<3

Does your Fb relationship have to say 'In a relationship with ...' before you can put down <3 <3 <3 as your status?!!! :D :D For that matter, mine does say 'In a relationship' for semantic, technical reasons... I'm in the biggest love affair of them all with the best friend ever - Jesus. And I know you understand me :)

I just feel so much in love today. Loving someone and being in love - I think - are two different things. The former is constant and the latter... well, the oftener it's there with the person you love, the better!

Laughter

I've got a random fit of the giggles... I'm thinking of stuff we said and did at meeting, or conversations I had with friends, or just laughable circumstances! And for the life of me, I cannot stop grinning.

I love it when I am happy in God and however much the storm may be brewing around me, the fact that we're in love keeps me smiling - to the point, that I annoy myself for acting rather idiotish! Recently I know my posts haven't been supremely sunshiny me. I apologise for the whining and the ranting. But hey, my space to abuse, as I seem to remember having said before. And I know you guys (the few of you out there) won't begrudge me my raving-lunatic act once in a while.

I am happy today and feeling more like myself in God than I have in a long time. The church question continues. I've been hugely lazy. If you've been following, you know something of what I mean (er, okay, humour me while I imagine a loyal readership ;D). But still the joy that being in his presence brings is simply the most gorgeous feeling I could think of. MK has always remarked on it... he's a pastor, so I guess he's allowed to peek at people when they wroship! It has always been there but recently I've been afraid it'll leave... I am pretty foolish in my image of God, I box him up and fit him into the (very square) corners of my mind - and every time, God breaks out of it and I am in awe. In fact, by now I know I'm limiting God and I know He is bigger... except sometimes it takes me a bit longer to feel it. What can I say? - I'm slow :P

So I have a deadline to meet and it's 2 am in the morning and I am considering a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon tomorrow and I cannot sleep or concentrate because I feel like jumping up into the father's arms and laughing with him. And I wouldn't exchange this for anything in the world.

Happy new year, everyone!


PS Grafxgurl, I really do want to respond to your more-than-generous tagging of me... This post-script is an IOU. Enjoy home doubly seeing as I can't be there! xx

W-H-Y

I don't know, Lord, I don't know.

Why quicken something in my heart? I have obeyed except for once. I have obeyed even when it's hard and confusing. Except of course those times I forget I need to know what you want!.... Except, except, except. But why when I have obeyed, it still has not come through? Why! What did they do that I haven't done?

Like - why was the nun raped in Orissa this week? Why was the one most precious thing to her, precious because she'd given it to you, taken away from her? Why was she allowed to eat dust before her assailants while the police watched on?! Like - why? Why her, why that, why now? I ask forgiveness for ever letting the thought cross my mind that she 'deserved it less' than anyone else. No, that is not my point... Just... Sometimes it's as if we're clinging to you hardest, and you train our fingers to cling even closer. Is it because we - you and I - get closer and US is the most important thing there is? Or is it that you know something about my reaction to the blessing I ask for that I can't imagine?

Probably both.

God, I hurt. And I love you. So much.

And yes, my prayer still is - you. You're all I want.

S'more Growin' Up

God loves me. So. Much. And every time I naively forget, He lets me know in no uncertain terms. Sometimes I forget to let myself be hungry enough for him that it can turn my world upside down and cause me to cry with an inside-pain that fills me with joy.

Having got that outta my system, I am only back after a couple of weeks but it could be a decade judging from at least the amount I think I've grown. I've learnt that within the church we can all be faulty and I've learnt that while I can hold onto the fairy tales and the goodness, not everyone wants to. And that that's OK. Really. I've learnt how some people can be racist - and that it can happen even when they are Christian. I've learnt instead of raging at the injustice, I can laugh at it. I need to rage too - but I need to know that I can make a choice of reactions, and that the choice need not always be the same. I've learnt how people can forget that they've been wrong. I've learnt how I can't always forget that about myself or about others and need to. Mainly about myself. Because when I go to heaven and order two cafe lattes and have that chat with God, it will probably go something like this:

Me: Jesus, you know on the 17th of May, at 11 o' clock...
God: Hang on, which May??
Me: 2008, of course. Well, anyway, you know what I said to Claire that must have really hurt her. I want to explain___
God: (interrupting and laughing pretty thunderously) Subiksha, I have no idea what you're on about!!!

In case, you're wondering - nothing was said that hurt Claire on that date and Claire is one of my best friends atm and I've shared the joke with her. However it is quite likely and easily verifiable that I have done and probably will do pretty damnable things. ANd God has actually chosen to forget all of them. Already.

So yes, I've grown up (although AB insists I grew down!). I didn't want to, and I hope to God I'm not all done yet as I quite like the Disney movies and the naivete. Especially the naivete. It's comforting. Although it's not that pleasant when you're shocked that Indian girls get drunk, Christians smoke, 'friends' can actually get jealous, Christians flirt not-so-harmlessly. Don't get me wrong - I am shocked at all of this and probably excuse it conveniently in myself. But yes, when it's there, the naivete is comforting.

I love you always!!

xxx

PS Hello, amma, BO, SD, Grafx, Ta'fxkz, DA, Skinny, Switchblade, LT and everyone else!!

I've got you covered

I am here in this place, with tears and smiles beyond my juggling skills. I want somewhere I can go and unburden myself - and you are here. Ready to take it on. I cannot be oblivious to that. Whenever I need you, you are here. Even when I don't see that I need you, you see it. You know me better than I know myself. This love shapes my world. It changes it. Redefines my need for love - you're not just everything I need, my need becomes you, more and more every day.

Because of you, I can smile. Actually because of you, I can cry too because I know you will see. Because of you, because of you. Lux lucis in obscurum.

And when I fall, I'm in your arms and it's the best place of all. And when I am nervous and jittery about whether the track will bear up under me, I can hear you whisper 'It's all right, I've got you covered.' The best thing I have heard all week - 'I've got you covered.' Thank you because when you walk beside me I know I can count on that familiar pressure under my arm when I stumble. Thank you because this is a forever kind of love.

My world this week ;)

At this point in time, I am really finding waiting on your will hard for me. It's as if you don't hear, and yet when you speak I know you have. And you do speak. Even now.

I'd love my blogging friends who share the faith to pray for me :)

I have had a fantastic week. There has been so much fun and being together with friends and family. And yet both my mum and I feel that just the one thing has gone quite wrong, which is bad because satan's trying to take away the best.

I have this habit of saying to myself and others - life has a way of working itself out. As if life were a self-willed knot, that tied and untied itself. It would take years and years of wearing away and aging for the threads to loosen themselves. Life needs God to work it out.

The three or four full days also mean that I haven't had much time to myself. By the time I get to bed, I am so washed out, I can only pray and read a bit and go to sleep. But I've so wanted to talk to God for a long time and cry. I don't know, LOL, maybe this is just a girl thing. But I am not UNhappy. I have been sad at moments, and I do want to cry but still it's not as if someone's taken my sunshine away!!

Thank you, Lord, that I can blog because this feels so much better again. Lol, yeah, the blog wasn't working for a couple of days either! But even a blog, impersonal and open as it is, is not sufficient. I need God, more of Him I mean. It's funny - beyond a point, impersonal just doesn't cut it for me. God does.

And it would be good to hug my mum again.

It has not all been fun, it has been hard work. And I found out that I was working with two homosexuals. I cannot get over how wrong it is. I pray they would know Jesus. But even a few years ago, you would be laughed at for accepting homosexuality. Now you are laughed at if you don't. As people, I would give the same care to them as to any other person. They are precious to God and he would save us all. But it is sin in the eyes of God. There are several arguments against it. But I am not going into them. Someone who was a friend once said - it's making a mountain out of a molehill. The Bible says it is sin. Then it is sin. And if that makes me a 'bigot', so be it - I agree.

On a different note, I graduate in less than a week. I am rather excited! God has been good - well, what else would he be anyway eh? Lol. It is also perfectly fantastic to be back here and meet everyone and be back in the church here. It's a heart-tripping-quiet-smiling feeling. Well, sometimes it's more like a grin.

Maybe God's plans for me are entirely entirely different to what I think. Nothing he has promised will go unfulfilled. But I have a lot of questions, and no answers, only Jesus. And you know what? That makes me blessed. :D

Re: A love note

Link


She listened to the preacher talking about the abundance of joy God gives. How had she forgotten if but for a moment? Where had those walls come from? They were easy enough to break but who built them? When?

When the meeting came to an end and the usual songs were sung and the prayer was being prayed, the preacher asked for the people to lift their hands up as a token and receive the blessing God was offering. And slowly she did... while waves of joy broke over the people, she held her hands up to those hands that were reaching down...

I've got you. I'm never going to let you go.

A love note

Link


I just feel this need to write. Intense, urgent, nameless... UNnegligible. And it is a specific need to write as an act of worship. To pour my heart out on celluloid paper, so to speak, and lay it out as an offering to the single person in the whole entire universe who can always (and that is always) smile away my mood... even when those smiles have tears. I know I sound highly melodramatic - but I'm using all the words I know for a feeling that surpasses them :/ And it is the kind of love that hurts in its intensity... Ever felt it? Happens sometimes, with some people, some of those 'some' people more often than others ;)

Well, David could sing. He could play the harp. I only try to play the guitar. And the piano has given up on me. But I looked for this verse and found it for you...

My heart is stirred with a noble theme
as I recite my verses for the King
my tongue is the pen of a skilful writer...

Except that my keyboard happens to be the tongue of an 'available' singer :D

There are many random things I am sure I will want to waffle about later today. But for now I can't take my mind off how beautiful God is. The Bible says 'We love him, because he first loved us'. And how. And yet, most times that's the best we can say - I love you too. And it is enough because even that love comes from him, "because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit..."

This is probably why the gift of tongues is a really convenient blessing ;O

If you know Him, you know what I'm talking about. But keep looking for Him - He'll find you.