Just Me

I have not been myself for a long time. I have been myself now and then within the period in short fits and bursts. This may have had something to do with dealing with entirely new situations in which I was exposed to a different sort of relationship with people from anything I've been used to. I am saying it in the best way possible - but not in every context does one learn the same things from living in a community.

I love M and N R. Actually. And JR. And in the Lord, I love AP and lots of other people.

But I am back to me! It's a waste of time bothering about being anyone else and it's a bloody waste of time trying to pretend. My joy will be whole but God always makes that happen. At what point I started trying - I don't know but it was silly hey?! Lol.

Subiksha

Grace

I feel like I have messed up. So that is probably true. I wonder though where I ever got the idea that grace looked pretty.

For AB

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire


I rarely ever quote lyrics from somewhere else... perhaps it's pride. I think 'I write my own love songs to God' and I quote from the Bible. But now and again, a song written by people desperately in love with Jesus.

A long time ago, it seems now, I wrote a post when I was really tired. I'm tired now. And - completely incidentally - sleep-deprived. But I am also tired of ranting. I think I give so much love, sometimes I give more so obviously that it hurts... but I find my levels for myself are so often broken by people who surprise me (amma, AB (you made me think of this in the first place just now), CK, VP). But then you look and you find youI have always known the greatest love of all. It has always been yours. No amount of distraction can take His eyes off you.

But I know also that so often I look away. When Jesus looks at me, He knows I will turn away, be hurt by other things. And then in a heart-rending moment like this He reminds you that nothing and no one can make you laugh or cry like His love can. More fool me that I forget it.