Family - and er etc

I've been reading some of my rants on romance or the lack thereof... and giggling some more! It seems like most of my blogs on the subject have been when I need to complain about it. Rather sad, that. I have met guys who are interesting to talk to, love God and actually care about what you think. I have friends who are fun to be with and easy to make conversation with and who are passionate about the right things. I'm not a 'misandrist (?)'. But unfortunately, my blogging on the romantic front in this country seems to be tempered by my reactions to the Indian-single-abroad-must-marry syndrome or by the it's-natural-to-be-jealous syndrome... Now the first shows symptoms such as:

Hey, you're Indian and you're beautiful. Can I have your number? OR I love you. OR God gave me a revelation last night... [to the uninitiated, this can happen two days into having been introduced, if you happen to be a single woman and Indian ethnically and living in, as it happens, the UK].

The second has only ever happened once but apparently in certain unnamed (non-Indian) parts of the world, it is the general way of life!

It was my parents' wedding anniversary yesterday. I have truly seen love that grows more with time... PErhaps my perception has also grown and changed. They're extremely different but have been so committed to making a family that they have stayed together and learned to love and grow and I will always be grateful for that! It's given me a pretty clear idea of what I want if I do get married as well. You get married, you stay married... and learn together. You put God first. You make the gestures - it's rather pathetic if only one of the two does, and the other doesn't show that he or she cares at all! It's even more pathetic when neither do. I have learned from what I've seen and what I haven't seen. If I ever do find the man God has for me, I want us to share a vision... not bargain about it along the way. If God says something, we both need to learn to obey - implicitly. I could go on and on.

But mainly, I want to thank my amazing parents for our family.

Glad glad glad

So here's a late-night two minute spew spree that had to get out:

I am in INdiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Can you tell? Extended my stay by a week. I haven't stopped eating since I stepped on that flight. It was deep fried prawn today, will be chenna idli tomorrow - anybody ever try this absolutely delightful southern Indian deluxe version of idli?! I used to call 'em pregnant idlis. Too true. And biriyani, and naan, and amma's curry and periamma's curry, and non-sweet corn on the cob, and MANGOES (God is good ;D).

And the family - the amma-appa-periamma. The dogs. Tassi makes this gorgeous grunt-purr when you carry her... And comfortably slumps into the crook of your arm, for you to roll her little sausage-body whichever way you please. Prince has learned the trick of late. He has the grand melancholy that afflicted the Romantic poets. I believe he would have had much in common with the likes of Byron etc. But not a lot to say, the poor darling. He is too overawed by the incessance of Tassi's talk. Talk, she does! The puplet has so much to say to Appa these days. I am not being an overly crooning, gushing pet-owner. She actually lets loos a stream of multi-tonal and elongated sequences of trills... they could be growls if the word did not carry with it such a measure of unfriendliness. Even when she tells people off for leaving her on her own, she grins.

Yes. Dogs grin. So there.

Well, the weather's brilliant. Rain is always ace here. And I like the excitement of thunder. But the sun is out every other day in its scorching intensity. Madras is Madras, you gotta love it.

So, interview done. Data ends tied up. A week of pure study to do. And I am sooooooooo unsure of how to deal with the stats. Anybody wanna volunteer to help? *Brave smiles* Please :D

I am now rather like chocolate cake - dark brown and lots of fat. There is much more to write about. Almost as much as there is to read - all my old friends of my girlhood are begging to be revived and they are! But oh, there's so much to do.

God, gimme grace.

Also - this persecution against Christian minorities that's been spreading in the nation for a time is sorta heavy on my heart... I have all these questions of what-if. Most of them are answered pretty quickly. I am so thankful for the family that I was born into. Even more thankful for the time when Christianity took on new meaning for me. Glad it was a personal and not a familial decision. Glad that it wasn't a lonely decision either - glad my parents were clued in too.

In the words of Pollyanna: I'm glad glad glad.

Where I come from

I am always not quite sure what people are expecting when they ask me how I was saved. My testimony is dramatic in that all testimonies are - you're born again, how much more life-changing can it get. I am radically saved. But story-wise - I don't know. You decide. There is not much of a plot, climax and denouement. But God requires us to testify of His love (love that song!), so I'm going to do it here. Because although I've blogged for some time now, I've never properly introduced myself!

When I was 10, I must have been a bit of a pain. Telling my testimony to a worker at church this morning made me realise - I definitely had some attitude problems back then! I'm sure I still have a few :( My dad was first in our family. My mum was always the one who read more, and consequently read the Bible more... But I think appa was the first to realise there was something more to being saved. That God meant what He said about no one coming to the Father except through Jesus, and about being born again. So as my father was beginning to get more interested in a personal relationship, he started to play these tapes and CDs over and over and over again. This would eventually result in my mum or me walking out of the room at some point. Moreover, my father also looked disapprovingly on our telly interests which did not help. Still does not make sense. But eventually he and our neighbours convinced us to go to this evangelistic prayer meeting - big event in the city, lakhs of people arriving from different parts of the state and neighbouring cities, must go. So we did. The evangelist is still a very popular, though sometimes controversial personality!

When we were there, I was very impressed with the message and with some parts of the worship. I was a sceptical 10 as to worshipping God openly or personally so when the person onstage asked us to allow the Spirit to minister and lift our hands if we felt like it and just feel free, I opened one eye to see what my mother was doing! I felt like I wanted to lift my hands and say this prayer that he was saying as I did feel a gentle breeze just after the man prophesied that we would. But I was not sure how cool that was going to be - so I peeked. My mother was lifting her hand(s) in prayer - it was the first time I'd ever seen her do it. I have always been very influenced by my mum and then my dad. So I was intrigued. I didn't open my eyes after that but I prayed and I welcomed the Holy Spirit. And minutes before the preacher had said some of us would feel a gentle rain - I did! I thought that was brilliant. I was only little so I had no trouble believing God could and would make the weather obey Him. Jesus in the storm had always been my favourite story.

I am not being denominational at all. But that God and I could have a working relationship did not actually dawn on me before that time.

Not everyone felt the tiny drops but everyone felt the thunderstorm in an hour! The people had dispersed and everyone was walking home, when the rain poured. It was unexpected and since the meeting was on the beach, it was quite cold. They were going to remove my tonsils because it was pretty bad. Lol, I couldn't leave anywhere without carrying my mother's dupatta (a shawl about half the size of a sari) - and needless to say, I was facing major fashion crises. Unbeknownst to me, our neighbours were walking behind us and telling each other I was going to be healed. Our home was about ten miles away and we only had a motor bike. When we went to my aunt's house, she was out and her flat was flooded! So we borrowed a towel from her neighbour to dry my hair. And then we set off home on the bike. I was very wet and my parents were worried by this time.

We took one of the preacher's books home with us. I read that book for the next month. I still hadn't asked Jesus into my heart. I don't think I did that in conscious rebellion though. About a week or two later, my mother asked me if I realised I hadn't sneezed once since. I hadn't thought about it. She told me I was healed and I said 'Yeah, I am!' and replied at once that I was indeed ready for an ice-cream :D. It was probably quite a minor thing but hey, I was excited... :D

The healing and the saving happened in my life simultaneously I think, looking back at it. But the latter took a bit longer to materialise perhaps. And I get weepy every time I think about it ;D!

By the end of the book was a prayer for salvation. I said it. I believe it was the 5th of June '95. I asked Jesus into my life and told Him I wanted him to be a real part of it. I also promised him that I would be there at a certain time every day, just to spend time with him. Today's blog is part of that time! Gave my life to God and surrendered to the working of His Spirit. It's the best thing I have ever done in my life because today I can't imagine living without him. In fact, I don't think that's possible. I'm still completely in love with the God who's turned my life around!

26th September 2007

Couldn't publish this on the day I wrote it:

Might never get a chance to blog from anywhere other than India and the UK - well maybe not from Kuwait anyway :D. Uh huh that's where I am at the moment sitting with all these businessmen florid from the sun and mostly shaven-headed, for pretty much the same reasons I guess, and these sheiks florid from just natural colour and health, tapping away at their laptops probably checking the news from the stock market or something! I'm just glad I can talk to my folks for free ;) - he he, and I don't have any of the local currency and I jolly well am not changing as much as they say I've got to to make one phone call or two.

Kuwait looks pretty neat from an aerial view - a bit more man-made than most countries from air but in very good taste I must say. Neat little inlays and driveways, yes driveways, into the sea and back. First time I'm landing over a desert area. Arid, yes, and much less populated than I expected but very beautiful. The gulf is gorgeous-looking.

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It's a bit strange, my homesickness this time. I had the usual pre-homesick feelings and everything. But I didn't cry as much except when I thought about it. Maybe I had much more time to think before. This has happened very fast and not quite expected a few months ago. Okay, I had a couple months' notice but I'm sorta slow. Stupid Tassi didn't come to say bye - she can't be woken up for any money... Of course she came and chattered afterwards - but heck what's the point? LOL - 2:30 am found me weepily walking into Shadow's and saying 'Bye, sweetheart, I do love you, you know'... to a - ermmm - shadow. Not mine though - not by the light or by the species. She was under the stairs where I found her later - only this time I was giggling like an idiot.

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Prince-ah's thingummyjig no 2 has dropped!! After like a year and a half - about a year later than it should have. But hey, who's complaining... And Becki and amma did call Abraham and Sarah in as witness ;D.

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Missing amma and appa somewhat terribly now - moved from '-ish' to 'definitely', paragraph by paragraph! Looking forward to going to OU though although I'm pretty nervous so that I don't know where to start with being concerned about things. I'm also pretty sure there's no need to be despite what things look like. CD said something like there will be storms, when Jesus is in the boat. But yeah, that's the good thing about those storms, hey?

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I am, I have concluded, simply NOT cut out of business class flight material. The man came over with a tray full of croissants and Danish pastries and I was quite sure I wanted the half-sweet, pineapple one on the top. So I smiled a business-class hopefully-blase smile and went and picked the croissant with my hand instead of waiting for the guy to use the tongs he'd so skillfully covered in a towel over his arm! What'm I supposed to do? I was deprived of proper butlers during my formative years!

And then I woke up with a hurting nose probably dry from the inflight temperature, and also went and sniffled my nose in the wet towel in desperation as I couldn't find my tissue and couldn't leave my seat!

It would have to be the law that the guy in the aisle row was as suave and chilled out as he possibly could be. And here I was thinking I would be the ice princess to any commoner who smiled at me...

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Please pray that I will be able to stand in His perfect will and have my head about me with the research and everything else.

Slurps, sighs and spaces inbetween

Sluuurrrrp. Fish fry and chicken curry, appam and fish molie, praline souffle and chocolate mousse, bacon and chicken foccaccio with chicken cheese paratha, chocolate icecream, amma's curry and mangooooooes, kalappam and honey dosais, sapotas, pasta and a whole load of Mars bars. I repeat - mangoes.

I repeat, with just so many rs and us - sluuurrrrp.

Siiigghhh. Starting with the perfect bamboo bag of old blogdom, I have had a satisfying look at all the little arty knick-knacks you could imagine, and then intense shopping like saris and salwars and kurtas and tops and jeans... I have had a rummage through the library - notwithstanding the fact that the idiot told me there was some problem with my membership and I couldn't take out any because I couldn't produce the little tiny square piece of paper he gave me at least 7 years ago! I have had an elephant ride with my nicely nervous father - Malathy decided to poo as soon as we plomped our behinds on her! I have shopped for smellies - which are a lovely girly-girl thing to shop for and spices.

I repeat, with just so many is and gs and hs - siiigghhh.

And I have no slurps or sighs, just speechlessness for the awe that comes upon you when you realise that God's actually so much more beautiful than the wonder He's created. Bird-watching (one of them composed a new tune every day, he was the Malabar whistling thrush), elephant-riding, spice-trailing, exploring, mountain-walking, deer-spotting, photography and family.

And here's a random, bizarre conversation...

Appa: Hello? Yes, this is room 503.
Voice on other end: 503?
Appa: 503. What? 503. Er, 503 - 50... N, what's the room number again??
Voice: Right, 503.
Appa: Yes well, we have a problem - we have no hot water and we need to be at the airport in a couple of hours! (Btw, it was freezing.)
Voice: Oh, hoat 'oater? Should be there sir...
Appa: No, it's not. Is there a certain time when it'll start?
Voice: No time. All the time.
Appa: But I've asked and we still have no water - see, if there's a problem with the water -
Voice: No proablem, sir.
Appa: No, if there is - what I'm saying is... you just send up two buckets of hot water, no??!
Voice on other end: To drink, sir?

My bizarre goings-on

The most normal activity for the average girl and law-abiding citizen in your average family friendly neighbourhood in the late hours of the night - climbing down a ladder and a drainpipe onto a window to redeem a razor because it is the last remaining one before we can get to a shop tomorrow!! Yes, that would be normal, thank you...

LOL.

We have had an interesting weekend as A & M have arrived and I'm doing the touristy thing with them. We have a week of travelling ahead of us as well and are so looking forward to it. It's brilliant to be able to remember what a lovely place you live in too.

So we took a drive down to Mahabalipuram and went round all the monuments and carvings... we gave the shore temple a miss. My dad walked into the Five Rathas and was promptly stopped. Rudely. Then my mum and I. Now my dad was dressed in jeans, my mum in a salwar and me in jeans without anything er Indianly amiss... i.e. no tank tops, no halters, no tights, nothing remotely ramp-esque, no rolled up sleeves or trouser legs.... I mean I looked Indian... And I know it. Lol, the ultimate proof if you needed it, for instance - I am not of course suggesting for an instant that you don't believe me. Believe me!! I am so right ;D - I did not even have straightened hair! Ahhh, now I see your eyes rolling. Vanity, vanity - yeah, Solomon, you're the man ;).

Lol, anyway seriously - the man did not think we were Indian. Because we came with two people who were not Indian, so no 2 + 2 does not make four, really... No no no. So we had these tickets that he was not going to accept because he wanted us to prove that we were Indian and this is a half-hour down the road from our house! And my mum kindly informed me that I simply did not understand that in India they don't take to youngsters disagreeing. I don't understand that - I understand some people do wherever they are in the world... But er I still disagree :( I mean a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, eh?

Well, after that we found a cute little monkey whom my dad took on his lap... The story of the monkey is however that he was rather attracted to me :(. Yes, the life and loves of Pilgrim. Born Anno Domini___ , lived___, deeply mourned by Mr Monkey........

Oh and I got this perfect little bamboo bag that M bought for me for a present. It is gorgeous and a good size to carry when I'm going out for the day! It is just right, not too posh, not too tacky... and veeery in, ooohh yeah ;D

There were loads of things I wanted to put down on this blog but have no time. In fact, I'm so preoccupied it's taking longer! Bleh! So final news story for the day - one of these networking sites had my attention one jobless evening. So I messed about with the relationship status thingy looking for options - as in 'single but committed' or 'single and in a relationship with God' or 'in healthy relationships with friends and family' but er Booong Gutter Ball... So I went back to my old one, but the stupid interface put it on the news which means my church back in B has been in a state of furore (well, by church I mean girls' cell because it's the kind of thing you yak about between Bible studies and wellllllll after :D)... Did NOT know they were until a couple of days ago when RM finally broke it to me, asking me to 'put them out of their misery' and a day later M arrives to have a word with me about what did I think I was doing :D... Siiiiigggghhhh - and Darcy is either in P&P or in the process.

And by the way, just so you know God has been working out things in my life:D Wehey!!

My world this week ;)

At this point in time, I am really finding waiting on your will hard for me. It's as if you don't hear, and yet when you speak I know you have. And you do speak. Even now.

I'd love my blogging friends who share the faith to pray for me :)

I have had a fantastic week. There has been so much fun and being together with friends and family. And yet both my mum and I feel that just the one thing has gone quite wrong, which is bad because satan's trying to take away the best.

I have this habit of saying to myself and others - life has a way of working itself out. As if life were a self-willed knot, that tied and untied itself. It would take years and years of wearing away and aging for the threads to loosen themselves. Life needs God to work it out.

The three or four full days also mean that I haven't had much time to myself. By the time I get to bed, I am so washed out, I can only pray and read a bit and go to sleep. But I've so wanted to talk to God for a long time and cry. I don't know, LOL, maybe this is just a girl thing. But I am not UNhappy. I have been sad at moments, and I do want to cry but still it's not as if someone's taken my sunshine away!!

Thank you, Lord, that I can blog because this feels so much better again. Lol, yeah, the blog wasn't working for a couple of days either! But even a blog, impersonal and open as it is, is not sufficient. I need God, more of Him I mean. It's funny - beyond a point, impersonal just doesn't cut it for me. God does.

And it would be good to hug my mum again.

It has not all been fun, it has been hard work. And I found out that I was working with two homosexuals. I cannot get over how wrong it is. I pray they would know Jesus. But even a few years ago, you would be laughed at for accepting homosexuality. Now you are laughed at if you don't. As people, I would give the same care to them as to any other person. They are precious to God and he would save us all. But it is sin in the eyes of God. There are several arguments against it. But I am not going into them. Someone who was a friend once said - it's making a mountain out of a molehill. The Bible says it is sin. Then it is sin. And if that makes me a 'bigot', so be it - I agree.

On a different note, I graduate in less than a week. I am rather excited! God has been good - well, what else would he be anyway eh? Lol. It is also perfectly fantastic to be back here and meet everyone and be back in the church here. It's a heart-tripping-quiet-smiling feeling. Well, sometimes it's more like a grin.

Maybe God's plans for me are entirely entirely different to what I think. Nothing he has promised will go unfulfilled. But I have a lot of questions, and no answers, only Jesus. And you know what? That makes me blessed. :D

This is not a sad post

It is as if I search for you, but I have lost the way to you. I know I haven't - the way to you is you.

As though I were speaking and speaking of nothing, until I forgot how to listen.

It is as if I am lost because you are lost. And my way to anyone is lost - or I fear that it will be in the brain-warp that I have stupidly created.

I know this moment is of my making and I know these feelings are only premonitions which will be real if I don't let myself be nothing, give completely and wait.

This is emptiness that only you can fill. The deer to water - that's been done. This, this is just me to you. Speak. I'm listening.

I am like any average person. I think relationships don't need work, I think decisions of commitment come heralded - violin concertos and sunbursts. I keep thinking until I remember or stop thinking to listen. You're good at this - you teach me. I just pray I will learn when it happens with others, when we're both learning, and you still teach. That you will not teach to the unteachable, not for too many moments.

Barking at a memory

Tassi, our 'middle' dog, is a feisty little dachshund. She is like one of those people who never run out of interesting things to say - interesting, at least to themselves (I wonder where she gets it from, not me for sure ;D)... So she's always talking, not just barking, but in a continued non-bark syntactic sounding sort of way. And she will never stop barking at people or animals outside our gates. Usually she calms down a while after they're inside the house - except for some people.

But I will write about Tassi in length, another day. There's a little story I want to tell. There is a family with three little boys near here. Whenever they visited, Tassi's whole day was ruined. Her world would crumble into dry, sour lemon flakes before her very beautiful eyes. She could get used to most people, but not the three boys. It must have been a season of peace for her when the sight of those three boys became a rarity. We loved them - they stayed here for hours, eating, hearing my mother's and my stories, playing with Shadow, chilling with my father, even sleeping on the odd occasion... perhaps to Tassi they were competition. Their presence was a bitter pill. To her, they had no right of entry. She felt victimised. I think we were good with her on that score - we made sure we petted her and played with her. I usually talked gibberish to her afterward so she'd understand my tone. I was basically asking her why she had to feel let down. It is inexplicable and extremely funny too - no one else had such an effect on her, and the three boys did not have that effect on any of the other dogs. They were just children, when she was a pup herself. They were therefore the enemy, a threat to her favoured position. She resented it, she was hurt, she was angry and she was not going to forget!

A few days ago, the oldest boy came over. I guess Tassi never did get over them. She had a lot to say. She stood at the gate and tortured herself by watching her hated enemy constantly; she denounced him, abused him, rebuked him. Maybe he wasn't the enemy at all. Funny. Because when S left, Tassi was allowed inside the house, to make up for her bad morning. She came in, the wrinkles on her worried little forehead and snout clearing cautiously. And then her eye fell on the armchair and she rushed to it in fury, her hair bristling along her spine! It was laughable - she was so cute and funny, but so nonsensical! It was the chair S had been sitting in. And she barked at that chair for all she was worth. Make amends she said - I was angry, redeem that time!! Perceptive little girl, she knew she would get a cuddle if we saw her hurt. Funny little sweetheart, barking at the old chair! LOL

I am like Tassi sometimes, barking at memories, old hurts, pain I carefully preserve to give myself a feeling of righteous victimisation. But I know my Redeemer lives.

Driving Lessons

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None of these are in sequential order and none of them make me sound very nice I'm afraid, or us. LOL. But we can be, sometimes ;)



Appa: TURN RIGHT. Turn right, I say! Why don't you listen??
Me: *Why does he start out sounding annoyed?* I am turning right.
Appa: No, you're not. Ethirthu pesathae (equivalent-but-not-quite: don't talk back. literal translation: do not speak against me/ in rebellion)
Me: I'm not!! *In fact, I'm too sleepy to bother to rebel!*
Appa: See? Ethirthu pesathae!




Appa: You're not taking the turn properly. I told you you had to move left and then turn right.
Me: Well, I did.
Appa: No, you did not.
Me: Grunt. (equivalent and literal translation: here we go again!)
Appa: You have to move left *I must really make her understand, and after all she has to see that I do have a point!!! I am teaching, after all.*
Me: Grunt. (equivalent and literal translation: yeah whatever...)

Some moments later...
Me: I did move left but you said to-
Appa: This is the problem. Ethirthu pesathae!!!
Me: Ethirthu pesalae!
Appa: Ethirthu pesathae!
Me: Pe-sal-lae... (no exclamation mark you will please note, to ensure correct tone quality reception) *He said to move to the opposite side indeed. But yesterday when I did he laughed! And reminded me that in India people drive on the left! And when I said he had asked me to move, he said yes but when turning, I didn't need to use the centre of the road like other practice times, but use the opposite side of the left track. I am confused BUT ETH-IR-THU PESA-LAEEEEE!! I am also sleepy. Therefore I will focus and shut up.*

Several minutes later...
Me: *Gasp! I shut up!! I'm such a good girl, Lord! Errrrrrrrm, now I really should shut up.*




Appa: Good turning.
Me: Grunt. (equivalent: thanks. literal translation: oh thanks, that was good to know, but after being not-bad-but-not-nice-either how can I now be effusive about it? I'm too sleepy to think that out but I hope the tenor of my grunt showed I feel appreciative and affectionate.)

Another ramble

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I was reading another blog recently and he (the blogger) complained that he had begun to blog just for the people who read his blog, instead of for himself as he had started. It's funny, I suppose, you keep wanting people to read it and then your line is crossed and you're going to have to start all over again. At least that looks like it's a long time coming by this way...

For the record, I have declared myself a pig! For the last ten days, I have been such a TV-watching, couch-dozing, juice-swigging, on-the-way-to-fat pig! Okay, okay I'll hold out on the verbal abuse, but it is true. Mum cooks all this fantastically mum-elicious food (and she can cook!) and when it's on the table I just sit there and keep finishing it ably aided by my sympathetic father. I've gone so used to the idea of finishing the serving on the table at home, because that's how I would cook, or RM or any of my single housemates would!

It is not helping. About three days ago, I weighed myself and I was a kilo more than I was before I landed here. Which makes it one kilo in seven days! Which makes it 'orrible!!!! If I keep this up, I shall be waddling up the drive in the uncanny semblance of a giant milk chocolate Swiss roll! No wonder, one of the dogs is a fat, but cute, sausage. Waaaahhhhh - so I dutifully promise myself I shall not eat as much. But I do, simply because I can't be bothered to be a perfect weight. It never mattered to me, but the trouble is I am also nearly entirely sedentary what with the job search and my happily retired dad who is always wanting to do something and therefore drives out everywhere and drives me everywhere I want to go too. It is fantastic. I LOVE being chauffeured by appa - ahhhh, luxury! And I do not always 'enjoy' bus rides. But this inactivity is sometimes stifling, LOL. I felt as if I had achieved greatness by moving my ahem and getting a bus and sitting in a hot, dusty, crowded van. I also now appreciate the space that some places have! In the bus, I had forgotten, everyone's hair is for sharing, as are everyone's peeves and foul language... Thankfully I was not standing and have not been reminded what else can be to share, however much one might protest. But I do not think I can actually go back to some of it now, it makes me wince and want to cry. But other bus phenomena I recognise with familiarity and not quite as much pain. LOL - it was great getting on a 29M again, and that feeling of thrill - with lines such as Ha!, Thank You, Lord and See what comes to those who wait, some of better tone than others, running through your brain, when you have missed your 29C and are rewarded with a 29M - had the smiling, silent recognition of a very old acquaintanceship without a disturbed history.

Ah well, that old feeling ;)

But this evening we watched a couple of Gaither DVDs. That is one bunch of blessed and talented people. And the feeling of family is so strong, it reminds me of BCC sometimes. It must be such a privilege to sing together and grow singing together. I wish one could ;O I hope at some point we will have people to sing with, and that we might stay together. Actually, you know what, we do :D and God asks us to make a joyful noise after all, doesn't He? But some of those songs are very insightful, as songs have a trick of being. And he sang "Thanks to Calvary, we don't live here any more". Sometimes it is so easy to let a reaction to what used to be creep up on you. Most times the reaction is fear - and fear can be so pervasive in satan's use of it, that you hardly notice it come. But it does, and you react as if redemption never happened and there had been no forgiveness, for you or for another person. But I pray that God will help me remember (for I know it already) that the old is really out.

We don't live there any more. I don't live there any more.

Ezekiel 47:9

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I know, I know...

I said I would tell you all about my flight and my little airport miracle (well, my big and God's little, rather...) Or did I not mention the miracle factor? Tsk tsk, should you not always allow for it anyway? So (pilgrim said conveniently, letting herself off the hook), it is not as if I let some fat, skulking cat out of a dark, tied-up bag - the miracle factor with my God must always be reckoned with ;)

But I'm not here to blog about that really. I think I have said it to so many people and many of them had been praying it in, that I am now considering resorting to the lowest, scummiest act of all un-bloggerly acts... (drum roll as suspense builds, a crash of drums, a flash of light...) COPY and PASTE... and the fact that I am telling you of it bears witness to the kind of blogger I am. I am a blab, a blab-blogger, a blablogger... Sigh. Groan. Sigh. Giggle. Before I start shooting off with even more absurdities, perhaps I should inform you that I am writing at an unearthly hour of the morning, with the prospect of an early wake-up call to church, and the final shred of the remnants of the jet-lag excuse already dragged away from my unwilling fingers. I see it's retreating back with sorrow - now my only reason is that I have the hours of an owl (I do try to be wise, I promise).

I shall now shut up with the ridiculousness and progress to matters of more serious import - mainly, isn't God just brilliant?? I mean, ain't He simply fantastic!!! Don't you let anyone tell you any different either :D

And also this blablog is most probably my reaction to this blog I found (nominated for best design etc :O) by "lemonade" called withnowheretogo.blogspot She was spieling (in a very interesting and engaging sort of way, of course, being the great blogger she is) about how she was thinking about whether she would ever get to live a 'full' life... Hmmm, now that is just waiting there and asking to be challenged :D I sort of empathised with the rest of her statement... Yes, if I ever do have a husband, I want a 'drool-worthy' husband too - and I don't just want twin boys, I have a whole list! And yeah, he'd better be the fleshed-out Darcy and Gilbert Blythe and ... well, no. He can be him so long as he's nearly perfect (perfectly imperfect too) and just exactly the guy God wants for me... And no, I'm not hunting down Colin Firth look-alikes, I'm thinking more God-chasing, intelligent, listening, focussed, and in-love-enough-to-ask-twice-or-wait (like my fictional heroes, as I am being very PC here) kinda guy! nah, my needs are simple ;) And yes, I want kids that ask interesting questions maybe... The kind that'll enjoy my mum's make-believe series... They might even play cricket with my dad and enjoy his gadgets, without the interests being mutually exclusive. Yes, they will also throw tantrums so that suddenly I can be the hard-put-upon 'mother person'... Lol, actually maybe I won't do that deal, I might end up giggling! Oh, throw a career in too - and with the adorable kids and husband and already-lovable family, I will not look haggard and baggy-eyed, I will look like front-page material. LOL. Seriously though I do not walk around all moony-eyed and saying 'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?' or any such sap! It annoys me when people assume one must be looking, if you are single; or that you must be looking for a husband sooner or even eventually. I don't actually pine at all. LOL. And I'm up in arms in a trice if anyone is on about being dependent! But I am not being sarcastic at all here - I am dreaming and no, any dream will not do!

The trouble is I don't want any dream. I don't even want mine (above included) if they are misguided. I want the vision...

So do I not have a full life? I do. Absolutely. The fullest of full lives you could possibly expect to live. And it's because fullness of life doesn't come from a husband, gorgeous or otherwise, or a fast-paced career, or a perfect family... I haven't got any of those. The first I just don't see in sight. The second I suppose I have weighed in the balance. The third we are simply not. We are not perfect, but we are a family and that is certain. And I love us. I have also found 'us' in other parts of this little globe and I still love 'us'. But I have fullness of life in Christ like the Bible speaks of... and this is probably why I have never actively desired the money or the 'success' by the yardsticks of the world today or the husband or the ideal height-weight-ness (;O) or the general picture-perfectness (you get my drift)... because I already have and have had for some time and find it hard to replicate or add on to this abundance of life that I have been given. It's an Ezekiel 47:9 kind of life and it's definitely here!

A big long sigh and a few giggles

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This is going to be a hard one to write. Nevertheless one must endeavour and I am convinced I shall write it (although I will probably come back for a hundred edits but no one must ever know I told you that!).

This is only my second night and already we have had a family ahem 'argument'. You think you've grown up and then things hurt that shouldn't, and you think - gosh, where has all that change flown to?!

My father called me out to discuss something. Ominous words those, as you can guess. I just brought my worship music out to keep playing and was summarily told by my appa to put it off as it would distract him. Little things like that now suddenly I find even more strange... not because I have a problem with authority (I know when I do unfortunately :( ) but simply that it is something I would never think of telling someone else. I would probably hold on for a couple of minutes and then if it really really ran my head in a tight twist I might suggest it. But that was only little and my father is really amusing like that. And he's so funny when he says 'it's for me' but you know, if you didn't want to do it, he wouldn't be so obliging! And it's just like me!!! In so many ways! So I did really laugh then. But later - I really wanted to cry and I wished so much that I had that outward aid of focusing my mind on God - it's only a prop, but I have had a hard time tonight. I think we all have had. If God weren't hugging us in our individual, in-all-probability-self-imposed miseries, He might be amused at our thickness...

But we were talking about a huge decision that appa and amma seem to have taken. Tomorrow the ad will be in the papers to sell our house which I've lived in for nearly all my life (if you count the last two years too, lol!). Not something I was anticipating, at all LOL. Ah well, like I always say, at least life's never boring:D I have been provided for by miracles sometimes. And I have tried to help. But my father I believe is hurt that he cannot give and others give. This is strange to me because part of it is scholarship money and part of it is the bank and part of it is simply the family of God in fantastic ways. And hard as I panic when I am waiting on God, I still cannot believe appa is responsible for the fact that God provides. But I have never lacked - I have never not had enough and needed to ask for it from people. But the provision has always been just in time. My parents have been running out of money for sometime. Yet God provides in an amazing way but I think appa feels day-to-day faith is okay but perhaps just maybe he is not being responsible enough. I understand - and being humbled is hard. Appa then said "So we, as a family, you, me and amma have taken this decision and we agree don't we?"

LOL LOL LOL

Earlier on in the conversation he had said it was amma's insistence that made him tell me. And I'm thinking Hang on 'ere! So in a month when the house is sold you will tell me to pack my bags because we're moving??? It is ridiculous, isn't it?! But it hurts like a tweezer pressed on the ripest point of a tumour! And I am even finding it a bit ridiculous and funny that it hurt like that... but maybe it has a purpose in leading me to find out what God wants of me next... And he then told me that in his day his parents would take the decision and the children would silently pack their bags and follow without a moment's notice and no questions asked. If they heard, they would know. If not, so there... Appa has so often brought up to me this idea of his father and how he thinks life can be ordered the way thatha might have had it. Military, no questions asked, charge without counting consequence, no involvement, friendship or accountability. It didn't matter when I was growing up and I couldn't be called a child anymore... LOL, it still doesn't matter when I'm considering whether to believe people when they say I'm all grown up :O But you know, maybe it has always been my fault that I expected more... that I always looked forward to the day that my father would maybe treat me as someone-who-would-understand... It didn't bother me when he was like that until, long ago, a paying guest in our house was called to the table to 'discuss' things. Said paying guest being my age and she and I having been chatting on the sofa until that point. She did not know the language yet - I was her teacher. However, when she asked if I couldn't come and help, my appa simply said "No, she won't understand, she's only little... I don't want to involve her". I take full credit for being 'only little' - I was seventeen or eighteen I think :) And I still haven't become a 'big' girl... Siiiggghhhh

Anyway back to business - it has often been like that with appa. it is as if he suddenly never saw me! I suppose I must be like that to him too. I must be completely unsympathetic and I must seem immature to him - actually, this I must seem to both my parents. The trouble is I don't know why, and every other person I am with, if I am immature to them - I know it.

But it wasn't just that. Some other things were said that hurt. And I had no idea. And at this point, I don't know which hurt more then - the fact that my father said and thought what he said and thought or that my mother just couldn't accept that my reaction was a hurt one! To me, it seemed painfully obvious that I would react that way. To my mother, apparently, not. And I was not angry - and my mother who I usually assume understands, believes I was. I know some of you know me - BO, GJ, AB etc... But I'd just like to say for the record - when I react immediately, it isn't always because I am angry or defensive. It is simply because I have verbal diarrhoea or that I am stressed or like a complete idiot I actually want to let you know that this flippin' hurts and I'm wondering, like the beautiful non-grownup I am :O, whether God will use someone listening there to make it go away! I felt so small and tiny and all I wanted to do was go back to my room and listen to KK's Spanish worship music again. But I only moved to do this when everything was nearly over and my head was splitting in a pounding headache and I could see no point in trying to drive it home that 'we-including-me' did not, in fact, take the decision my father then off-the-bat-ly said we had 'all' agreed upon. But amma took it that I was just 'reacting' and protested. Maybe it was just that she panicked and didn't want to let me go off when she hadn't made me feel better - maybe she was being 'mum'-ish. But she couldn't have - and all I wanted then was to be alone with God... But hey, we're all messed-up humans and even worse communicators so it was probably me that got that wrong...

Appa also says 'I know this is the will of God... why not let me be happy in doing this and why not believe me when I say this is the will of God... because I have tried everything else... if it is not the will of God, you should tell me... if it is not the will of God, some man of God will tell me...
...' And I'm thinking Woah, do you hear yourself?!

Mixed signals and then I get told off again on this count - I am partly responsible here because I said unless God specifically told me to 'GO and TELL' or He made His sovereign will (as in command-ish) I would never tell them if God revealed something to me... simply because it would complicate matters further and God can redeem. Also having been told that I was in danger of believing myself the only one who hears from God (and amma and appa argued on this one! LOL while I killed mosquitoes and tried to stop crying so annoyingly!), I did not think they would want me telling them. Also having been told that amma got annoyed (unknown to me LOL... I was well amused when my appa described that as he has a clever knack of putting things in very laughable ways that sticks to him albeit in a different tone even when he is angry) that I kept repeating that if I didn't know, I was going to wait on God... I really did not think it was a good idea to take it on myself to be the happy bounder and tell them unless I was meant to! But I was being cautious and, as can be expected, appa said but this is a family - and you discuss things - and you're not being accountable for each other and engaging with each other as people in a family do. By this time, I was hurt and amused (impossible state) to do anything else but sit there instead of saying 'Exactly'! But I was so blessed because even with me being flippin' me - I didn't argue or say things I could have now regretted or say anything that wasn't right in the eyes of God. So obviously the whole of the three hours! Unfortunately me being an Indian family member - I did raise my voice, as we were all talking at once - as, of course, you do ;O LOL

Anyway I am sorry I offloaded all of this on you - whoever is reading this! You didn't stop by for a whine! But I came back crying 'I want to go back already and even more today' - but I ended up listening and I know He's right, of course, I can't run away. And I know tomorrow I will enjoy my parents' company and love having the dogs around... They are gorgeous, my puppies! I also know there is a reason He's brought me here and, at least the ones I know, I'm waiting to fulfil.

Tomorrow I will tell you all about my flight maybe... Today my head just needs paracetamol, no contact lenses and to 'be still and listen'...

Love y'all

pilgrim

Tuesday and backlog - and 'being' ...

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This is what I wanted to blog on Tuesday but there was so little time and I didn't want to use RM's internet more than I already had.

It is so hard to leave.

It is - so - hard - to leave!

Now that I have left I know it is and it still is but I am glad glad glad to have given my mum and dad those hugs and had the girl talk with my mother! And the dogs are more gorgeous than ever. I have just got here and haven't unpacked. But now I want to go and spill all to CK in BCC and tell her all about it and BO too... ah well, the Lord may see fit to send me back sooner than later :D I am so blessed to be here now - home, like I've said before, is to me being in the centre of God's will.

Last week, the family prayed and CK told me that she felt God saying to her I really needed to 'be still and LISTEN' - so basically, I need to shut up and pay attention. I thought I was doing that very well but after this word, God brought to me an awareness at the points where I wasn't. At one point over the laughable manicness of the past weeks, I was slightly weepy at moving so often and asked where I could find myself staying put finally - and this grouchiness over only three weeks of nomadic-ness! And it was then that God showed me that the problem with these moves - as opposed to others in my life - was that I was not settled or 'being still' which I could well be even if I moved locationally and geographically! Simple point - forgetful brain! And I knew that the devil was trying to pervert what was actually obedience. The key to that command to BE STILL follows in the same verse - it's knowing that He (Jesus) is God.

Full Circle - and some

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That link up there is another amazing passage in the Bible. He knows what the dark holds. He knows. Makes me want to cry and dance and hug Him and... shout... and cry again!

Not long ago in my ahem short span of life so far I experienced a reaction to my own race that wasn't exactly the most favourable. I have ranted in other blogs about the whys and the why nots. I am not going to rant here because God's brought me full circle. A couple of weeks ago I went to my first Tamil fellowship here, and I've been meeting Indians all over the place and they have been a blessing in many ways ... A restoration (it's ongoing at the moment) of my faith in my kind :)

Don't get me wrong and I have no wish to offend :). I love my family and friends back home in India - and funnily enough, nearly all of them happen to be Indians! But some of my friends reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about and it has hurt. It still hurts to think of it. But there is a certain restoration of trust and chipping away what little rancour there may have been that I am very grateful for.

I went to a couple of fellowships around the valleys. Everyone had questions about what I was doing and where. Inevitably I had to tell them that I was not going to be regular, and the questions were answered fluidly. I laughed (sometimes I had to blink away the quick lacrimation, lol) and told them I didn't know and hopefully I was going to find out. One darling little lady whom I was meeting for the first time and whose shoulders came just up to my own not-too-high hips gave me a hug that was so warm and tight - it was like she was holding on to me and letting me feel that she meant it. I was surprised by the unexpected firmness of the frail thing. Just one of the many lovely Welsh people, I have met. I know some of these people will pray for me too.

I am looking forward to going to India. I have thought about the big hugs I will give and just what I will say to some people. I have thought about how I will try to be nicer to some others. I've also noted that I may not have to actually try with quite a few because maybe I have grown up a teensy-weensy bit.

I am looking forward to going home. Because it is in God's perfect will and I have received confirmation of it both much before and immediately after it was done. And because home is where God wants you to be and learning that has helped me over 'homesickness' over these couple of years.

I am scared of going to India. Or rather there are moments when I have doubts - not about whether it's the right thing but about my ease in some situations. Because I don't know for how long I'm going to be home in India or whether I'm coming back or when... And I know that answer will not be sufficient for all the Indians I meet with. My answers to questions about why I am leaving this job indefinitely, about what I am going to do next, about how long I will stay in the town, about when I'm going to post a flippin' matrimonial ad... The why and the when questions... I have dealt with not knowing the answers, I have even found peace in it because God is good and He's a great teacher:). But I don't know and Because I feel God want(s/ed) me to, I know He does... will cause a reaction that while I picture with amusement, also makes me sad.

I know just how those brows will be raised and the heads will be cocked. Some of them will laugh as if I was making a joke. I admit I do laugh at it sometimes - and I will laugh with them :D. But I'll be stumped when they continue No, seriously, what next?? It is sometimes harder because Indians have their lives planned very well. I admire the focus - I have done exactly the same. Would do too again, if I had the chance. But given the way things are, my (informed) guess would be that there would be this niggling compulsion that will not go away if I ignored what God is obviously trying to do. There are times and people when and with whom God allows plans to work out and life to go as seen in the mind of the liver. He has done that so many times - down to the tiniest detail in my life - because that's how much He cares. But you know what, there are times when you just don't know and the sailing's easier because neither the mapping nor the navigating are in your hands. It's your holiday and if you're wise you'll enjoy it - because worry as you will, the ship will go its course.

Is that easy I wonder for the well-meaning 'uncles' and 'aunties' as we like to call them there to take in? Actually it might be worse for the younger people. People my age will all have their lives in order and be looking for the next degree or the next qualification or the next career move or the next life change. Yeah, but what d'you mean, you don't know? Or a few moments later So you've applied and you're waiting huh? Because they are sure they want that near-perfect (let's be realistic now) life they ordered. I wonder... does it make sense to you when I say yes, my life is perfect quite often, and it is definitely what I ordered, but I don't know what it is? Let's just say I ordered the Chef's Special Best...? No, actually, I really do mean I don't know it all. It is not a metaphor for not knowing which University or which job... I am waiting, but not for results... I am waiting on God. I have some answers and I feel soooo blessed with those. I don't have others - I feel equally blessed. If it does make sense to you, drop me a note or even a hug :)

Yes, I am looking forward to going home. Because even if I know my father and I may not agree, and I know I am going to be a lot more individually demanding than I used to be perhaps, and I know my mum might find it all a bit taxing, and I know I might need to find a church, and I know I am entirely unsure of how many of my friends I will fellowship with considering the number that have left, and I know it will be so good to feel my dad giving me a good hug, and I know I can touch my dogs' wet noses again, and I know my mum's cooking will be great and we can talk on the sofa instead of online all hours... and even if I know there is a lot I don't know and that it is quite something to know and have known what God's chosen to show... I still know it is home, because of family, friends, love but more importantly what I have said before - home is in the centre of God's perfect will.