read-my-eyes-look, and hit the pedal.

And cross that barrier perfectly without stopping or slowing down for the first time in my life. I have never fallen since, with my eyes on Him.

And then God explained... 'cos He figured I was gonna take some time to work this one out... "Phil 4:13. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. You can do it but as long as it's my strength. Always. Keep your eyes on me. And you really can do it."

I didn't stop crying as I rode back in the rain. But I couldn't stop smiling either. Or laughing.

Jer 29:11

It's so easy to forget that God is sufficient that I amuse myself.

Things I love... Moments I love, rather... When I've spoken sharply to check a child or one of our dogs (not that the two are equal or any other such implication: i.e. if I offend you, then you've misunderstood me... That's my story and I'm sticking to it.) - anyway point in question - when I yell or even mildly flick Tass or Prince, they just squirm and then come running back to me for shelter. How wonderful is that?! It's the heart-cockle-warming-est feeling ever.

And maybe I have a lesson to learn. We all do. When correction comes in love, you know your safest place is to go to the person who's just told you they think you're wrong. They care enough to stop you, and to be honest with you. They may be right or wrong, but you know why they did it.

I cannot get over how my mum will never ever say 'fat' in connection with me... To her, I'm still that baby that needs to eat as much as it can get in to grow. LOL. Indianness, perhaps. But an old-fashioned kind.

Methinks I have been using Indianness as my synonym for old-fashioned-ness... And it's not anymore. India's changing and I'm stick some years before I was born - happily, I might add. I am glad that the Bible is never out of fashion. And the Bible has the copyright on love and obedience. When I am honest about 'old-fashioned-ness' it's not about values and ideals - fashions are much more about the self.

God is so good. S-O good!

Glad glad glad

So here's a late-night two minute spew spree that had to get out:

I am in INdiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Can you tell? Extended my stay by a week. I haven't stopped eating since I stepped on that flight. It was deep fried prawn today, will be chenna idli tomorrow - anybody ever try this absolutely delightful southern Indian deluxe version of idli?! I used to call 'em pregnant idlis. Too true. And biriyani, and naan, and amma's curry and periamma's curry, and non-sweet corn on the cob, and MANGOES (God is good ;D).

And the family - the amma-appa-periamma. The dogs. Tassi makes this gorgeous grunt-purr when you carry her... And comfortably slumps into the crook of your arm, for you to roll her little sausage-body whichever way you please. Prince has learned the trick of late. He has the grand melancholy that afflicted the Romantic poets. I believe he would have had much in common with the likes of Byron etc. But not a lot to say, the poor darling. He is too overawed by the incessance of Tassi's talk. Talk, she does! The puplet has so much to say to Appa these days. I am not being an overly crooning, gushing pet-owner. She actually lets loos a stream of multi-tonal and elongated sequences of trills... they could be growls if the word did not carry with it such a measure of unfriendliness. Even when she tells people off for leaving her on her own, she grins.

Yes. Dogs grin. So there.

Well, the weather's brilliant. Rain is always ace here. And I like the excitement of thunder. But the sun is out every other day in its scorching intensity. Madras is Madras, you gotta love it.

So, interview done. Data ends tied up. A week of pure study to do. And I am sooooooooo unsure of how to deal with the stats. Anybody wanna volunteer to help? *Brave smiles* Please :D

I am now rather like chocolate cake - dark brown and lots of fat. There is much more to write about. Almost as much as there is to read - all my old friends of my girlhood are begging to be revived and they are! But oh, there's so much to do.

God, gimme grace.

Also - this persecution against Christian minorities that's been spreading in the nation for a time is sorta heavy on my heart... I have all these questions of what-if. Most of them are answered pretty quickly. I am so thankful for the family that I was born into. Even more thankful for the time when Christianity took on new meaning for me. Glad it was a personal and not a familial decision. Glad that it wasn't a lonely decision either - glad my parents were clued in too.

In the words of Pollyanna: I'm glad glad glad.

Again and again I fall on something I have always remembered and now forget. And again and again you pick me up. I know it's human to assume patience will run out but I want never to doubt. And I want never to stop asking you because if I do anything, it is for you.

Father, I really cannot imagine a world without you. I can't begin to visualise or even try and feel the way I'd feel without you. Knowing you are here and love me and want a relationship with me and have one - I couldn't walk away from you and feel myself. You make me who I am. I am incomplete without you. I am in your image and I pray that I will never forget who I am and who You are.

Grumble

E is sorta beginning to annoy me again. Like when he tries to make out that nothing ever happened... that there was no way he was interested in me! I hate it when people get like that - you come in and disrupt someone's life and (in this case) scare them with your overly flirtatious ways; then you suddenly realise you're not being godly; then you suddenly get over it and then you pretend you never ever said anything compromising, and that it doesn't make sense in your world how ever they (and some other people) got that idea??!!!?! I don't mind him ignoring it and pretending it never happened to him - it will make his life easier and he will feel better about all of it. But to act polite in a certain kinda way before people?? Why? Because I didn't flirt back? Or because I prayed about it? And that scared you? Not that you ever heard or saw me pray. Yet on an online conversation you will make an oblique reference to a previous conversation... Okay before you interrupt, these things are not in response to anything... not a defence mechanism at all. E just uses them because he feels it keeps him safer and because he is not aware enough of himself to see why he's doing it. E is the kind of guy who won't love a girl enough to lay it out with respect. Plays it safe, but not quite safe for other people! He had a 'someone' far away even when he was flirting with me and then with A as well! I had no idea obviously... just glad I take a very wary approach to these things and wait on God. E hasn't affected me any more than a grrr-sorta feeling. A now provoked a different reaction.

But yes, maybe it's hard to remember you don't have to try to make other people feel small to be big yourself... That's only in Hollywood special effects. We are big enough without that. E and A are - God made them and loves them. But I just sometimes wish he'd grow up. Ah well, I have that sorta feeling about lots of people including myself.

5 Things...

1. Will it ever happen?

2. Often I'm too polite to say what I really want or think.

3. It's funny how there are so many ways to waste time when you haven't got much of it!

4. God's got it covered.

5. Spectrograms are fascinating.

Love

To be in Your presence, not rushing away, to cherish each moment, here I would stay...


Try as I might, I can't find who wrote that song but it holds me captive just now. It is all I want. Whatever might come, this one thing is certainty. He will hold you in the palm of His hands, so close to him that you are never out of his sight. He is in love with you. So t-o-t-a-l-l-y a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y in love with you... has been since the moment He first laid eyes on you. Even before you saw him or even came to be.

Just know that... :)

Helllooooooooo

No, grace is not a pretty picture. It involves the biggest messes humankind can imagine and then implement. But grace is beautiful. Like when you look in the mirror and you see that spot or blemish, the disproportionate features or the kinky hair or the need for a haircut or the need for some make-up or a need for something to take the tiredness away.... and still God looks into your naked eyes, still God sighs: It is good.

That is the kind of picture grace paints. Not the kind of glossed-over fashion magazine product. No, not pretty at all. But beautiful.

Would you believe it? I am still taking my time to get over whatever happened to produce my previous couple of posts. I believe it is a people I do not understand, and yet and yet and yet - I understand a few of them from that place. In a few, I saw sparks of recognition. I believe God is teaching me something very permanent from all this. I still have 'romantic notions' as Mrs Lynde would say if I were Anne. But there may not ever be a Gilbert - at least from my point of view down here. I learn too much from people and people learn too much from me, I suppose. I don't know what God wants in the area - so this is very human prognostication... But there has to be someone who is sure enough of what God wants to wait for me to be sure of God and of him - boy, that will take some patience! I mean I need to be sure enough of it all to let myself love. It's probably a shortcoming, but it keeps me safe and I'll stick with it. And only then would I be willing to consider beginning such a relationship - and you read and hear about people like that, but it will probably never be that way with me... particularly if it is true that opposites attract! LOL. I love logic, btw. So I still haven't fallen in love with anyone else since I was 10. And I've never fallen out of love with Him since either.

Meanwhile I am also a bit concerned about my studies. With all this it has taken a beating. I don't think such a thing has ever happened before. But I don't lay it entirely at this door. I think the main problem has been that as my supervisor put it: "We've gone about this the wrong way". And that observation came a whole term too late unfortunately. So I am left with the beginnings of ideas of what to do just coming up. And basic books I still feel I ought to read. And a whole assignment and a half completely un-upto-scratch!!! I was in this position at the beginning of my Master's thesis and I had three months to go. I now have one and a half and need to be slightly higher than a Master's level to sufficiently impress. I have come to the conclusion that 'worry' is the wrong word to use. I believe I can do it - I know how in a candle-light rather than a lightning-flash kind of way. But I know that I cannot do it. If that makes any sense.... I know that God is the one who will fight this battle for me. I am also greatly indebted to my parents and aunts. And often fight the feeling that I have let them down. But suddenly light shines - and I know that I am doing the best possible if I am doing what God wants!!!

In fact, it may not be the problem I think at all. And may be due to Oxford's special ways of dealing with teaching and guiding. From what I hear, everyone's just as worried and has been clueless, and they have not been living in 55G, have they? LOL. I miss P&ST and the Ms at church, especially J. She's become very dear to me and I know that she is growing up and things may change. I know that I might move from the place depending on how it goes. But I wish loyalty to 'A' church did not come before loyalty to God's family. That remains to be proven. But Bangor has stood me in good stead and made it very clear that I will always be family! So, I am more than blessed.

I have both my parents in a strong godly family, two aunts-like-parents, and then these surrogate mums and dads in Bangor and a grandmum for good measure!!! More people to tell me off - true.

Just Me

I have not been myself for a long time. I have been myself now and then within the period in short fits and bursts. This may have had something to do with dealing with entirely new situations in which I was exposed to a different sort of relationship with people from anything I've been used to. I am saying it in the best way possible - but not in every context does one learn the same things from living in a community.

I love M and N R. Actually. And JR. And in the Lord, I love AP and lots of other people.

But I am back to me! It's a waste of time bothering about being anyone else and it's a bloody waste of time trying to pretend. My joy will be whole but God always makes that happen. At what point I started trying - I don't know but it was silly hey?! Lol.

Subiksha

Grace

I feel like I have messed up. So that is probably true. I wonder though where I ever got the idea that grace looked pretty.

For AB

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire


I rarely ever quote lyrics from somewhere else... perhaps it's pride. I think 'I write my own love songs to God' and I quote from the Bible. But now and again, a song written by people desperately in love with Jesus.

A long time ago, it seems now, I wrote a post when I was really tired. I'm tired now. And - completely incidentally - sleep-deprived. But I am also tired of ranting. I think I give so much love, sometimes I give more so obviously that it hurts... but I find my levels for myself are so often broken by people who surprise me (amma, AB (you made me think of this in the first place just now), CK, VP). But then you look and you find youI have always known the greatest love of all. It has always been yours. No amount of distraction can take His eyes off you.

But I know also that so often I look away. When Jesus looks at me, He knows I will turn away, be hurt by other things. And then in a heart-rending moment like this He reminds you that nothing and no one can make you laugh or cry like His love can. More fool me that I forget it.

Churchin' It Up

BY THE WAY, if it's not one thing, it's another! Rofl actually! I remember being worried about OU in the beginning and you know what? I fit right in! Not everywhere of course... but I am just that kinky and crazy and quick-tongued and geeky and mad and - okay, I'll say it - tolerant! There are a lot of things I'll accept... however I tend to keep the Bible as my measuring line. That's something OU probably won't do in its entirety.

Now and for the past few months I have been worried about fitting in at RoL... Not just because I'm afraid I won't. Because I don't. And I never expected that to happen at church... THIS is not just an uncomfortable feeling, it hurts. It's the church after all. But I've got into enough trouble telling people about it. And I feel bad now after telling people cos it makes me sound like a saint and I'm not but I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Ah, well. I miss BCC.

In a Mirror Darkly

I'm rambling... so pay attention! When I make mistakes, perhaps I assuage my conscience with the idea that I have learnt so much, and that perhaps God allowed it. But I want never to forget that God's perfect will was not for me to fall. I don't want to think that because I have fallen, I know better than the one that has not. Or that being wrong and then righted is the best way to be...

I think we all do that to each other. We all base our images of each other on whatever makes us most comfortable. Like we do to God too. But not only is God what we see in our mind's eye based on our own image of ourselves, but God is. And being, He is a person in His own right with things outside of those things we perceive in Him. If we limit God to just what we perceive, He is a construct. But He isn't - He is a person! I think that's what Paul meant when he said "in a mirror darkly".

Just like other people are... and reality or our interpretations of reality are not always what fits our theories.

S'more Growin' Up

God loves me. So. Much. And every time I naively forget, He lets me know in no uncertain terms. Sometimes I forget to let myself be hungry enough for him that it can turn my world upside down and cause me to cry with an inside-pain that fills me with joy.

Having got that outta my system, I am only back after a couple of weeks but it could be a decade judging from at least the amount I think I've grown. I've learnt that within the church we can all be faulty and I've learnt that while I can hold onto the fairy tales and the goodness, not everyone wants to. And that that's OK. Really. I've learnt how some people can be racist - and that it can happen even when they are Christian. I've learnt instead of raging at the injustice, I can laugh at it. I need to rage too - but I need to know that I can make a choice of reactions, and that the choice need not always be the same. I've learnt how people can forget that they've been wrong. I've learnt how I can't always forget that about myself or about others and need to. Mainly about myself. Because when I go to heaven and order two cafe lattes and have that chat with God, it will probably go something like this:

Me: Jesus, you know on the 17th of May, at 11 o' clock...
God: Hang on, which May??
Me: 2008, of course. Well, anyway, you know what I said to Claire that must have really hurt her. I want to explain___
God: (interrupting and laughing pretty thunderously) Subiksha, I have no idea what you're on about!!!

In case, you're wondering - nothing was said that hurt Claire on that date and Claire is one of my best friends atm and I've shared the joke with her. However it is quite likely and easily verifiable that I have done and probably will do pretty damnable things. ANd God has actually chosen to forget all of them. Already.

So yes, I've grown up (although AB insists I grew down!). I didn't want to, and I hope to God I'm not all done yet as I quite like the Disney movies and the naivete. Especially the naivete. It's comforting. Although it's not that pleasant when you're shocked that Indian girls get drunk, Christians smoke, 'friends' can actually get jealous, Christians flirt not-so-harmlessly. Don't get me wrong - I am shocked at all of this and probably excuse it conveniently in myself. But yes, when it's there, the naivete is comforting.

I love you always!!

xxx

PS Hello, amma, BO, SD, Grafx, Ta'fxkz, DA, Skinny, Switchblade, LT and everyone else!!

Poetry, headlines, stuff!

You make me love you, over and over again. And I don't want to stop - but I don't think I can and ever will. So don't let's bother about that eh? Real love and all that.

I am so amazed by the way God loves us. He has never stopped. He makes me smile and cry as much as ever.

Recent news - I have decided not to panic so much. L changed my attitude a bit when I met her today.
More decisions - NOT make my feelings obvious. ROL is the kind of church where you have to explain yourself thoroughly. Answers such as 'Stuff' or 'I've been learning a lot lately' or 'Work is pretty hard going atm and stuff' tend to elicit an immediate demand for more. Nothing English at all about this church - not sure I like it perfectly well. Friends are okay - but the whole community? This little Indian girl's not quite so communal :O. BO said something that makes sense too - BCC was like my home church. And although Oxford is and will be my home for some time and I have no idea where (geographically) home may be after that from God's point of view, I found family at BCC and that will never change. Very much like family in Chennai and other parts of Wales ;)
More recent news - have tried on a dress that was so near-perfect I fell in love with it. Well it was perfect but incomplete as it would need a two-piece thing to be fit for wear. Well... okay perfect except for the price tag. Cheap as dresses come (in fact it was on sale!) but not responsible atm for me! Red. Gathers that fell perfectly around the front. Fits well. Can be adjusted for fat-ish moments. Girly - I mean girly and soph, as opposed to the dilemma one normally has between the two. Humph - wish I thought with my heart more often. No - actually I don't, I end up needing a whole load of chocolate after any such impulse!
One day... one day... *twirls round room humming dance music*
Have lost weight - although the way I fluctuate is worse than the stock market. Can fit into Size 8 around the ahem. All other things remaining constant and all that. Or well, nearly. Yippee!
Have got Uni stash. Best ever - woohoo. Well, one t-shirt but I'm excited!
Remind me NOT to walk into corner shop again - freaky flirty Indian boy problems again.
Have changed a light bulb for the first time in my life... *pats self on back*

I have been writing much poetry recently. Don't know why - thought I got over it ages ago and turned to prose. But I am. The most recent one isn't that euphonic in my book. But here are a couple I thought I would share here (apart from the most recent one which will also stay here simply because I don't want it to go on Facebook yet!).

GOOD FRIDAY
You are so beautiful
I could hardly take my eyes off you
and in the crowd
I hear your tears aloud.
I look in your face,
find that familiar light
in your eyes,
I know you're mine
you have become mine
but I can remember
when the light was gone.

I can see the same
face that tears my heart
since the first day I saw you
before
you saw yourself.
But as you cry in the crowd
do you see me...
have you guessed...
When?

When your eyes shine
for other loves,
they will turn back.
This I know. And
there is pain knowing
you
will not let your gaze remain
as mine does. But
I look on, I know
we can make each other smile
yet again. Again
you love me,
and I
could never stop.

I do this thing I do not need
because you do.
I do it to myself.
To satisfy no craving
no debt I owe myself.

After dark
the open door
the broken ground
and you are here.

So beautiful
I can hardly take my eyes off you.
And when the nails went through
I was looking out for you.



WITHIN THE WALLS
Same bench in the park, same kissing couples.
And still in the freshness of the air
whispers always new.
Not the cold wind that brings the tears
this time. The warm breath of whisper
instead
which makes laughter cry.

I can laugh
in those strangest moments
not just because
you laugh with me,
because you know what made me cry
just before I smiled.

No one else can see
what lies behind my walls.
When you're within
you don't have to peep.

Open eyes
round and wondering
I see within the walls
my secrets whom I've never met
and look up
into something sharper
than the cold wind
that makes me miss the memory
of the future
in your eyes.
Same bench, same couples
but the twilight's a different colour
from your eyes.



AND this final unedited one...
WHISPERS
I can hear a whisper from
a distance but I
don't know what they say.

Do I feel beautiful today?
Does my face show the price
I've had to pay?

Sometimes I smile
I know
whispers come easy
when you're beautiful.
Sometimes I turn away.
Whispers come easy when
you're scarred.

Did you hear our whispers
on the playground,
when you shared your lunch
with self? Or did you
imagine an adoring crowd
and unshaken sit and smile
until alone?

Did you hear it
when we laughed
at the holes in your rags
or when we flicked
our fingers at your clothes
your hair your speech
your choice of friends?

Hearing did you
cry a little walk away
or did you think
whispers come easy
from the beautiful
come easy for
the loveless?

But did you
hear me laugh because
I didn't want to hear
my whispers? Did
you hear the whispers
in the shouts of
crucify.

Whispers come easy
when you're beautiful.

Trust Me

It seems so long since my post on the 14th. I have learnt so much more since then. I read again a letter a friend wrote when I blogged that post, and it still makes me cry. Thank you for caring - those who read my blog and those who don't. I didn't mean for it to be a pity-party but I think I was really confused then. I have actually grown since then - LOL I know anyone who says that immediately sounds immature even to their own ears but hey this is my blog. So if I can't think aloud here - where else am I supposed to go...

Besides I've rehashed the issue a few times - I'm not sure if I had to hash it first in order to rehash, but that's a tiny detail of morphology - until the two people I was talking to about it seem to have gotten tired of hearing it. So I'm gonna blog. I find I have to analyse things right down to a bare minimum and arrange things satisfactorily in my mind before I lay it to rest. I do this tidying up so often in my head, that I have an adverse reaction and consequently never clean my room... Everything has a price tag. That's my story anyway - and yes, I am sticking to it!

But I have put my finger on some of the causes - and to my disgust, my analysis came out rather revoltingly. I ought to say don't believe the fairy tales, but I'm going to say do. Because you get hurt, but you like yourself so much better that way.

To quote SD: 'Though it is hard work for me to do it, I could do so much more for Him'.

NB Most times it's not hard work... Most times I have to keep myself from grinning while on my bike because passers-by will no doubt think I am an Oxford regular round the bend. Like the woman who sings opera at the post office and at stop lights. Or the well-dressed man who talks to himself with vehement expression, and sane smile! Or the lady at the weekly market who overdresses and wears her mascara fanning down toward her cheeks... I could be the regular who hums to herself all the time, and walks around charity shops compulsively, and lingers uncertainly outside Directors of Studies' rooms because she cannot think of a graceful way of interrupting the conversation, or who acts either too young or too old for her age.... But of all the reasons, the least likely that I could be certified is the fact that there are moments in the day when I can't stop smiling because I know He loves us. So much. When we're scared or lonely or hurt or angry or confused or shocked... Trust me, I know. He'll take it as it comes. He thinks you are wonderful. You. You know who you are.

Cheese, chutney and culture

Cheese, chutney and culture.

That might be the name of a novel I might write or might not. Who's to guess.

Thing is I might do - and I could never have mighted if it weren't for my life now! So yes, two posts back I was feeling like... that. There will probably be other times I'll feel like rehashing the tiredness post. There are several things I don't see the answers to - less answers now than before. I thought I had some answers, I know I don't now. I've still got Jesus and I have a strong feeling... strike that out, I have a strong knowing ;) He's gonna keep me... Hurray for a God who holds you even when you don't have the strength to hold on.

So yes, I'm learning how perfect love can and should cast out crippling fear. I'm learning to get used to relearning things. I'm learning to laugh even more. I'm learning to love. Learning to shut up, learning to not grow up, and I'm learning what might be hardest of all, to say so what. Yes, even to things I have taken for granted all my life.

And I'm unlearning the little-protected-convent-grown-girl act, I am unlearning the humble-and-be-exalted-law outside of God... I took the fairy-tales seriously. Always did. The Bible is so real. But not everyone lives in the real world. So I will live in it - but I will remember the pretend-laws outside... JUST so I don't get confused again. BCC was so near-perfect, it was easy to forget. But that's not all good. Here in this bubble, I am real. It took me some time, but there have been songs in the night. And the songs have grown in strength. I can still make God smile.

Not that I'm the only one.

The trouble is I am fine at Uni now, and with most other things. Just that church has never been hard work. But I know - for now and for however long now might extend to - God wants me here and I am happy! Actually.

And I'm so grateful for all my wonderful friends like SD, LT, BO and ST.

I am tired.

I can't believe how much this hurts. I am in a place with three other lovely girls, and we share so much of our lives together. But I am so much of an outsider, it hurts like hell.

And sometimes they - well, not all of them - so completely take what they need. Whereas I would always think if I wanted something: 'No, maybe someone else wants the same thing or someone else wants something that my choice might disrupt.' I am tired of being that way - I don't know how Jesus did it. But perhaps that's not exactly what he did. But the trouble is both at home and at Uni I am not used to taking what I want!! I don't throw my weight around - and I am tired of people accepting that. That if I don't say I deserve so much, I don't get it. I am tired of considering others better than myself - and the others accept it! I am tired of effacing myself and others helping me with it.

And here I am weeping buckets - just because I don't think I am fantastic, why should no one else seem to think it? I know the logic's amusing... lol. But does it hurt or what?! Because my ideas get taken and cut around someone else's tastes. Because other people's ideas and ways of doing things are so much better to still other people. I think it's a long time since I've been this left out.

Heck - I've never really been left out anywhere else, and I hate it when I think other people are being left out. And church used to be my comfort place. And for all I'm worth I have no idea why God wants me to stay here. This is no one's fault. But it's there - and it hurts like a bleeding thumb rubbed with chilli powder under scalding water.

Iknow it's coming

I feel like I'm searching for something with God, with my friends and family, with my life... something huge and impending that when it comes will eclipse every other interest in my life. Something that will stay within the constant of my Maker. Yet it will take me deeper into the beautiful shared knowledge of a secret gift, like a joke shared under a night sky.

Grafx's latest blog post was in keeping with the theme, methinks. On first reading it, of course I went 'Pfft can this be more depressing?' in a Chandler-Bing-sorta-way... But notwithstanding, I have the same sort of alone-ness without the problem of British people lacking warmth. Many people would vouch for the stiff upper lip and all that - I might, but I have also found a few fantastic friends here. Given different cultures all have a 'strange' quality to them - probably why I am so quick to dismiss any action of mine as weird and say I'm Indian. I rule in sarciness.

Already I can see it even here - me at my cynical best and always laughing at myself. From this blog you would probably never guess that I am the most pleased of all to be the class clown, as long as people laugh. Thinking about myself and analysing myself makes me broody, lol! I have been talking to one of my best friends since college all afternoon and I suppose that may have helped...

It has been a fantastic week. Two meetings with my supervisor. Took the train down to Cardiff to the department where I work, even now as a consultant. God's abundance there never fails to amaze me. Well, had an interview and aced it, and starting the job on Monday. Lot of work, analysis-wise, and better relationships with my supervisors. My days have been pretty amazing, perfectly crafted you could even say...

But it's the end of a long day without much academic work but tiring nonetheless and I have a headache. And I miss my mum and I miss my aunts and I miss my dad, and I wish I could actually make real friends here... IN this city, IN my college, IN my department.... not everywhere else. But that's not even why I'm feeling iffy - my favourite word when I feel this way. It's because I long so much for that secret gift I know I have coming. Maybe I just need to go up to my room.

Maybe also I'm just another girl.

Abba

I was there when you drew the breath of life
And I heard your voice the first time that you cried
And though you couldn't see me, I was very near
And there's something now that I want you to hear


You will always be a child in my eyes
When you need some love, my arms are open wide
Even when you're growing older, I hope you realise
You will always be a child in my eyes


I was there the first time that you prayed
And I heard all the promises you made
When you fell before me crying: 'Father, I have sinned'
I picked you up and held you close again.


You will always be a child in my eyes
And when you need some love, my arms are open wide
Even when you're growing old, I hope you realise
You will always be a child in my eyes.


Ray Boltz's song. God, you break my heart over and over again and I'm so in love with you. Help me remember!!

Cyber-smile

So Val's day has come and gone... And bikers with red roses made me smile. I'm not sure if I'll ever have a propah one... Reading this blog made me realise I might sound like I wouldn't want one. In actual fact, I'd be quite ready to drool obligingly if the right guy came along, and so I try not to when the wrong 'uns smile... And to be fair, you generally get help when you ask for it...

No, I've had a pretty fantastic week. Really grateful.

Me

I must say I am shocked shocked shocked at how bloody (am I allowed to say that?) bonkers my English has gone. I say things like 'D'ye 'ave?' and 'Let 'im 'ave a go'. I can't credit it. I mean to myself I think very pristinely. But I shy away from a posh accent (after a posh couple of Unis I think and a not-so-posh one inbetween) and I go end in this extreme. I am a bit confused, with all my accents. I think I switched originally from one end of the spectrum to another and now I am trying to find middle-ground. Actually I'd rather not.

I came here however to journal my prayer time again. So often, far too often, I find my focus moving from God to me. Just count the number of first personal pronouns on this page, for example. God wants me to do this DPhil - and I can't quite imagine what I am to do afterwards. Would I stay on? How unlikely is it that I would get a job in this country... Would I go back? How would that balance out the practicalities? And I think God has changed me - I was always rather different I guess and I lived in my little pocket in India and believed the world was a bubble. I still want the world to conform to my bubble-rules. But I keep reminding myself I don't have to conform, and it's the world's loss if it doesn't... What I have to do is keep getting fresh (;D) and honest with God, I guess.

So here I am... DPhilling with everything in me even though I often don't have a clue where I am going and sometimes it looks like there's no way ahead. When I say things like God makes a way where there's no way - I actually mean it? I don't think a lot of people get it. I mean hey, we all want someone to look at us and go 'Wow'. I think, however, that our reaction would be 'Wow' if we actually saw everyone for who they really are. And sometimes I don't even know if I am doing well, or I am headed in the right direction. I don't know if the time I put in today, tomorrow, the next week would actually be viewed as useful in my supervisors' eyes. I just end up putting it in anyway because I don't have a clear picture what to do and saying to God, not in so many words 'There, God, I commit it to you'. There are times when the picture flashes before me with clarity - I pray for more of those times.

I am also torn between two societies. In one, I must pretend to be together and have it all under control and know exactly what I am doing. In the other, they pretend I don't have it under control, and I might not make sense if I tried. In both, there are glimmers of light shining through - when two people stop pretending and discuss how they don't know what they're doing together, or two people stop pretending and discuss how it's okay to be different, seek more, not say you might have your pretty moments but to notice them all the same.

Perhaps it is because I am growing older and I feel sometimes the need to plant my feet in one place and collect a little family of friends around me and say I belong. Perhaps also it is because I've lost the freshness of before... But I know I can get it back, if I remember. I will.

And perhaps also it is because I have this deep desire to know God and fall in love with him for the whatever-eth time, and yet I feel so submerged in all these little details of my life.

On another note, I think if I did not have to think of so many things at once, I might loosen up a bit. I should loosen up anyway. Let my skirt fly around, and my hair not be perfect... I've got leggings and curls anyway. It has been a long time waiting for me to do the things people would do if they had a job that paid them - and my logic does not bear with my wanting those things... Why should I want them? I've always been happy without. When I think about it that way, my shoulder blades relax and my knees draw up and I'm pushed into a chuckle. Why do I care? But there is a habit of thinking that can catch on... Like thinking sin must be normal, natural... thinking desires for unnatural things by God's word must be natural by human standards. No no no. The human was made for God, not God for the human.

It is true our perceptions of God are often formed by who we are. But that's because we go about it backwards - it's the easiest for us. But are our perceptions of us formed by who he is?

Titbits

Made a list of things I would want my husband to be and to be for my husband - perhaps it should be the other way around - if there were going to be one. So if there were going to be one, then God will honour that... It's a pretty darn good list even if I say so myself eh?

One thing living with all these Latinas has caused is a rather more frequent perusal of the subject. When I say frequent, it's all relative. Like I feel I have loads more growing up to do - but of course that's all relative as well.

The effect of the list on moi? Made me realise how lovable (can you use that word in this context? sounds wrong...) Jesus is. In fact, I'm sure 'lovable' brings up a different picture in the head to the sold-outness one has in mind... Worthy of our passion, because with every long-drawn gasp of evil pain, he didn't even try to come out of it easy. The logic is all wrong by any measure on earth, isn't it? Why would I be worthy of that? But I was given it and it has taught me to expect things... Is that wrong? Well, what can I say...

CK's here this weekend. I nearly skipped with happiness when I realised it was today. it's been so long since I saw all of them, and I can't believe how much I love them! Lol - I feel like Sandra Bullock in 'While You Were Sleeping', despite the quite obvious lack of Sleeping Handsome and soul-mate/stranger...

CK is in a lot of pain - CK is CK's wife if that makes any sense... Lol, they have the same initials ;D I got a text from her that made me cry and one part of it was "morphine morphine and more morphine". I want to visit them. I can't afford it at the moment, but any chance I get I'll jump in the backseat of a car that's headed that way, thank you!

Apart from the fact that an Oxford degree is an emotional rollercoaster apparently, I have had a perfectly gorgeous Saturday of sleep and chocolate for which I am infinitely thankful. I don't really want to feel guilty about it, although I am quite ready to be assigned something more from my meeting with my supervisors next week. No. I am very grateful for the Saturday and blessed by the fact that I actually listened and didn't go out volunteering today.

It's cold but there's no snow just in Ox. My feet froze in my socks. Woke me up. I had a sleepless night almost entirely. Because I couldn't go to sleep and when I did I dreamed about church and young people that was so extremely real. I don't mean vivid or dramatic or anything. Just very detailed and quite realistic, even matter-of-fact like life. I know it was God speaking to me. I told NR afterwards but I don't have a clue what we're meant to do about it. And as always, I suspect people are unimpressed with what I say. Sometimes I think God should get a better person to present his stuff. But hey, I guess he's dealing with my knobbly bits ;D


xxx

Wanting

Writing is good for the soul to recoup and remember itself. That's why I'm here, now. I'm quite frustrated with my social skills just now - they tend to oscillate between extremes. I either completely disconnect or entirely make an idiot of myself by blabbing. Well, here I am and I have a lot I could say but don't know how or don't want to say it.

Firstly I think that I will move from this location in cyberspace. Getting too familiar. Having to explain myself far too much and far too little.

Another observation out of the thin blue air in Oxford (it's usually grey here ;D) - I think I am too wary of hurting myself. As AP would say - suck it up, princess. It's a good thing to be cautious but I think it's quite important in making friends or loving people to allow yourself to be vulnerable... Haha! Not because it's got great pay-offs for you at all but simply because that's what Jesus did. Bleugh for the pay-offs, you do really just end up getting hurt, but you make an investment and you will gain more than you risk... So I am just philosophising to convince myself here anyway - you guys knew all of this before of course...

I have that writing feeling again and I don't want to let it go. There are too many things I haven't done to let this be one. I haven't learnt music and other languages - and now I'm stuck without the resources for either. I didn't insist on techie courses and now again same posish. But I will do. I will do.

In the meanwhile, I keep saving up only to go and blow it on the perfect but perfectly non-life-saving item on sale... Are we all paradoxes? Do we all have major reactions and projections in our psyche that make us completely inexplicable - and might I add, annoying? Like do we all disengage ourselves when all we want is to be in? Do we all insist we can't expect love when all we want is for someone to tell us we can?(PV's been on my mind a lot lately). Do we all make ourselves want just the kind of thing we've hated all our lives and do we then hate what we really want because we can't have it? And how does he (him upstairs I mean) deal with it day in and day out? I know the answer, it just makes it all the more amazing, that's all.

Humph

Okay. I am more than a little tired of hearing friends complain about the guys or lack thereof in their lives. Well, why be sexist? I'm just as tired of hearing the guys complain about the girls too. This reaction is probably in response to the general weather this mating season... From the looks of it, it does seem to have come early in my world.

I have all these romantic desires and blah-di-blah-di-blah. But for goodness' sake, let's not be ultra-dependent on whether or not the guy/girl comes along!!! I love that people confide in me, I love that I'm not a freak without problems who cannot understand anyone else having them. But I will not go gently into this assumption that you absolutely must wait for someone to come along and I honestly don't know how else to respond to the question: "But what if it doesn't happen like that??", except with: "Humph well what if it doesn't??". It's a reality, I think at least, we all have to face... some with more trepidation than others, granted. But consider. You have never been particularly unhappy with your singleness until now (and anyway, it's not as if the single state is an invention of the 22nd century) - when you begin to long for something else. Why? Why can't we just agree to think that romance and finding a guy is a fantastic thing to happen, but that our lives are pretty fantastic atm and that the special someone can come along whenever he does without us manipulating ourselves into emotional wrecks with anticipating way ahead of time! Well, who'm I to complain eh? I look for Christmas sometime in February...

My point is you're unhappy because you're allowing yourself to think you can't be happy unless a, b and c. Don't blame the parents in this regard (my friends seem to like doing that). It's not as if your attitude is very different from theirs. I mean the only difference is with who finds the special s/o first, at least with most India parents! And you're cutting off your nose to spite your face there... in my humble opinion at least.

Anyway... Yeah, I'd love for my mister to show up at some point if he exists. After all, I'm not writing this manuscript. But I refuse to speculate and stay unhappy while he doesn't. I'll try to be prepared (lol, important in my case!) but if he doesn't show up because there is no him, then.... Then what? I don't know - I'll just stay me, I guess?

New Year Resolutions

1. Seeking God more. Just Him, not His work, His will, His ministry and His theological stand on things... These things aren't going to run away and hide but they won't take precedence over Him.

2. To shut up more!! Honestly.

3. To interact here like I do in the UK instead of whining and reacting.

All three are things God's got to make happen, and I'm all for it.

Here's wishing y'all a happy new year, peeps.