Wanting

Writing is good for the soul to recoup and remember itself. That's why I'm here, now. I'm quite frustrated with my social skills just now - they tend to oscillate between extremes. I either completely disconnect or entirely make an idiot of myself by blabbing. Well, here I am and I have a lot I could say but don't know how or don't want to say it.

Firstly I think that I will move from this location in cyberspace. Getting too familiar. Having to explain myself far too much and far too little.

Another observation out of the thin blue air in Oxford (it's usually grey here ;D) - I think I am too wary of hurting myself. As AP would say - suck it up, princess. It's a good thing to be cautious but I think it's quite important in making friends or loving people to allow yourself to be vulnerable... Haha! Not because it's got great pay-offs for you at all but simply because that's what Jesus did. Bleugh for the pay-offs, you do really just end up getting hurt, but you make an investment and you will gain more than you risk... So I am just philosophising to convince myself here anyway - you guys knew all of this before of course...

I have that writing feeling again and I don't want to let it go. There are too many things I haven't done to let this be one. I haven't learnt music and other languages - and now I'm stuck without the resources for either. I didn't insist on techie courses and now again same posish. But I will do. I will do.

In the meanwhile, I keep saving up only to go and blow it on the perfect but perfectly non-life-saving item on sale... Are we all paradoxes? Do we all have major reactions and projections in our psyche that make us completely inexplicable - and might I add, annoying? Like do we all disengage ourselves when all we want is to be in? Do we all insist we can't expect love when all we want is for someone to tell us we can?(PV's been on my mind a lot lately). Do we all make ourselves want just the kind of thing we've hated all our lives and do we then hate what we really want because we can't have it? And how does he (him upstairs I mean) deal with it day in and day out? I know the answer, it just makes it all the more amazing, that's all.

Humph

Okay. I am more than a little tired of hearing friends complain about the guys or lack thereof in their lives. Well, why be sexist? I'm just as tired of hearing the guys complain about the girls too. This reaction is probably in response to the general weather this mating season... From the looks of it, it does seem to have come early in my world.

I have all these romantic desires and blah-di-blah-di-blah. But for goodness' sake, let's not be ultra-dependent on whether or not the guy/girl comes along!!! I love that people confide in me, I love that I'm not a freak without problems who cannot understand anyone else having them. But I will not go gently into this assumption that you absolutely must wait for someone to come along and I honestly don't know how else to respond to the question: "But what if it doesn't happen like that??", except with: "Humph well what if it doesn't??". It's a reality, I think at least, we all have to face... some with more trepidation than others, granted. But consider. You have never been particularly unhappy with your singleness until now (and anyway, it's not as if the single state is an invention of the 22nd century) - when you begin to long for something else. Why? Why can't we just agree to think that romance and finding a guy is a fantastic thing to happen, but that our lives are pretty fantastic atm and that the special someone can come along whenever he does without us manipulating ourselves into emotional wrecks with anticipating way ahead of time! Well, who'm I to complain eh? I look for Christmas sometime in February...

My point is you're unhappy because you're allowing yourself to think you can't be happy unless a, b and c. Don't blame the parents in this regard (my friends seem to like doing that). It's not as if your attitude is very different from theirs. I mean the only difference is with who finds the special s/o first, at least with most India parents! And you're cutting off your nose to spite your face there... in my humble opinion at least.

Anyway... Yeah, I'd love for my mister to show up at some point if he exists. After all, I'm not writing this manuscript. But I refuse to speculate and stay unhappy while he doesn't. I'll try to be prepared (lol, important in my case!) but if he doesn't show up because there is no him, then.... Then what? I don't know - I'll just stay me, I guess?

New Year Resolutions

1. Seeking God more. Just Him, not His work, His will, His ministry and His theological stand on things... These things aren't going to run away and hide but they won't take precedence over Him.

2. To shut up more!! Honestly.

3. To interact here like I do in the UK instead of whining and reacting.

All three are things God's got to make happen, and I'm all for it.

Here's wishing y'all a happy new year, peeps.