Poetry, headlines, stuff!

You make me love you, over and over again. And I don't want to stop - but I don't think I can and ever will. So don't let's bother about that eh? Real love and all that.

I am so amazed by the way God loves us. He has never stopped. He makes me smile and cry as much as ever.

Recent news - I have decided not to panic so much. L changed my attitude a bit when I met her today.
More decisions - NOT make my feelings obvious. ROL is the kind of church where you have to explain yourself thoroughly. Answers such as 'Stuff' or 'I've been learning a lot lately' or 'Work is pretty hard going atm and stuff' tend to elicit an immediate demand for more. Nothing English at all about this church - not sure I like it perfectly well. Friends are okay - but the whole community? This little Indian girl's not quite so communal :O. BO said something that makes sense too - BCC was like my home church. And although Oxford is and will be my home for some time and I have no idea where (geographically) home may be after that from God's point of view, I found family at BCC and that will never change. Very much like family in Chennai and other parts of Wales ;)
More recent news - have tried on a dress that was so near-perfect I fell in love with it. Well it was perfect but incomplete as it would need a two-piece thing to be fit for wear. Well... okay perfect except for the price tag. Cheap as dresses come (in fact it was on sale!) but not responsible atm for me! Red. Gathers that fell perfectly around the front. Fits well. Can be adjusted for fat-ish moments. Girly - I mean girly and soph, as opposed to the dilemma one normally has between the two. Humph - wish I thought with my heart more often. No - actually I don't, I end up needing a whole load of chocolate after any such impulse!
One day... one day... *twirls round room humming dance music*
Have lost weight - although the way I fluctuate is worse than the stock market. Can fit into Size 8 around the ahem. All other things remaining constant and all that. Or well, nearly. Yippee!
Have got Uni stash. Best ever - woohoo. Well, one t-shirt but I'm excited!
Remind me NOT to walk into corner shop again - freaky flirty Indian boy problems again.
Have changed a light bulb for the first time in my life... *pats self on back*

I have been writing much poetry recently. Don't know why - thought I got over it ages ago and turned to prose. But I am. The most recent one isn't that euphonic in my book. But here are a couple I thought I would share here (apart from the most recent one which will also stay here simply because I don't want it to go on Facebook yet!).

GOOD FRIDAY
You are so beautiful
I could hardly take my eyes off you
and in the crowd
I hear your tears aloud.
I look in your face,
find that familiar light
in your eyes,
I know you're mine
you have become mine
but I can remember
when the light was gone.

I can see the same
face that tears my heart
since the first day I saw you
before
you saw yourself.
But as you cry in the crowd
do you see me...
have you guessed...
When?

When your eyes shine
for other loves,
they will turn back.
This I know. And
there is pain knowing
you
will not let your gaze remain
as mine does. But
I look on, I know
we can make each other smile
yet again. Again
you love me,
and I
could never stop.

I do this thing I do not need
because you do.
I do it to myself.
To satisfy no craving
no debt I owe myself.

After dark
the open door
the broken ground
and you are here.

So beautiful
I can hardly take my eyes off you.
And when the nails went through
I was looking out for you.



WITHIN THE WALLS
Same bench in the park, same kissing couples.
And still in the freshness of the air
whispers always new.
Not the cold wind that brings the tears
this time. The warm breath of whisper
instead
which makes laughter cry.

I can laugh
in those strangest moments
not just because
you laugh with me,
because you know what made me cry
just before I smiled.

No one else can see
what lies behind my walls.
When you're within
you don't have to peep.

Open eyes
round and wondering
I see within the walls
my secrets whom I've never met
and look up
into something sharper
than the cold wind
that makes me miss the memory
of the future
in your eyes.
Same bench, same couples
but the twilight's a different colour
from your eyes.



AND this final unedited one...
WHISPERS
I can hear a whisper from
a distance but I
don't know what they say.

Do I feel beautiful today?
Does my face show the price
I've had to pay?

Sometimes I smile
I know
whispers come easy
when you're beautiful.
Sometimes I turn away.
Whispers come easy when
you're scarred.

Did you hear our whispers
on the playground,
when you shared your lunch
with self? Or did you
imagine an adoring crowd
and unshaken sit and smile
until alone?

Did you hear it
when we laughed
at the holes in your rags
or when we flicked
our fingers at your clothes
your hair your speech
your choice of friends?

Hearing did you
cry a little walk away
or did you think
whispers come easy
from the beautiful
come easy for
the loveless?

But did you
hear me laugh because
I didn't want to hear
my whispers? Did
you hear the whispers
in the shouts of
crucify.

Whispers come easy
when you're beautiful.

Trust Me

It seems so long since my post on the 14th. I have learnt so much more since then. I read again a letter a friend wrote when I blogged that post, and it still makes me cry. Thank you for caring - those who read my blog and those who don't. I didn't mean for it to be a pity-party but I think I was really confused then. I have actually grown since then - LOL I know anyone who says that immediately sounds immature even to their own ears but hey this is my blog. So if I can't think aloud here - where else am I supposed to go...

Besides I've rehashed the issue a few times - I'm not sure if I had to hash it first in order to rehash, but that's a tiny detail of morphology - until the two people I was talking to about it seem to have gotten tired of hearing it. So I'm gonna blog. I find I have to analyse things right down to a bare minimum and arrange things satisfactorily in my mind before I lay it to rest. I do this tidying up so often in my head, that I have an adverse reaction and consequently never clean my room... Everything has a price tag. That's my story anyway - and yes, I am sticking to it!

But I have put my finger on some of the causes - and to my disgust, my analysis came out rather revoltingly. I ought to say don't believe the fairy tales, but I'm going to say do. Because you get hurt, but you like yourself so much better that way.

To quote SD: 'Though it is hard work for me to do it, I could do so much more for Him'.

NB Most times it's not hard work... Most times I have to keep myself from grinning while on my bike because passers-by will no doubt think I am an Oxford regular round the bend. Like the woman who sings opera at the post office and at stop lights. Or the well-dressed man who talks to himself with vehement expression, and sane smile! Or the lady at the weekly market who overdresses and wears her mascara fanning down toward her cheeks... I could be the regular who hums to herself all the time, and walks around charity shops compulsively, and lingers uncertainly outside Directors of Studies' rooms because she cannot think of a graceful way of interrupting the conversation, or who acts either too young or too old for her age.... But of all the reasons, the least likely that I could be certified is the fact that there are moments in the day when I can't stop smiling because I know He loves us. So much. When we're scared or lonely or hurt or angry or confused or shocked... Trust me, I know. He'll take it as it comes. He thinks you are wonderful. You. You know who you are.

Cheese, chutney and culture

Cheese, chutney and culture.

That might be the name of a novel I might write or might not. Who's to guess.

Thing is I might do - and I could never have mighted if it weren't for my life now! So yes, two posts back I was feeling like... that. There will probably be other times I'll feel like rehashing the tiredness post. There are several things I don't see the answers to - less answers now than before. I thought I had some answers, I know I don't now. I've still got Jesus and I have a strong feeling... strike that out, I have a strong knowing ;) He's gonna keep me... Hurray for a God who holds you even when you don't have the strength to hold on.

So yes, I'm learning how perfect love can and should cast out crippling fear. I'm learning to get used to relearning things. I'm learning to laugh even more. I'm learning to love. Learning to shut up, learning to not grow up, and I'm learning what might be hardest of all, to say so what. Yes, even to things I have taken for granted all my life.

And I'm unlearning the little-protected-convent-grown-girl act, I am unlearning the humble-and-be-exalted-law outside of God... I took the fairy-tales seriously. Always did. The Bible is so real. But not everyone lives in the real world. So I will live in it - but I will remember the pretend-laws outside... JUST so I don't get confused again. BCC was so near-perfect, it was easy to forget. But that's not all good. Here in this bubble, I am real. It took me some time, but there have been songs in the night. And the songs have grown in strength. I can still make God smile.

Not that I'm the only one.