verbal diarrhoea

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I've got a severe attack! Been laid up for days on end. It's chronic and it's like an addiction that keeps needing a fix.

My blog is the best place to relieve myself (ahem!) as no one else will need to clean up the mess. I also cannot blame my blog for not responding and reciprocating in kind. Well, I could, as I am not a rational being. If I blame my friends and family for being unable to reproduce my hyperventilation, why can I not blame a space that does not exist in a world that cannot be seen through a keyboard that is a machine anyway! I don't know - I did warn you I was not a rational being. This, as I have said before, is my space to abuse et al;)

Daylight saving time is an odd thing. British seasons are odd things. Well, all seasons are fantastic, wonderful, strange phenomena to an Indian girl who two years ago was only used to hot, hotter and wet. Even Snow White was always warm on Disney... But it is hard to adjust to light and sunshine at half seven in the evening. I remember now as a friend brought it up. Try this for size - bright light at nine at night... Strange indeed. Beautiful nevertheless.

You, my reader (I think I might have a Bronte complex :O), may well ask me if 'beautiful' would be my favourite word! Siiiggghhh - well, it is a label of mine. I think I repeat myself so many times. I tell my students sometimes - as I rub my whiteboard for the dozenth(so I made it a word!) time - that I write too much, I talk too much and I hope at some point they are listening! Perhaps it is the bane of all teachers. The verb 'to be' must go with a verb '__ ing'. It is as if they were married - and the way I believe marriage to be. Now grammar geeks out there - please note I specified verb '__ing' and not gerund or adjective :D. No, no - this is the real thing. Faithful forever ;). The present perfect will, must, should, shall always have 'have' as the aux conjugated verb in the present. Now that means it can be 'have' or 'has'.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Rewind the CD. Play again. Say again. Try again.

But some things bear repetition... Beauty. You're beautiful. Well done! God's brilliant. I love you... Do you know Jesus? Do you know Him?

Passions

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The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful word...

Those words are found in Hebrews 1:1-4. I am glad glad glad that I found them today in part of my daily reading!!

Funny story - for what was probably the hundredth time I was telling my students to NOT speak in Arabic during the class hours as it was only going to detract from their learning English. They then told me I needed to learn Arabic. I refrain from expressing my very politically incorrect opinion of their ideas! They are here to learn English, they are learning a foreign tongue because they have found their own insufficient for certain purposes... They then try to convince the teacher of that foreign language that their own mother tongue is the one language you need to communicate to all other nations. That is what they were telling me. Perhaps it arose from some fanatic notion that that was the way it ought to be! Perhaps not - maybe they are just desperately homesick, God bless them. Either way I refrain from expressing my un-PCness ;)

They were also surprised at my not speaking it. I then said that it was no surprise as I did not happen to be Arabic and I was not Muslim, which would be the other reason to learn that language. They then said one day I would. Having left that sentence incomplete I assumed I would one day by some fantastic chance learn Arabic - maybe I will, to be an effective witness in some humanly improbable way the Lord cooks up! But they were not, in fact, saying that! What they were saying was that I would one day become Muslim!!!!!!!

You know me - if you happen to read this at all... So you can well imagine how that statement completely cracked me up. I tried very hard to suppress what most certainly would be classed as unholy laughter by my loving nincompoops! (A more modern term sounds more abrasive I'm afraid...) I was laughing because there was nothing else to do - they completely crossed the line and turned the next fifteen minutes into a hard-sell conversion campaign!

I would like to call them evangelicals - but they did not bring the Good News... I listened but the minute I spoke my piece they were not willing to hear. On the offensive, they were good. Very good - earnest, convinced, warm! On the defensive, they just closed up like a shell! LOL. I was glad of the opportunity to defend my faith. Despite being nearly called an idiot - how can you have all your qualifications? and think what you believe? yours is not rationality it's blindness.

I then gave them C S Lewis' classic line - if he'd been paid royalty for the number of times we pull his trick ;) I said you have to choose to call Jesus a liar, a fool or God. They were a little bit shocked as they insisted Jesus was a prophet nothing more. Bless them! (And heal the blindness, please, Lord?) I also never quite understood why they believed the kuran was the Word of God and the Bible wasn't... They were not willing to say. Lol, so I must blindly accept the false?? I then told them that even if they had the English to understand the archaeology, history and forensic research that held up evidence, I did not need to argue with them on it. I knew Jesus, I had a relationship with Him. No one else did in that room. We simply silently acknowledged the teacher's statement and conveniently bypassed to other arguments.

For the third time, I laughed and warned them more campaigning would mean less coursework and MUCH more homework. On the third time of asking, I believe some of them scared off, LOL. Homework - a total no, no!! Also a couple of other students (also Muslim and never ever tried this trick, lol) came in and this new student who'd started the whole issue stopped.

But it made me think... With all this political correctness, I am so afraid in my little attempts to share the gospel. Here they are with a hard-on approach! Quite as passionate as my sweet year-11s ;) but on different subjects entirely.

Where is our passion? Love and faithfulness are important; a long, slow intimate walk with God has its advantages. It may even be more important than but definitely not a substitute for passion.

Mistaken chivalry and Indianness - random

I bewail my mistaken chivalry - I so want a picture outside the fairy-tale castle like my cousin! Instead I generously offered a picture and forgot to be snap-happy myself! I shall do it some day :)

I have also discovered that I am unfailingly Indian - I had a meal sorted for him because he was visiting... all this notwithstanding the fact that he couldn't, of course, stay with me as the house isn't mine! And I feel awful for the fact that I live here and he bought me a meal (as I wasn't sure I could afford it) instead of my meal, or my back-up plans of KFC or Cadwalader's... LOL, how my Indianness stares me in the face at times! But I love my tan;). Btw, the meal was absolutely lovely and it was interesting being introduced to Portuguese food @ Nandos et al. I am not complaining :D. It filled me up and I've only had dinner today! And Nandos was yesterday's lunch!! Thanks, RK. This is just an observation - it didn't matter that Ga had more to give me, or RM, or that SC could not afford a gift for my do, and that I managed to get something together for her... In fact, all of these examples took me ages to think of, and this is an edit! LOL. But when it was family, Indianness happened, I suppose. Probably because I'm my father's daughter.

Ah well, we did the packed lunch on Saturday and anyway, BO says I can feed her instead and I shall...! He hee. However, I hope BO has a constitution for frequent biriyani ;O. Or if she can't come to Chennai, maybe it won't be biriyani and I don't have as great an opinion of K aunty's cooking as amma's.

Thank You note

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Great weekend, loads of snap-happy moments...

It has been making me think. I love taking pictures, I wish I could put them all up here blog after blog! There is just this one niggling factor of my pseudonym (which only serves to make me feel important, of course;)) being made completely redundant with such a move! Oh well, I will work my way round it ;O

But I've been thinking that God's imagination is brilliant. Some of my friends know that my photos go on about 'God's brilliant'. Well, He is. The daffodils and the tulips, the snow and the mountains and practically everything else in my picture collection are drop-dead gorgeous. But what struck me is that the people erm peopling them are not too bad either! Even me - I say this not at all boastfully - you've got no choice but to believe me, have you? ;)

But seriously, even with bad hair days and spot disasters, God's still made us in His image. The first physical glory of that may be lost for now. But if this remnant is anything to go by (judging only from a friend, family, a cousin, a couple of students and me), the restoration must be incredible! A smile makes such a ginormous difference too. My friends (et al) are beautiful - I do mean in the physical. In all honesty, I have never been able to see who was ugly and who was pretty very well.

I have the annoying habit of looking in the mirror once too often and thinking Out, out bloody spot with very Shakespearean melodrama, or finding several adjustments to make in the mug I'm faced with! It flippin' sets the tone for the rest of the day!! If I crib about my dark circles, I can be sure they will get darker as the day progresses with Murphian inexorability. Lol. But I often feel guilty because I think about how amazingly beautiful God is. I can easily forget how His gorgeousness (am I allowed that word here? ;O) is the kind of superlativity that makes you cry. Or die in the observing. Radiance and brilliance beyond bearing. For Moses, as for some now of course, that was, in fact, a real fear. How long has it been since you took a long look at Him?

And God says He made us in His image. Do I get how absolutely mind-blowing that is?! Am I getting it across? I don't know. But I know that when I look at my dogs - slobbering, large-eyed and lovely - I remember why I love poetry, the rain, the snow, just... And when you have the time to stop and take a look at the Taff (which is the local river) or take in the panorama of trees in the park, it suddenly hits you. With some definable force. You've been picking your way through the soggy mud of your little track so as not to get your heels dirty. But life itself is bigger. God is bigger. And He made every animal (puppies may have had special designer status;O), every flower and just the universe individually and phenomenonally breath-taking. The kind of beauty that tugs at your insides, makes you forget late dinners, unpaid bills, embarrassments... forget thinking for that one moment of awe. But He topped His fantastic creativity with you. He made you (and me ;D) like how He looks. The specific manifestations of infinity. I realised that today, and I have had moments of consciousness before in the faces of people around me. Some of them I love, some I have only seen smile on the way. But I'm glad of the reminder. And the way I see it, He's simply the most beautiful Person I've ever set eyes on.

Jesus, You're beautiful. Have I told You today that I'm head over heels in love with You? And it's the right side up ;). Thank You because we're gorgeous ;).

English mine ;)

No, no - I am not about to defend the compatibility of my race and language or any other such tedious idea! I am also rather unsure about why I have this infinite capacity to procrastinate in the most creative, almost productive ways when logic must point to differently hierarchical priorities...

What I am about to do is to record for posterity (who must count themselves privileged ;)) my original coinages in the English language. Well, at least the recent ones I remember, lol. My observations too. Ha! And since this is an ongoing process, I am quite tempted to sneakily edit this one post now and then instead of making new ones with labels....................

BUT you must promise to keep reading it... hmpf tiresome!

Pooportunity - this absolutely precious word was born out of a typo, LOL. I went 'pooportunity' instead of 'opportunity' and suddenly there was a word. A messed-up opportunity, an opportunity gone bad - or even an opportunity for disaster. I love it!

Fantasticity - self-explanatory and it sounds perfect :D We do need a noun for the adjective after all - and fantasy is not quite enough. No, no, no. Fantastic is the adjective for the noun. But fantasticity is the noun for the adjective ;) I just love playing with language, ha!

Yet - uh uh, you're not seeing things... yet. That word indisputably exists in the dictionary :) However, isn't it just such a beautiful word in the English language? In modern usage, in its reference to time, it only goes with interrogatives and questions usually . Yet (;) there's that word again!) it changes the negative into a positive with one fell sweep. Ok, maybe I'm a bit too dramatic here but listen to this...
P: Is your brother Christian? Is he saved or...?
V: No, he's not saved...
P&V: Yet

You see what I mean about the word - in the negative-positive context there is so much hope in the one word :)

Random

I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

"I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When sorrow walked with me.

I was reading this and suddenly thought Hmmm I think I used to be the latter and now I'm the former.... Wonder what happened to me? I love being joyful - Psalm 16:11 etc but I don't want to be a happy-clappy-depthless thing...

Yours worriedly (lol slightly)

pilgrim

Lord of the dance :)

You make me dance, Jesus - thank You!

And coming from someone who cannot and finds the art physically and logically impossible, people, that is really saying something :D

Today it's to the song Shackles (Praise You) by Mary Mary...

Mother's Day

More than a week ago, a friend commented that in one of my blogs I was describing the-mother-of-the-century kind of person but her character was lost in my style of rambling ;O I'd like to say thanks for picking that up - I didn't even know I was writing it, LOL.

Well, my mother may not be the mum-of-the-century (in fact, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be that iconic, LOL) but she is quite fantastic and she's definitely my mum-of-the-century! For all you competitive types out there (I have one specific person in mind who is bugging me on MSN now and will probably not read this blog anyway!) - please note that I am sure all your mums are fantastic, that's what mums do. But this is my space to abuse ;)

Now I've been meaning to write this for ages but have always known that it would be an exhaustive subject... my mum. I shall try and spare her as many blushes as possible. And no, she's not perfect, but she's got me for a daughter... and bringing me up must have been quite a task!

Amma's always been one of my best friends after God. Some times more than others. There have been times when I have cried and sobbed because she didn't understand - I would not have sobbed had anyone else not understood! There have been other times when I have wished I could tell her something because I know she will find it amusing too - very few people I know think like that about their mothers... It's usually some special friends... Well, when I have those moments I tell God and laugh, and then wish I had amma, AB or LT to share it with... JR and GJ too often.

It's Mother's Day today and I haven't got a card for her because I've already bought her a birthday card this month combined with Mother's Day wishes and all of this is flippin' expensive to buy and send! But I also can't manage to find quite the right size. I will call later on but there will be nothing much to say and yet we can keep talking - because we have said it all and she knows the details of my life without asking for them! That is the cause of most of my bear-ishness... I realise I have told her all the details and she forgets a few... Of course they are too many and too convoluted in my head for anyone to remember, lol - but I have never been very logical I'm afraid. Just ask ER ;O

I am so blessed to have a mother who is a friend. I think in some ways it makes some of us different. Growing up without siblings, with a mother many years older than I, with the most amazing sense of fun; being treated as her confidante once in a while; more often than not being allowed to argue like a brat until my father decided to enter the fray - a lot of it has gone into making me the person I am. That explains some of my quirkiness too;) But in so many ways I have wished I could have her steady faith - something I am so blessed to see in action and hear about its growth too.

When I was sixteen or seventeen, my American cousin and her kids came over to stay for a couple of months at ours. It was fantastic. Interesting too - little D would wake up at an unearthly hour in the morning, stick a Coke can in his mouth and walk around until someone switched on the games for him. Later as the fancy took him he'd help himself to sweetcorn or carrots and carry on gaming or pretending Power Rangers with me. I was his heroine because I could play Super Mario :O LOL. Little L was always very interesting to talk to - she was then just beginning to be a big spieler - and she could handle spice! They are both two of the most adorable kids. But KD, my cousin, asked me a question which I found strange but have always remembered because of her reaction. She asked if I ever found... found... And I broke in "What, if I ever had a boyfriend?" K said "Yeah, would you tell your mom" (I told you she's American;O). I simply said "Yeah, of course I'd tell her." I thought it was a bit of a silly question really, and put it down to K's ideas of Indianness maybe borrowed from her parents' post-exilic zeal, or just generally K's removed-ness from India, etc. But K quickly asked my mother if she'd heard me say that. And did she realise what a compliment it was? K was paralleling her own mum and her - they have a great relationship too - but it was what led to this conversation. And my mum said she did and gave me a hug... Hmmm, the now ME would not be very happy about the term 'boyfriend'. The now ME is not very happy about my adoption of the term there when K was sincerely looking for one even! But the now ME would still tell amma - and lets amma read my blog.

But telling amma about whether or not I've found someone is not really such a big issue - well, it has never been probably because it's been 'not', LOL. It's those times when I realise I'm growing up, am a bit more 'independent' (overrated word!), and maybe think differently from a few things I am used to... Those times I realise how very formative my mum has been (both my parents indeed, but mostly my mum in that area)... and I know where I differ because they are few and far between relatively. I may have done a lot of growing up recently but I realise my amma's still a friend and a mother and that's saying a lot. Never mind that I find the clucking mother-hen times annoying, or the best-friend hugs sparse now... I can still say that, and I am blessed :)

Yellow brick road................................................. OR A Rant

It's funny - I've had a most awful day and yet I don't really want to write about it now. I was wallowing in pity on my bed (it's a huge, lovely one btw and great for wallowing/messing/shelving/losing things in/dreaming happy dreams in/painting ceiling murals in/talking to God in... you get the picture...;O) and I thought I would write one of those depressed blogs a friend has been spieling out lately.

Something along the lines of

Cold
lost time...
cold
tired
aches
missed opportunities
cold....

LOL - you get this picture too? Well, she's been on at it for sometime and in my haze between sleep and waking I imagined writing something like this as a surrealist-ish record of my emotions. But I'm not going to.

If you're up for it, I'd be glad for us to take another delighful ramble without a map. Just follow the yellow brick road and you will get to Oz ;) It will be an easy ramble with picnic stops on the way. No stylistic endeavours, no poetry except the fluidity of mood-swings and all of those on the lighter end you may be assured. It is spring. The ramble will probably start with guys, their greatness and their foibles... uh oh, too feminine a word... fallibility?... But I want a plural noun... ummm follies. Now give me another word instead of 'greatness'.

No, not grandeur! My word, you've got bad taste... But I really want a word starting with 'f'... to niiicely match with follies, you see? Am I clever or am I clever!
Fantasticity - shall we settle for a coinage?
Ok done.

Now we will probably ruminate on the fantasticity and follies of men (well, I just had to be positive and put in both in the title... that will probably be the only time you hear it from now on, girlfriends ;O - just kidding... I do think people are fantastic anyway!) Then we will move on to this entire business of onlineness, orkut specifically, facebook and msn and gtalk generally, and tagged furiously! We may stop to taste the goodness of chocolate and all things chocolate on the way. We will then maybe discuss girls too, but WE will not be objective as we erm happen to be rather inevitably subjective on that topic... We reserve the right to be wholly subjective on any other topic as well and reserve the right to change the terms and conditions of our ramble at any point :). Note the timely smile :D. If you are still reading, you are wonderful!

Why I came in to write after having vowed to give this space a break was because I was looking into profiles on Orkut from a university community to see if there was anyone I'd missed out or forgotten. I am now curious to see personal profiles not for any vested interest but because I now know better how to choose invites even from friends of friends! And it has been interesting of late to find many of my acquaintances - and one friend - falling heavily (;O) in love in these online communities! And I do not mean shaadi.com or match.com or eharmony.com or any of those other crazy adverts on large-sized signage in India and un-closable pop-ups worldwide! Please don't throw the arranged marriage out, we have loved it too long and hard to give it up! Co-existence is possible and healthy.
Anyway I have a few simple rules - anyone 'here for/looking for' 'dating/whatever he can get(cf facebook)/games/relationships' is crossed out. 'Relationships' in some limited vocabularies means 'can i go out with you please? all you need to do is say hello back to me'.
- anyone who says 'Ideal match: You' gets lobbed in the bin too.
- anyone who says 'you are looking very nice/u r very spiritual girl i likes spiritual girls, i be liking your profile, can i make friendships with you' needs to be immediately alerted to the fact that marine engineering was never my forte.
- if my friends choose to go on this insane rampage of decorum ;) they are allowed but shall be informed of my extreme scepticism. If they are friends, they are ISA approved ;) Certain friends' friends - like BO's friends or DP's friends - are also automatically ISA approved. The judge's decision is final.
Those are my rules - I suggest you adopt them, she said imperiously.

Do not worry, I have not turned the final bend. I have just had a long day and am now in a rather silly mood :)

But what makes me rather sad is that most guys seem to have a pride problem... I suppose girls have it too but one of my guy friends says that is very often a guy thing. The sad thing about that is not simply the existence of the problem. It's the non-recognition of it. Guys reading this, if you disagree you are welcome to say so. In all probability, you don't. Right, which woman worth her salt would actually like a guy who is all about himself? Men often do not like women who don't listen, so my English lesson Unit 3 reading and listening components tell me. Lol - here's the funniest bit! This is from linguistic research - Allwood, Coates, Cameron, Thomas and me... Women make minimal responses and backchannel often as part of their supportive 'scaffolding' in a way in conversation... But men often follow the backchannelling with a turn of their own thus taking over speaker position and the place of power in a conversation. However, - and this is not backed up with research - with the feedback mechanisms and minimal responses, some women can easily possess the appearance of listening but whether they really are is anyone's guess. My prof once told me that I was a good listener. I was amused, and he laughed and said 'Well, at least you nod your head at all the right places and smile and look interested throughout the lecture. In fact, that's one of the things in language and gender'. EW is an absolute darling, btw, as anyone who's met him will agree but he doesn't teach language and gender. I didn't attend sociolinguistics either. Now if you let me go on, I shall be quoting my dissertation and everyone else's! Tsk tsk... you should really let me see that glazed-over look in your eyes. I'm usually good at that - I stop quite soon.

Anyway perhaps he is attracted to a woman because she gives much! But he sure looks proper loser-material when he says 'I want, I want, she must love me, she must feed me, she must love my family, she must understand my needs, she must respect my community'. Well, erm, WHAT about HER? And it's not women's rights I'm campaigning for at all - it's just bad CV style I'm lamenting, LOL. If you don't let her know (I assume you hope this she is looking!) what you like about her, let alone what you can give... you just don't get the job. ESPECIALLY if you're from the Indian sub-continent, and that desperately seeking, surely you are used to writing 'bio-datas' instead of proposals?? Lol, and a CV or cover letter that does not say what interests you in the company you're seeking and why they should choose you and what you can give, just does not make it - or so my careers advisor always said. It is also very intriguing and laughable that most men like flirting and do too! :( Sad too :(. But why am I telling you this? My blog has only a few readers as I know it, and you are probably very discerning. But hear me rant, will you? It may amuse you and it does amuse me :D

But yes, that does annoy me about some men - DP once said about another guy we know that he was so full of himself! Maybe it's the Indians in this place... but they are so confident that they have a corner on you just because you are Indian. I mean I'm sorry, I was never in love with every one of my fellow-people even when I was there! Why would moving make it imperative to be friends with every countryman or -woman? And why would moving change my parameters of making friends? One called at 3 am two weeks into my moving into a new place and all I could think was zzzz who gave him my number zzzzz! LOL Another sat in my room till all hours talking! And the same one once told AP and JR and me that if the story wasn't about him he was not interested. I do plead guilty to minimal responses from the depths of sleep to this one!

And girls... why be so naive?? Please SP - although you may never read this - do NOT try to change one of those seekers, especially the non-romantic, hard-core ones, by showing him that you care for the greater good of his soul... Honestly, he will only assume it's a different pick-up line and delight himself in it! Yes, you know exactly what I'm on about, lol. People, it was just plain stupid. However, I'm a nice one to be talking! BO will bear testimony to one sunny London morning! (Different blog, different place).

Ah the delightful lightness of my ramble has lost its flavour ever so slightly in this impassioned plea... has it not? And I did mean to mention the fantasticity of men too...

There are some lovely ones who will always tell you when you need to be told that you look great. The kind of guys that will pay you a compliment in the nicest way and you are sure they are not flattering you, or flirting necessarily, or even saying it because they look for positive things to say (like dutch comfort ;O). There are very few of these guys around but they are lovelly ;) My old pastor back home was one of them. Actually my pastor back home in Bangor was too. Awww, how I miss them! My dad, of course, knows how to pay me compliments... But he makes my mum grin and go 'Yeah, right!' so I guess he might have that effect on her ;OO LOL. And then there are the kind of men who can make you talk and make jokes. And they will listen and not be bored. There are very few who will actually get it too! And then there's the wonderful kind - they are usually random unknowns - who will laugh and call you an endearment on the bus or at church and pay you a lovely compliment just because you've smiled at them and they're older people. Bless them!

Compliments are dicey - they need to be just right for the person you're talking to. I, personally, don't take them very well, I'm afraid. I remember agreeing with a classmate when I was in middle-school on this subject and I'm taking a LONG time to grow up on that one - as on many others, lol. I am quite convinced it's flattery or flirtatiousness usually. I'm getting better however. But I've always remembered this bit in 'The Von Trapp Family Singers' where Maria describes their manager as a man who always knew just the right thing to say. He met this nun for the first time and they really needed to make contacts and get themselves into a niche - and he picked her diction! Telling her she had perfect diction secured her favour for life, apparently:)

I don't know if I pay compliments right - I am quite particular about them. They have to be true. They have to be very positive. They have to be needed. They may circumvent some parts of the truth depending on the enormity of the need! I do keep positively reinforcing my students, like a good teacher! I keep going 'brilliant', 'fantastic', and on the rare occasion, 'oh, you've made me so happy, thank you!'

But I definitely have the gift of the gab... I may not really gas all that much in person. Look at the size of this blog? I am online far too much these days. I am restricting my orkutting and was restricting my facebooking - but now with the new pub church venture, we are going to have to use facebook. And I must get on my mother's nerves and she must get on my father's nerves while I keep her at the computer for hours! And MAY I please rant about this Tagged.com? The website just had me give it my name and picture because a couple of friends kept asking, and immediately it sent an email to every flippin person on my list! MY grinning mug and a cheesy line or two to my profs even - have spent the better portion of the week apologising! Ah well... Some of them were so adorable they actually signed up! EW didn't but EW got my apology almost immediately.

As for chocolate, which doesn't really enter in here but must be on the yellow brick road... God bless all chocolate makers:)! What's your favourite kind?

first things first eh?

Ok, note to self - you do not let anything eat into your prayer time - no matter how un-polite you feel! Well, don't hurt em, but listen to God - He doesn't allow it usually !!

If you're readin this, you're prolly the kind who'd understand. Some don't... have you found that??

N yes, tht piccie down here - I took it, altho I'll admit I stole the waterfall one earlier cos I didn't have one....

poem

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DELAYED REACTION

- Subiksha Krishniah


Beautiful sunshine
shining warmth
picking out dust in the cracks
of memory.
I must hurry
to write before the cracks
cake into crevices in the
rock.
Inflation hits breakage
when I have loved you into idleness.
My heart trips now
when I have missed you.
A world of time to show
why God loves your metaphors.
I who met faithfulness
with contempt:
I pay now an ancient debt.
No longer second best;
not pity poetry now;
no childhood consolation prize.
Forgive the pain of second love.
Seven times brighter
for forgotten wounds,
I now pay the debt:
First daystar, healing-winged,
I love you,
Beautiful sunshine.

Psalm 126

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He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him. Ps 126:6

Thanks to amma for pointing this Psalm out to me today... If I could only put into writing the JOY that is contained in those lines, and the emotion. But David did a good job anyway(as he was hearing from the Lord) if you follow the link on this blog's title. The burst of joy and comfort that I, as a reader, experience, applied to my situation in the here and now, is led up to by the whole psalm. It's a dancing, singing, crying, laughing kind of happiness... the kind that gushes out into overflow because it has been welled up and waiting for release for so long. Captivity has lasted too long. It has the assurance of release too. The confidence of... faith.

When I was little, we used to live in a house that needed us to pump water out into a bucket for daily use. The pump was rusty and rickety. It creaked every time you plied its heavy iron handle. To make our work more effective - or even just more satisfying - we came up with a plan. Someone would stop the opening with their palm and the other person would pump with all their might. It was more effective - it saved time lost waiting for every insignificant trickle. The pressure, of course, made the release so much more.

That's the kind of joy that this verse reminds you of - like rushing water at the end of a blocked spout. Don't give up on waiting :)

Love ya

pilgrim

PS This verse also brought to my mind MP and VP and my appa and amma. That they are so blessed. Their story shall be told etc ;)

verse for today

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom! He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not (be) faint.

ISAIAH 40:28-31

short story (jus cos i never got over my first one!)

THE SOUND OF MEMORY

I remember lying against my mother – in her arms, on her stomach. Her heart beats very regularly, comfortably; sometimes I can hear the fluid moving through her body, down her stomach. I was amused, wondering.

Funny how some impressions stay etched on your mind, intact, vivid, fresh. It may not be the significant ones. But little things that just seem to catch your mind momentarily. One experiences life through these odd, inconsequential moments, I think. Like the sound of a fan, the clinging of a wet pen tip to the paper, words in the air, the feeling of a smile... Words in the air…

I remember growing up. It was a certain point in time, a moment when I realized that I was growing up. That something new was beginning. We were playing out on the sand in school at lunchtime. It was a very warm day, not unusually, and the sand was warm too, and dry. It left a layer of dust on our hands. Fine dust that was not easily wiped away. The play became more energetic and as we ran after each other we were getting more sweaty and, no doubt, grimy as well although we couldn’t have seen it. We were absorbed in the game. It had taken us a little distance from where we started. We had come near the hostel and there was a tap fixed on the wall not too far off. It was a beautiful place, this. Clustering pink bougainvilleas hung all over the cracked wall. It was not a very high wall but thick and ancient.

It did not take long for the hosepipe that was attached to the spout to attract our wandering attention, spoiling as we were for something to do. It lay white and coiled on the grey cement and the sun made it gleam with added fervour. It was a natural instinct we obeyed then when some friends and I picked it up and turned on the water full force. We shrieked as we sprayed water on each other; playing with the jets of water, making them dance between the dodging girls, directing the briny water straight at laughing faces – playing, yelling, laughing high and loud.

At twelve and thirteen, some of us were big girls. I was big too but fast thinning. “Angular, awkward” – that is what they call most girls of that age in books. I may have been angular. I do not know. But certainly none of us were really awkward. It was not precisely “grace” we had either but “ease”. That bounding, thoughtless, active ease of children. Children. Many of us were still in our childhood. And as we monkeyed around, I don’t see how people could have thought otherwise.

The riot did not last for much over two minutes. We had just enough time to close the tap and partly put the hosepipe back before the approaching teacher had covered the playground and stood within a few feet of the bunch of dishevelled, giggling girls. Stern-faced. Strait-laced. Unbending, she seemed. She led us to the classroom. We could scarcely keep up with her angry pace, despite the energy simmering in us. Unsure, we walked to our desks without a syllable. But I think we said a great deal more in the furious glances we telegraphed in all directions in that large classroom.

Apparently – we had not even noticed – a few boys on the street had peeked over the low wall. We were not soaked. A few of us were hardly wet. I had little water on me except on my forearms for it had taken me some time to renounce my early monopoly of the hosepipe. It was the potential danger we had been blind to that worried her, she said. But that was not the worst of our faux-pas, that afternoon. We had forayed into protected territory, and had been inconsiderate in the bargain. We had left more water on the ground than on ourselves. And this at a time when there was a scarcity in the city and the girls in the hostel were trying to conserve the precious little they had. It had been a delightful sensation – flopping around in water on the warm cement. But she was right. And the knowledge of it killed the excitement of breaking rules. Words and phrases washed around me – “Ashamed of yourselves. More responsibility. Disappointed. Grow up” She punctuated her speech with emphatic bangs of her wooden ruler on the table. I was not truly listening, although I was a little ashamed. I stared determinedly at the pot-holed wood of my desk.

I looked up when another teacher entered. She had something to tell us as well. “This one” – as her nickname seems to have been, judging from the whispers I hear from decades ago – “she is nice, kind”. I remember she scolded less, and twinkled more. She looked amused. She told us we had to be more careful. Think more. “You must learn to look further than now. Learn not to live only to enjoy the present moment.” But oh! I wish she had not said that. I wish instead she had told that wide-eyed group of thirty girls or more “Car pe Diem”. It would have made sense now. For at times it almost seems like things have fallen obediently into the pattern of her counsel.

Then she said something else. Something that did not impact me then as it did later. Either I had heard the words and they had stunned my comprehension, or they had not yet completely penetrated my consciousness – quite probably my reaction was exaggerated, much like the whole situation, but I know I did not hear anything else after that for a long while. I remember the blue out the wide and sturdy black windows turning to grey. My neighbour spills a bit of ink on herself. The bell rings for longer than usual. A final clatter of ‘byes and packing books. The last thing I observe before I leave is the colourfully decorated quote at the head of the blackboard. “Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth.” I have worked out its meaning before, but just now I am not sure. I know I will understand; but I cannot try at this moment. I am too full – of what, I do not know.

I remember I was relatively silent for the latter part of the day. I was sadder too. I did my homework, ate my dinner. Then at night, as I lay against my mother’s side – and this, this is the most vivid, real part of that day – the sound of the teacher’s words suddenly hit my thoughts. “You have the rest of your life before you.” And I lay grappling with the sense of them. It appeared as if they had been suspended in the heavy atmosphere of the evening waiting to cut through my dimness with startling keenness. “The rest.” So a part was gone? Over? The sadness threatened to choke me – and then, as unexpectedly as it came, it left. Displaced by other words. Words that I picked from the air. Words I remembered reading. Displaced by vague hope. “Humble yourselves like this child...” and “… put away childish things.” Inexplicably, I was as quiet inside as I had been outwardly through the day – and I fell asleep to the sound of my mother’s regular breathing.

Year 11s etc

Cyfarthfa High - awwww grrrr lol grrrr lowwweees

Year 11s - enda thevanae! how do I respond to that?! Lol grrr lol

And you - BO, JR, GJ, DD, amma - comments here! Now... or there will be five minutes of detention on Tuesday!

And God bless the NPs of this world.

:D

God bless BO for introducing my hair to straighteners and thank God I don't feel the urge to use them everyday!!!!
:D

LOL - how blonde am I?

how many of these have you done?

[x] You have screamed at an inanimate object for 'hurting' you
[x] You have run into a glass/screen door.
[x] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle (PTC it is!)
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you
weird looks.
[ ] You have ran into a tree/bush

so far: 4

[ ] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[x] You have tried to lick your elbow and found out it's not possible.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm (and also the same music! can't believe I never knew that)
[x] You just sang them to make sure.
[ ] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.

so far: 8

[ ] You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ] You've never seen the Matrix.
[x] You type only with two fingers
[ ] You have accidentally caught something on fire.
[ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.

so far: 10

[x] You have fallen asleep in class
[ ] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you were talking about.
[x] People often shake their heads at your stories.
[ ] You are often told to use your "inside voice".

so far: 13

[ ] You use your fingers to do simple math
[ ] You have eaten a bug accidentally.
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it.
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time

so far: 16

[ ] You repost bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't.
[x] You break a lot of things.
[x] you tilt you're head when you're confused.
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before.
[ ] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling
[ ] The word "ew" is used many times a day.
[ ]You're probably going to have to use a calculator to multiply this

total score: 19

NOW, take that number and multiply it by 3.

57% DISAPPOINTED - I must be more blonde than that! The friend I copied it off of is also disappointed with her results... LOL...

Cyfarthfa High - I LOVED it :O

Apart from the fact that I really must get something to do with my life and if I choose not to go to evening service next time, I must vow not to switch the comp on... (no offense to you guys)... here are some interesting snippets from this Friday, teaching at a local high school. It was great and I was so chuffed to be teaching in a proper school as opposed to additional and special needs classes in college!! And it was a posh-ish one at that ;O Anyone clued in who's reading this - no, not quite as posh as the London one but still!! (Tip: it's easier reading my long-windedness if you leave out the Me:'s and the Boy:'s and the Miss:'s...):P

#1 was when I was just supervising course work. These were the two kids in front of me and the most chatty. Rest assured, this was not the content of the lesson, neither did I make it so! But this one goes to show how not a teacher I was!!! Although some of 'em loved it and wanted to know when I was coming again!

Sis: Miss you could never tell we're brother and sister, could you, Miss?
Me: You're brother and sister? No, it wouldn't've struck me...
Sis: Cos he's got a lovely tan which he doesn't want and I want :(
Me: He's got a tan, sweet...? I thought I'd got the best tan of all ;)
Bro: Yeah but you wear make-up... why on earth would you do that? Look, you've got a yellow spot here, and a bluish streak there!
Me: Hey! She's a girl - you never mess with her like that, okay? ;) And no, you don't chuck your book at a girl either - not very nice was it? (This is not his sister btw and no smiling teacher here)
Bro: No, Miss, it wasn't very nice (sheepish smile)
Sis: miss, do I really have a spot here and a streak there?
Me: No, of course not... And yes, you can go to the toilet whenever you're sick and (lol) no you don't look sick :)
Sis: Where do you live, Miss?... Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: (Erm slightly speechless and laughing) n-no?
Sis: Are you married?
Bro: Oi, nosey! What's with you?
Me: (gratefully) No, I'm not married but I live with a family in x
Sis: Oh, cos I was thinking if you're new here it might be difficult. You never wear make-up, do you, Miss?
Bro: See, I told you...
Me: No... (seeing a look tht needed some comforting)... even if I wanted to the time I got the message to come into school this morning, there would've been no way!
Sis: But you never wear it, do you? you're lucky...
Me: Why...
Bro: Cos you don't need to - it's natural.
(Miss at this point blushes nice and thorough!)
Me: No, why would you need to wear it... And how do you get the time...

and the conversation contd... This was a darling class compared to the afternoon; there were a few mischievous nuts but they laughed with me and when I took their trip they took it and were slightly malleable!

The second and third had poetry appreciation and they were English (Higher) so I had a ball! With Period 2, I didn't know they expected a discussion until later. With Period 3, I knew and I prayed again and managed to get 'em involved!! Their teacher came back at lunch bell and said 'You just got a compliment from one of my girls there. She said "Miss, we've got a super-good teacher, Miss. She explained everything very well and then made us write, she didn't just cover, Miss"'. I told her 'Aw, Miss D that's made my day now!' Yes, yes I am tooting my horn but this was the highlight of my day!!! And even if I never get cover work again, I'll be glad for that one!!

Afternoon was a disaster! Science classes and year 9s!!! Gosh - I was in for a time!
#2
Me: N would you please do your work now?
N: No
Me: NOW
N: I've got a sinus (which I may mention was completely dormant when he was jumping on the tables and hollering the girls outside the window!)
Me: Well, if it's just come on, I'm sure it will be gone as suddenly. Do IT NOW
Class - I am this close to giving everybody a detention... It's Friday afternoon and you don't want to stay back in school.
N P!
N: You can't give me detention
Me: You heard Mr B and I can well give you detention as your parents have been warned.
N: I must pick up my sister
Me: Well, your mum knows to expect you may be late
N: No, I tore up all the notes the school sent!
Me: Grrrrrr

#3 is my favourite! It's so un-me like I told MS. But he says it was thinking on my feet and it worked to some degree! They laughed and stared and then just shut up for a bit. All of these are from the second period in the afternoon, LOL.

Me: Now why are you all moving? You're supposed to stay where you've been put.
Boy: Well, Miss, he... he erm (passed wind is the polite equivalent :O)
The accused: He hee (sheepish smile) But Miss I can't stay there all alone.
Me: (smiling and trying not to laugh which the students well know!) Well, could you please stay there? And you move back there now.
Boy: Aw no, Miss. I can't! It's horrid. Please.
Me: (after chatting with a few others) No, come on, you can go back there. It's okay now. Move please!!
Boys: No (and all sorts of jokes and laughter and teasing and wrestling!! Not all nice either!)
Me: Well, I'm sorry THAT IS THE PROPERTY OF GASES. THEY MOVE! Now go back!
(I can't believe I said that. Oh Lord, I can't believe myself! LOL. yes, it's funny but I wouldn't have credited myself with thinking that much less saying it! LOL... well at least they'll have warmed to me a bit...)

Lol, they did a bit. But the end of the day saw the deputy head teacher walking in... The detention names were duly given I tried to save a couple but she wanted the warned ones as well :( Two mobile phones were confiscated. The two boys who had them out were warned by me. And then they did it again - so I said "That is really it. Detention!" They then said "Miss, No! Rugby...we have a rugby match..." Of course I said (like my teachers of old) "Well, you should have thought of the rugby when you were not doing your science work. You know the rules. And I have given this class several warnings". Bless their hearts, when they knew I was serious, they just turned red and lay down their not-so-little heads on the table and tried to go to sleep in self-pity. Even though, I felt awwwwwwful giving out punishment, I sorta loved that moment because suddenly they were children again.... awwwwww.

The trouble is with teaching adults and at a college, you're so used to saying to your students 'Do you want to...' and 'Would you mind...' and 'Please...' AND expecting an immediate aquiescence... My bad, LOL. In the afternoon classes at least. The English classes had a few rugby/football guys in it. But they got involved too and a couple even gave in ideas! So the morning was super-fantastic :D The afternoon was good too - well, some of the kids were fun. But it was just scary altercation because, of course, the kids here aren't quite like the kids there!

Testimony

There is something I have been longing to testify about for a few days now - I knew I would write about it when it was over... But how!

Five days ago I was yakking away to my long-suffering mother as usual. And she was worrying about my passport not being with me. I (being my obnoxious self) was, of course, highly irate at her worrying and annoyed about her not being able to see why there was nothing to worry about. I still think so. If the Home Office has my passport, it's in the next best place to be (after my keeping, that is)! But what I didn't know then and was brought to my notice a few uncanny moments after my conversation with my mum was that my old house mate had indeed had a delivery for me and missed it. What was even worse was that it had arrived the previous week. RM (whom I've blogged about on y360 before) is lovely and nearly as blonde as I am ;O And the moment her text about the time of its arrival got me, panic didn't just set in, it avalanched in! But RM wouldn't answer when she was able to pick it up. Her answers consisted of 'Claim your peace, girl. God is in control. He has never let you down so far, has He?' The truest words she could have said and although in some ways they annoyed me no end - it was the only thing I could hold on to. Because you see the one thing that was staring me in the face at that moment of (I hate to admit it) fear was that if that letter had had a 'no' in it, I might well be illegal having missed a few days of warning, had there ever been one! Now I don't know how rational that is or how likely or how much time the H O allow when a passport is returned without a visa - but that was what I was feeling.

There followed an evening of complete madness. I actually was sick (literally :( ). Running around like a headless chicken, from chocolate to ice-cream to toilet to pillow to toilet was not really helping either. I could not call my mother lest she panic and worry again. But I emailed her saying I was sorry but that this was the status quo... I knew in my heart that what I really needed to do was sit down on my bed and quieten down. Pray and then wait for God to put His arms around me. I am sure it would have happened had I chosen to do that. Yeah, I was talking to You, Lord, all the time but I was not really happy to listen or to do the looking-in-Your-eyes-kind-of-talking... But what you, reader, must understand is that if I sat down in that quiet I would have had to face my fear and be reduced to a blubbering idiot ;O

So inevitably I went online looking for what I think of as healthy distraction... completely unrelated jabber! What happened there was surreal. Lord, You knew I wasn't able to prepare myself for the direct hugs I've had in the past... You're just fantastic and I can't say that enough! Well, I went online and a friend said hello... Someone whom (does anyone use the relative object pronoun anymore apart from in India?) I had lost touch with. We were delighted to be back in touch and it was great being distracted. There were none of my usual, everyday friends online. Which was good - as I didn't want to explain. There was another person (friend perhaps) whom I have only ever chatted to online - a friend of a friend, don't worry your pretty heads too much, people! It was a desultory monosyllabic-ish wall-posting conversation. But something prompted me to ask him to pray. Perhaps the idea that, because the conversation was desultory, he may not have the time to ask me what about and just pray for my panic. I also asked a couple of others to pray. Lord, I thought that would suit me fine! But God had wonderfully different ideas. Get this! - in fact, I believe the living Lord is quickening to me right now a verse that I can apply to the rest of my life as well - I was looking on http://www.biblegateway.com/ for the verse I needed which was
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
And that was the verse of the day! I know it sounds like a small coincidence but it's not. It's one of His little ways that make you feel special because you really are, in Him. And for those not-so-surers, you can bet your last breath that God is definitely alive and interested! LOL
Ah well, Lord, I can only say it again - You're fantastic.

Anyway back to the story - my dear, patient whoever-is-reading-this - this person online did ask in due course what was up. I started out saying I didn't want to talk about it. But that felt rude as I'd asked for prayer anyway and when you're online and they can't see your face, friends don't always recognise that the expression is trepidation or weariness and not callousness... I'm quite sure this friend may have been a lot more perceptive (as he seems to be) but I ended up telling the story anyway! He listened and prayed a lovely prayer. And it worked. But just when I was telling my tale, the hurt sort of welled up... and that was when I got my special hug. SV, a girl from school, whom I haven't been in touch with since... well, since school... suddenly wrote to me. She said 'Pilgrim, are you free now? I really want to speak to you now.' Because my blog is called Confessions and Ramblings I will say that my immediate reaction was 'Lord! Not another repeat of being someone's confession-box. Surely You don't want that of me now?' Yes, I cringed even as I heard myself think that. But I thought it. There have been some weeks when it has been non-stop... this being a confession-box. I love it. It makes me feel valued and special and like God has a point in putting us together as friends (or, as has happened often, acquaintances!). Friends who are reading this and are like me - do NOT immediately put yourself in that category. You are friends. Much more importantly, God, please don't stop. However, I thought I was too tired for it. Even more honestly I was too full of myself. My fears and my worries. Writing it down here will help me remember my idiotishness, Lord. Thank You.

But I picked myself up, dusted off my ugly moment, and said hello back. I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say because it has been years! Perhaps five or six! Her email said this :

hey ..JESUS has always had an impact in my life...but after i came to X i went for a worship prayer in my school..on campus church...i was filled wid tears..all my X friends strong christians ..told me that i got saved..after that i loved Jesus....im going crazy over HIM..im an hindu basically...but now i love only JEsus!!he has saved me and im goin to go to HEAVEN!!..IM SO EXCITED!i got saved on jan7 and i got baptized on feb21..im soo happy nowadays not feeling lonely in X ..feel gr8..GODS wid me!!im soo happy..i just wanted to tell u..something told me to tell u!!i just wanted to share my exp wid u!! HOLY SPIRIT IS WITH ME!doing wonderful things in ME....PRAISE THE LORD!!!

That is a nearly verbatim quote. It was one of my warmest hugs in a long time. Not all my hugs have been metaphorical ;O but now I know when Jesus wants something done He'll do it His way cos ya win ;) I was then crying and I told AB (not the boots, family and teeth one) online and I wrote back to SV. It was at the exact same moment when I sat there, snivelling and trying not to let my voice break so the family outside would notice, that SV's message popped up on the corner of my screen. She kept saying she didn't know what it was that made it clear to her it was me and not one of her other 130 friends on that site. I kept saying to her that she would never know just how much that moment meant to me. Maybe some day I will write out (meaning write forth) its joy. But for now, it just makes me cry. And in that moment, it just sent my worries out the window and blessed me abundantly. Thank God for the gift of hearing Him and listening to and for Him.

RM then text back saying she would get my post after work. In my panic, however, I had given the wrong postcode for the wrong address. I did not realise until the next morning. That was like a wind-snatching blow in my tum! My father - bless him - decided to call and give me advice on writing official complaints out and going to the post office. It was not well-timed when I was rushing against time! In the end, i just convinced my parents that surely, if I didn't think of it myself (Lord, why must I sound like a teenager in these situations!), the post office was able to advise me better than they were from there! But I just prayed and set off. I am foolish - because even then I was about to give up and cry. But I had been able to surrender it and say 'Lord, whatever losses, financial and otherwise, I submit them to You. You can have it the way You want it because given a choice I wouldn't have it any other way'. I meant it.

That morning, three post offices and several aborted phone calls later, I showed up for work. And prayed for the impossible. But you see, I was praying to the God of the impossible.

Amazingly, the pack arrived at work just where I was when the first mail for the day came in! Despite wrong postcodes, physical panic attacks, my obnoxiousness, thickness and because of people's willingness to pray, my being able to submit (finally!) and God's amazingness. The visa was granted. The issue was never the visa - but the delay and I never wanted to break the law. God saw that I didn't. That's my new insight into the righteousness that comes by faith ;O Lol. Sometimes you say 'Lord, that just may be too close!' But God works in stuff like that. He knew I would panic and He knew I could go no further down than where I was, in His everlasting arms, when He pulled that last rug from under my feet - the misdirected mail. (Deut 33:26-29). I haven't learned a script for the gift of tongues.... but you can see why it's useful!

Beautiful

Quiet Time

- Susan Lenzkes, copyright 2004


On the night that I was born
into Your family, Lord,
did You dance upon the rain-slicked streets,
full of grace and joy at the
potential and pure eternal life
You had birthed in me?
Dipping a sacred finger into
Your Son's sacrificial love, You
traced my form from the
well of Your divine intention.
And then You called me
Your Beloved in Christ,
whispering that I would grow up
to be like Him one day.
Oh Father, can it be that
this is who I really am?