<3

Does your Fb relationship have to say 'In a relationship with ...' before you can put down <3 <3 <3 as your status?!!! :D :D For that matter, mine does say 'In a relationship' for semantic, technical reasons... I'm in the biggest love affair of them all with the best friend ever - Jesus. And I know you understand me :)

I just feel so much in love today. Loving someone and being in love - I think - are two different things. The former is constant and the latter... well, the oftener it's there with the person you love, the better!

Family - and er etc

I've been reading some of my rants on romance or the lack thereof... and giggling some more! It seems like most of my blogs on the subject have been when I need to complain about it. Rather sad, that. I have met guys who are interesting to talk to, love God and actually care about what you think. I have friends who are fun to be with and easy to make conversation with and who are passionate about the right things. I'm not a 'misandrist (?)'. But unfortunately, my blogging on the romantic front in this country seems to be tempered by my reactions to the Indian-single-abroad-must-marry syndrome or by the it's-natural-to-be-jealous syndrome... Now the first shows symptoms such as:

Hey, you're Indian and you're beautiful. Can I have your number? OR I love you. OR God gave me a revelation last night... [to the uninitiated, this can happen two days into having been introduced, if you happen to be a single woman and Indian ethnically and living in, as it happens, the UK].

The second has only ever happened once but apparently in certain unnamed (non-Indian) parts of the world, it is the general way of life!

It was my parents' wedding anniversary yesterday. I have truly seen love that grows more with time... PErhaps my perception has also grown and changed. They're extremely different but have been so committed to making a family that they have stayed together and learned to love and grow and I will always be grateful for that! It's given me a pretty clear idea of what I want if I do get married as well. You get married, you stay married... and learn together. You put God first. You make the gestures - it's rather pathetic if only one of the two does, and the other doesn't show that he or she cares at all! It's even more pathetic when neither do. I have learned from what I've seen and what I haven't seen. If I ever do find the man God has for me, I want us to share a vision... not bargain about it along the way. If God says something, we both need to learn to obey - implicitly. I could go on and on.

But mainly, I want to thank my amazing parents for our family.

Love

To be in Your presence, not rushing away, to cherish each moment, here I would stay...


Try as I might, I can't find who wrote that song but it holds me captive just now. It is all I want. Whatever might come, this one thing is certainty. He will hold you in the palm of His hands, so close to him that you are never out of his sight. He is in love with you. So t-o-t-a-l-l-y a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y in love with you... has been since the moment He first laid eyes on you. Even before you saw him or even came to be.

Just know that... :)

Bridge

Hola mis amigos, tiempo sin verte!! I have missed my space and reverted to it occasionally in memory but never enough to long to sit down and hammer away...

I'm glad I'm back though, even though I didn't always know I was missing it. And hey, it hasn't been that long really on the surface. Just about three weeks or so. Not quite the 400 silent years, but hey my point exactly - who says they were silent, eh? So much (oh, you have no idea) has been going down, I'm rather lost as to where to start.

But I can start there. Trust me, it won't take long for my philosophising drivel to begin ;).

So in the gap I've been on a few learning curves and loved them. I was sitting in my room one day - well submerged under duvets, pillows and blankets and the warmth (okay, don't hit me) of a companionable laptop - and trying to break through... something, I didn't know what. I didn't even know I wanted to break through until that point, I think. What can I say? I'm strange! And it was quite clear: It is a dangerous distance when you don't know you're far. Distance can be deceptive and when you're furthest is probably when you can't gauge it! Scary thought. So usually I'm a God-break-the-barriers-I-want-to-get-there kind of person. But here I was thinking Ah well, love'll take care of itself. We can't be far from home anyway.

I'm glad I was found.

Con todo mi carino

P

In Love

Apologies however for my own clumsiness in presenting this fantasticity of grace (if you're new to my rambling, I allow myself to invent words...). If you found my last rather melodramatic, that was just me trying in my special clumsy fashion to get my point across. I meant it. The point is this - God loves. Yes, it is covenant love; yes, He asks us to respond. But none of that changes the fact this way or that - God loves. Not even the fact that God judges can change the fact that God loves.

And I am still being blown away by the fantasticity of grace... Sometimes it would seem as if God says to me: Do you love me? Then act like it.

I am rubbish at being in love, I suspect. And I use 'in love' warily. I must also be rubbish at loving. I act sometimes like a complete ass - a kiss at the door, one in the evening and no remembrance of love inbetween. Does God get used to hurt? Perhaps, but I doubt it. Whatever the answer, I'm willing to bet it still hurts.

So we were standing together in my little church belting out our love for the Lord. I have meant it, I do. But this Sunday, I just stood there half-grateful I knew enough to ask if I could be allowed to not lead tonight and just sit back in the meeting. And I was more than half-miserable knowing that I couldn't say I loved Him with all my heart and mind, knowing that I would love to be able to promise it with all the others who were smiling so gorgeously. But hating myself because at some level I was holding back (and I knew it) because I was afraid of hurting Him - again.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me - I don't have to go seeking after those highly desirable things... They follow me - can I whoop with joy now? Because as I stood there longing to be able to allow myself to sing that line, God spoke. And changed my life - again.

No Apologies

It's fantastic how God says in Jeremiah 3 to the backslider - 'Return and I will cure you of backsliding'!

It's not a mewling lover mourning loudly and Orsino-like about the love that has left him. No, it's not even an enraged husband staking all his glory and dignity on the wife who is unfaithful. It's not like a boss who suddenly clutches the last straw within his reach to save face - 'You can't quit! I fire you.' God is not mocked. And God is not dependent on anyone or anything. Neither is his love. It's not a you-love-me-I'll-love-you-back deal. It's not trashy or mushy or, in any way, weak. This is the kind of love that is stronger than death. I always used to wonder at the comparison - I mean why would you call death strong anyway, given the resurrection and the fact that we believe we're heading somewhere? But it's unavoidable, isn't it? This human death that is certain. The one thing that is surer is this kind of love. That, I guess, is why grace is amazing.

So my mind has just been blown away by that verse. And I'm glad of it. It's a love that God describes in so much passionate detail in the preceding verses. It sounds like he's crying, but he's not complaining. Sorrow but not shame. Remonstrance but not revulsion. Nothing can change it, he says. The only thing we can do is accept it - well, also reject it, but never change it. It makes me feel horribly helpless sometimes, and horribly ungrateful. And then I realise that he's actually doing it for himself as much as for me!! He just enjoys loving us and revels in extending mercy. He died just so he could have us and be with us. There is a heart full of sorrow and hurt, but the generosity remains. The vastness of a heart that is him - "though we are faithless, yet he remains faithful". Grace gives no apologies.

The Breaker-Down

Sometimes tongues are like a glass of cold water after your morning jog! When you're stuck because you can't say what went wrong and what came right, and you don't know where you want to be or go but you know you must leave this place you are in... Or when you're simply floored by being in love and wonder and peace...

Habit is a hard thing to break, especially the habit of thought for me... But God goes before you to break down and destroy what stands in His way.

I have just rediscovered Isaiah 45: 1-3 and I love it.

1 "This is what the LORD says to his anointed,
to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of
to subdue nations before him
and to strip kings of their armor,
to open doors before him
so that gates will not be shut:

2 I will go before you
and will level the mountains [a] ;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

3 I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

My bizarre goings-on

The most normal activity for the average girl and law-abiding citizen in your average family friendly neighbourhood in the late hours of the night - climbing down a ladder and a drainpipe onto a window to redeem a razor because it is the last remaining one before we can get to a shop tomorrow!! Yes, that would be normal, thank you...

LOL.

We have had an interesting weekend as A & M have arrived and I'm doing the touristy thing with them. We have a week of travelling ahead of us as well and are so looking forward to it. It's brilliant to be able to remember what a lovely place you live in too.

So we took a drive down to Mahabalipuram and went round all the monuments and carvings... we gave the shore temple a miss. My dad walked into the Five Rathas and was promptly stopped. Rudely. Then my mum and I. Now my dad was dressed in jeans, my mum in a salwar and me in jeans without anything er Indianly amiss... i.e. no tank tops, no halters, no tights, nothing remotely ramp-esque, no rolled up sleeves or trouser legs.... I mean I looked Indian... And I know it. Lol, the ultimate proof if you needed it, for instance - I am not of course suggesting for an instant that you don't believe me. Believe me!! I am so right ;D - I did not even have straightened hair! Ahhh, now I see your eyes rolling. Vanity, vanity - yeah, Solomon, you're the man ;).

Lol, anyway seriously - the man did not think we were Indian. Because we came with two people who were not Indian, so no 2 + 2 does not make four, really... No no no. So we had these tickets that he was not going to accept because he wanted us to prove that we were Indian and this is a half-hour down the road from our house! And my mum kindly informed me that I simply did not understand that in India they don't take to youngsters disagreeing. I don't understand that - I understand some people do wherever they are in the world... But er I still disagree :( I mean a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, eh?

Well, after that we found a cute little monkey whom my dad took on his lap... The story of the monkey is however that he was rather attracted to me :(. Yes, the life and loves of Pilgrim. Born Anno Domini___ , lived___, deeply mourned by Mr Monkey........

Oh and I got this perfect little bamboo bag that M bought for me for a present. It is gorgeous and a good size to carry when I'm going out for the day! It is just right, not too posh, not too tacky... and veeery in, ooohh yeah ;D

There were loads of things I wanted to put down on this blog but have no time. In fact, I'm so preoccupied it's taking longer! Bleh! So final news story for the day - one of these networking sites had my attention one jobless evening. So I messed about with the relationship status thingy looking for options - as in 'single but committed' or 'single and in a relationship with God' or 'in healthy relationships with friends and family' but er Booong Gutter Ball... So I went back to my old one, but the stupid interface put it on the news which means my church back in B has been in a state of furore (well, by church I mean girls' cell because it's the kind of thing you yak about between Bible studies and wellllllll after :D)... Did NOT know they were until a couple of days ago when RM finally broke it to me, asking me to 'put them out of their misery' and a day later M arrives to have a word with me about what did I think I was doing :D... Siiiiigggghhhh - and Darcy is either in P&P or in the process.

And by the way, just so you know God has been working out things in my life:D Wehey!!

Altars on the journey

Recently I have had what we shall call 'misty moments' rather more often. I suppose in seeking God, brokenness must come. It hurts. I've heard people say love hurts - that's probably why we don't spend enough time on our relationships. Well, I don't. I tend to think the more I love someone, the more secure that relationship is aaaand (here's the real cringer) therefore the less work and time it needs... And Jesus warned about losing the ardour of my first love. It brought a song out of me, once. In the words of Cliff Richard (lol, okay, okay I know, don't hit me ;O) - He knows me better than I know myself, eh? Because, you see, I have this idea that I've got it all together... and when the going's good, I somehow get it into my thick skull that I've got less cleaning up than some... Ooooh boy, I know I'm wrong when I think about it. But complacency happens - far too often.

By the way, on a lighter note, maybe I'm just wired that way!! My mum would probably agree - I leave a couple of clothes on the bed telling myself it's only a couple. I will use it soon enough. Makes sense, doesn't it? Why shove it into my already ready-to-deliver-at-a-nudge wardrobe? Well, there's a couple more tomorrow because something happens and I can't wear just what I thought I'd wear... so the clothes wait, until I need to sleep on the floor and not just out of choice! Sigh! Sometimes I'm so all-girl-stereotype, I could laugh. I mean why can't I wear what I thought I decided to wear? Beats me.

Anyway, that's about what happens to my life often. Thankfully because I am being taught to listen - I am able to see the clutter more clearly. Not because I'm particularly perceptive (sob!) but because... well, what Cliff Richard said. Lol, Jesus knows me best. And I'll admit, I panic sooner and much more when I hear the distance than when I see a messy bed... The trouble is learning to listen takes a lifetime. But God is good and He speaks.

In seeking and listening, as I said, a lot comes out in the raw... And I am so grateful for it. It shakes me out of inertia. And when I feel as if I am reaching out for God, and I know He is holding me so close and holding out to me what He wants for me just before my eyes... and yet, I grope because I am crying... Well, those times it pays to remember the altars on the journey. That's what this blog is about - to say how thankful I am for the times God has led me to write. Because when I want to speak, but can only sob (in a quite-unromantic-big-snivelly way!) or when I want to pray and words will not suffice - and I am waiting on the tongues - when I am overwhelmed - then God, like today, shows me the altars we have built along the way. To comfort and rest and refresh and maybe even give me a cuddle :O!! God holds you when you're breaking, you know... So nothing falls away. So He takes me along and says Okay, it's time to remember. Not relive, not glory in the past, nor bark at a memory just remember what happened that made me write that something, or made me feel that way or what I had heard or seen or learned or received. Yes, I am glad for the altars. Because they trace out a cross.

?

Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

What, then, do I do? As I seek the answer, I am learning and unlearning. But I need an answer! But as I seek answers, I come out with peace - no answers yet, but Jesus. Strange working indeed.

This is not a sad post

It is as if I search for you, but I have lost the way to you. I know I haven't - the way to you is you.

As though I were speaking and speaking of nothing, until I forgot how to listen.

It is as if I am lost because you are lost. And my way to anyone is lost - or I fear that it will be in the brain-warp that I have stupidly created.

I know this moment is of my making and I know these feelings are only premonitions which will be real if I don't let myself be nothing, give completely and wait.

This is emptiness that only you can fill. The deer to water - that's been done. This, this is just me to you. Speak. I'm listening.

I am like any average person. I think relationships don't need work, I think decisions of commitment come heralded - violin concertos and sunbursts. I keep thinking until I remember or stop thinking to listen. You're good at this - you teach me. I just pray I will learn when it happens with others, when we're both learning, and you still teach. That you will not teach to the unteachable, not for too many moments.

The best so far, and better yet to come

Thank You. That is all I need to say, yet so little - but nothing is 'enough' in infinity.

Dunamis

I think it must be a largely Indian thing to favour PG Wodehouse - few of the non-Indian members of my acquaintance do...

God has been doing quite a few things in my life lately. Tomorrow will be 12 years since I accepted Jesus as Lord - AND Saviour - and said Welcome, Holy Spirit... And how gorgeous and exciting that feels, and still promises to be is something words fail me for...

I read this thing from a friend - and it quoted 2 Corinthians 12:9.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

But it brought home to my mind the fact that the Greek word used for 'strength' there is actually dunamis - dynamite, of course. Wow! So I'm this weak, confused, insecure little thing one moment - but I ask God's power in, allow it to work and wham! I'm a force to reckon with. One little power-package! It's not just a quiet strength, it's explosive. Don't get me wrong - the quiet confidence speaks volumes more than the striving, point-proving argument... But if it is a quiet strength - in the midst of all your troubles and your decisions, in the midst of that
'whelming flood'
of yours - you know that there is a potential shell-shocking, earth-shaking explosion in it, for just when you need it.

I also read Psalm 119:25 -32 and it hit home as the Bible always does. Thought I'd share it with you.

I have been faced with many decisions lately - I need a whole train-load of wisdom for all of them. They all seem so inter-twined too. I also need to get a few needless worries out of my head ;) Thanks, BO, SD and AB for your prayers. Keep at it. God gives us the best always - I need to be able to listen - VERY carefully - and obey.

Love and prayers all,

pilgrim

PDAs

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Yesterday, I had a sudden 'moment of consciousness' (not quite Virginia Woolf though)... Who am I kidding? Love is stronger than death - true. But it is still a choice - yes, even if you are head over heels in love with someone as well as loving them (slight difference there ;D ). Love is an act, and if you don't or cannot show it... you are doing a rubbish job at loving someone.

This brings to mind something I did not think I would blog about. It was a random conversation with my mum about public displays of affection. Many Indians look on it as 'wrong' even. I am a borderline Indian, I suppose :O - I think public displays of affection can be cheesy and stilted and superficial, and many things are meant to be private. Agreed. But, within the bounds of public behaviour codes, it should be a very natural thing. The reason I take this stand is many Indians are quite ashamed and embarrassed by any open affection particularly between spouses... Wouldn't that offend you? That someone didn't want to accept loving you? Quote me right - affection, NOT steaminess :D LOL But public displays of affection (PDAs as I have heard them called) have been around since eternity and the greatest, heart-tugging-est one came about 2000 years ago from a Man who wasn't a man... Yet He was the perfect Man, the ideal from whom any man worth his salt (or woman for that matter) must take their cue. He was honest. He declared Himself. He wooed me when I would have run away and thrown His love back in His face. He doesn't just ask once or twice or even three times, He keeps asking and keeps forgiving. And then, yeah, the PDA I was talking about - He said He'd die for me... and He did. On a cross. In front of a laughing, weeping crowd. Maybe they were laughing at His foolishness. Maybe I did. It was the best thing He could have done. And He did it.

But we do it all the time. We downplay how much we love somebody and then believe our own lies. Imperceptibly at first. And then slowly a moment of consciousness comes - it may not take too long. But the truth is that, for however short a time, we have forgotten the choice to love. To spend time with them. To give of ourselves to them. We break promises and make loopholes to tell ourselves we haven't, not really. When it hurts is when you see that one side of the covenant is constant. So when I keep saying I love Him, but there is more time in my life for nearly everything else... what do I really mean? The message He gets is the message I'm giving. Sure, we talk and discuss every little incident of the day. We make notes to each other about every little moment. I say I love Him - and He means it. I do too, but I forget so often. And because it hurts, even once is too often. But I love Him - my first love - with every bit of me there is to love (or not to love :) ). I couldn't imagine a life without Him. But I know love is also an act, a choice, not just an emotion - and I forget it far too often. Recently I haven't done too well - not that I am very good usually. He brings me to reality always. But let's just say, I have learned the importance of time for the One you love, not just with Him.

So I say again, for the nth time on this blog, Lord Jesus, I am head over heels in love with You - and I am finding it's the right way up :D

Ezekiel 47:9

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I know, I know...

I said I would tell you all about my flight and my little airport miracle (well, my big and God's little, rather...) Or did I not mention the miracle factor? Tsk tsk, should you not always allow for it anyway? So (pilgrim said conveniently, letting herself off the hook), it is not as if I let some fat, skulking cat out of a dark, tied-up bag - the miracle factor with my God must always be reckoned with ;)

But I'm not here to blog about that really. I think I have said it to so many people and many of them had been praying it in, that I am now considering resorting to the lowest, scummiest act of all un-bloggerly acts... (drum roll as suspense builds, a crash of drums, a flash of light...) COPY and PASTE... and the fact that I am telling you of it bears witness to the kind of blogger I am. I am a blab, a blab-blogger, a blablogger... Sigh. Groan. Sigh. Giggle. Before I start shooting off with even more absurdities, perhaps I should inform you that I am writing at an unearthly hour of the morning, with the prospect of an early wake-up call to church, and the final shred of the remnants of the jet-lag excuse already dragged away from my unwilling fingers. I see it's retreating back with sorrow - now my only reason is that I have the hours of an owl (I do try to be wise, I promise).

I shall now shut up with the ridiculousness and progress to matters of more serious import - mainly, isn't God just brilliant?? I mean, ain't He simply fantastic!!! Don't you let anyone tell you any different either :D

And also this blablog is most probably my reaction to this blog I found (nominated for best design etc :O) by "lemonade" called withnowheretogo.blogspot She was spieling (in a very interesting and engaging sort of way, of course, being the great blogger she is) about how she was thinking about whether she would ever get to live a 'full' life... Hmmm, now that is just waiting there and asking to be challenged :D I sort of empathised with the rest of her statement... Yes, if I ever do have a husband, I want a 'drool-worthy' husband too - and I don't just want twin boys, I have a whole list! And yeah, he'd better be the fleshed-out Darcy and Gilbert Blythe and ... well, no. He can be him so long as he's nearly perfect (perfectly imperfect too) and just exactly the guy God wants for me... And no, I'm not hunting down Colin Firth look-alikes, I'm thinking more God-chasing, intelligent, listening, focussed, and in-love-enough-to-ask-twice-or-wait (like my fictional heroes, as I am being very PC here) kinda guy! nah, my needs are simple ;) And yes, I want kids that ask interesting questions maybe... The kind that'll enjoy my mum's make-believe series... They might even play cricket with my dad and enjoy his gadgets, without the interests being mutually exclusive. Yes, they will also throw tantrums so that suddenly I can be the hard-put-upon 'mother person'... Lol, actually maybe I won't do that deal, I might end up giggling! Oh, throw a career in too - and with the adorable kids and husband and already-lovable family, I will not look haggard and baggy-eyed, I will look like front-page material. LOL. Seriously though I do not walk around all moony-eyed and saying 'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?' or any such sap! It annoys me when people assume one must be looking, if you are single; or that you must be looking for a husband sooner or even eventually. I don't actually pine at all. LOL. And I'm up in arms in a trice if anyone is on about being dependent! But I am not being sarcastic at all here - I am dreaming and no, any dream will not do!

The trouble is I don't want any dream. I don't even want mine (above included) if they are misguided. I want the vision...

So do I not have a full life? I do. Absolutely. The fullest of full lives you could possibly expect to live. And it's because fullness of life doesn't come from a husband, gorgeous or otherwise, or a fast-paced career, or a perfect family... I haven't got any of those. The first I just don't see in sight. The second I suppose I have weighed in the balance. The third we are simply not. We are not perfect, but we are a family and that is certain. And I love us. I have also found 'us' in other parts of this little globe and I still love 'us'. But I have fullness of life in Christ like the Bible speaks of... and this is probably why I have never actively desired the money or the 'success' by the yardsticks of the world today or the husband or the ideal height-weight-ness (;O) or the general picture-perfectness (you get my drift)... because I already have and have had for some time and find it hard to replicate or add on to this abundance of life that I have been given. It's an Ezekiel 47:9 kind of life and it's definitely here!

Less space more distance

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We are strange people. We chance upon other equally strange people somewhere along life's quirky road between potholes and motorways... They fit in to our path, theirs is parallel. But along the quirkiness that I have already mentioned is life, they embark on the motorway stretch or the rough mudtrack... and suddenly we don't have space for them any more.

See, we have this picture of life mapped out like a board game in a perfect square... the dice throws a fortune or a folly, a friend here, a relationship there, a career just on that third row, the fourth square... The way we figure, anything else, any earlier or later or higher or lower or even slightly to the left, will spoil the winning formula to the final square. So we pick our strange counterparts - squares with similar dimensions, instrumental in the gameplan. And then the inevitable happens... someone's edges might get rubbed off, or they just might choose to be a different square, or you might choose to be a different square even! Suddenly they are not the square any more. And you know and they know perhaps that you will not have space left on your little square board game that must fit into its little box. You will choose not to have space left. Distance becomes the abiding rule. The race now, of course, is for who gets to create the distance first. The faster and further away you move, the surer you are of winning.

Yes, well, what would happen if ever you have to face that your edges are just a bit out of line with your game? Ah well, we make our rules...

A big long sigh and a few giggles

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This is going to be a hard one to write. Nevertheless one must endeavour and I am convinced I shall write it (although I will probably come back for a hundred edits but no one must ever know I told you that!).

This is only my second night and already we have had a family ahem 'argument'. You think you've grown up and then things hurt that shouldn't, and you think - gosh, where has all that change flown to?!

My father called me out to discuss something. Ominous words those, as you can guess. I just brought my worship music out to keep playing and was summarily told by my appa to put it off as it would distract him. Little things like that now suddenly I find even more strange... not because I have a problem with authority (I know when I do unfortunately :( ) but simply that it is something I would never think of telling someone else. I would probably hold on for a couple of minutes and then if it really really ran my head in a tight twist I might suggest it. But that was only little and my father is really amusing like that. And he's so funny when he says 'it's for me' but you know, if you didn't want to do it, he wouldn't be so obliging! And it's just like me!!! In so many ways! So I did really laugh then. But later - I really wanted to cry and I wished so much that I had that outward aid of focusing my mind on God - it's only a prop, but I have had a hard time tonight. I think we all have had. If God weren't hugging us in our individual, in-all-probability-self-imposed miseries, He might be amused at our thickness...

But we were talking about a huge decision that appa and amma seem to have taken. Tomorrow the ad will be in the papers to sell our house which I've lived in for nearly all my life (if you count the last two years too, lol!). Not something I was anticipating, at all LOL. Ah well, like I always say, at least life's never boring:D I have been provided for by miracles sometimes. And I have tried to help. But my father I believe is hurt that he cannot give and others give. This is strange to me because part of it is scholarship money and part of it is the bank and part of it is simply the family of God in fantastic ways. And hard as I panic when I am waiting on God, I still cannot believe appa is responsible for the fact that God provides. But I have never lacked - I have never not had enough and needed to ask for it from people. But the provision has always been just in time. My parents have been running out of money for sometime. Yet God provides in an amazing way but I think appa feels day-to-day faith is okay but perhaps just maybe he is not being responsible enough. I understand - and being humbled is hard. Appa then said "So we, as a family, you, me and amma have taken this decision and we agree don't we?"

LOL LOL LOL

Earlier on in the conversation he had said it was amma's insistence that made him tell me. And I'm thinking Hang on 'ere! So in a month when the house is sold you will tell me to pack my bags because we're moving??? It is ridiculous, isn't it?! But it hurts like a tweezer pressed on the ripest point of a tumour! And I am even finding it a bit ridiculous and funny that it hurt like that... but maybe it has a purpose in leading me to find out what God wants of me next... And he then told me that in his day his parents would take the decision and the children would silently pack their bags and follow without a moment's notice and no questions asked. If they heard, they would know. If not, so there... Appa has so often brought up to me this idea of his father and how he thinks life can be ordered the way thatha might have had it. Military, no questions asked, charge without counting consequence, no involvement, friendship or accountability. It didn't matter when I was growing up and I couldn't be called a child anymore... LOL, it still doesn't matter when I'm considering whether to believe people when they say I'm all grown up :O But you know, maybe it has always been my fault that I expected more... that I always looked forward to the day that my father would maybe treat me as someone-who-would-understand... It didn't bother me when he was like that until, long ago, a paying guest in our house was called to the table to 'discuss' things. Said paying guest being my age and she and I having been chatting on the sofa until that point. She did not know the language yet - I was her teacher. However, when she asked if I couldn't come and help, my appa simply said "No, she won't understand, she's only little... I don't want to involve her". I take full credit for being 'only little' - I was seventeen or eighteen I think :) And I still haven't become a 'big' girl... Siiiggghhhh

Anyway back to business - it has often been like that with appa. it is as if he suddenly never saw me! I suppose I must be like that to him too. I must be completely unsympathetic and I must seem immature to him - actually, this I must seem to both my parents. The trouble is I don't know why, and every other person I am with, if I am immature to them - I know it.

But it wasn't just that. Some other things were said that hurt. And I had no idea. And at this point, I don't know which hurt more then - the fact that my father said and thought what he said and thought or that my mother just couldn't accept that my reaction was a hurt one! To me, it seemed painfully obvious that I would react that way. To my mother, apparently, not. And I was not angry - and my mother who I usually assume understands, believes I was. I know some of you know me - BO, GJ, AB etc... But I'd just like to say for the record - when I react immediately, it isn't always because I am angry or defensive. It is simply because I have verbal diarrhoea or that I am stressed or like a complete idiot I actually want to let you know that this flippin' hurts and I'm wondering, like the beautiful non-grownup I am :O, whether God will use someone listening there to make it go away! I felt so small and tiny and all I wanted to do was go back to my room and listen to KK's Spanish worship music again. But I only moved to do this when everything was nearly over and my head was splitting in a pounding headache and I could see no point in trying to drive it home that 'we-including-me' did not, in fact, take the decision my father then off-the-bat-ly said we had 'all' agreed upon. But amma took it that I was just 'reacting' and protested. Maybe it was just that she panicked and didn't want to let me go off when she hadn't made me feel better - maybe she was being 'mum'-ish. But she couldn't have - and all I wanted then was to be alone with God... But hey, we're all messed-up humans and even worse communicators so it was probably me that got that wrong...

Appa also says 'I know this is the will of God... why not let me be happy in doing this and why not believe me when I say this is the will of God... because I have tried everything else... if it is not the will of God, you should tell me... if it is not the will of God, some man of God will tell me...
...' And I'm thinking Woah, do you hear yourself?!

Mixed signals and then I get told off again on this count - I am partly responsible here because I said unless God specifically told me to 'GO and TELL' or He made His sovereign will (as in command-ish) I would never tell them if God revealed something to me... simply because it would complicate matters further and God can redeem. Also having been told that I was in danger of believing myself the only one who hears from God (and amma and appa argued on this one! LOL while I killed mosquitoes and tried to stop crying so annoyingly!), I did not think they would want me telling them. Also having been told that amma got annoyed (unknown to me LOL... I was well amused when my appa described that as he has a clever knack of putting things in very laughable ways that sticks to him albeit in a different tone even when he is angry) that I kept repeating that if I didn't know, I was going to wait on God... I really did not think it was a good idea to take it on myself to be the happy bounder and tell them unless I was meant to! But I was being cautious and, as can be expected, appa said but this is a family - and you discuss things - and you're not being accountable for each other and engaging with each other as people in a family do. By this time, I was hurt and amused (impossible state) to do anything else but sit there instead of saying 'Exactly'! But I was so blessed because even with me being flippin' me - I didn't argue or say things I could have now regretted or say anything that wasn't right in the eyes of God. So obviously the whole of the three hours! Unfortunately me being an Indian family member - I did raise my voice, as we were all talking at once - as, of course, you do ;O LOL

Anyway I am sorry I offloaded all of this on you - whoever is reading this! You didn't stop by for a whine! But I came back crying 'I want to go back already and even more today' - but I ended up listening and I know He's right, of course, I can't run away. And I know tomorrow I will enjoy my parents' company and love having the dogs around... They are gorgeous, my puppies! I also know there is a reason He's brought me here and, at least the ones I know, I'm waiting to fulfil.

Tomorrow I will tell you all about my flight maybe... Today my head just needs paracetamol, no contact lenses and to 'be still and listen'...

Love y'all

pilgrim

Tuesday and backlog - and 'being' ...

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This is what I wanted to blog on Tuesday but there was so little time and I didn't want to use RM's internet more than I already had.

It is so hard to leave.

It is - so - hard - to leave!

Now that I have left I know it is and it still is but I am glad glad glad to have given my mum and dad those hugs and had the girl talk with my mother! And the dogs are more gorgeous than ever. I have just got here and haven't unpacked. But now I want to go and spill all to CK in BCC and tell her all about it and BO too... ah well, the Lord may see fit to send me back sooner than later :D I am so blessed to be here now - home, like I've said before, is to me being in the centre of God's will.

Last week, the family prayed and CK told me that she felt God saying to her I really needed to 'be still and LISTEN' - so basically, I need to shut up and pay attention. I thought I was doing that very well but after this word, God brought to me an awareness at the points where I wasn't. At one point over the laughable manicness of the past weeks, I was slightly weepy at moving so often and asked where I could find myself staying put finally - and this grouchiness over only three weeks of nomadic-ness! And it was then that God showed me that the problem with these moves - as opposed to others in my life - was that I was not settled or 'being still' which I could well be even if I moved locationally and geographically! Simple point - forgetful brain! And I knew that the devil was trying to pervert what was actually obedience. The key to that command to BE STILL follows in the same verse - it's knowing that He (Jesus) is God.

Full Circle - and some

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That link up there is another amazing passage in the Bible. He knows what the dark holds. He knows. Makes me want to cry and dance and hug Him and... shout... and cry again!

Not long ago in my ahem short span of life so far I experienced a reaction to my own race that wasn't exactly the most favourable. I have ranted in other blogs about the whys and the why nots. I am not going to rant here because God's brought me full circle. A couple of weeks ago I went to my first Tamil fellowship here, and I've been meeting Indians all over the place and they have been a blessing in many ways ... A restoration (it's ongoing at the moment) of my faith in my kind :)

Don't get me wrong and I have no wish to offend :). I love my family and friends back home in India - and funnily enough, nearly all of them happen to be Indians! But some of my friends reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about and it has hurt. It still hurts to think of it. But there is a certain restoration of trust and chipping away what little rancour there may have been that I am very grateful for.

I went to a couple of fellowships around the valleys. Everyone had questions about what I was doing and where. Inevitably I had to tell them that I was not going to be regular, and the questions were answered fluidly. I laughed (sometimes I had to blink away the quick lacrimation, lol) and told them I didn't know and hopefully I was going to find out. One darling little lady whom I was meeting for the first time and whose shoulders came just up to my own not-too-high hips gave me a hug that was so warm and tight - it was like she was holding on to me and letting me feel that she meant it. I was surprised by the unexpected firmness of the frail thing. Just one of the many lovely Welsh people, I have met. I know some of these people will pray for me too.

I am looking forward to going to India. I have thought about the big hugs I will give and just what I will say to some people. I have thought about how I will try to be nicer to some others. I've also noted that I may not have to actually try with quite a few because maybe I have grown up a teensy-weensy bit.

I am looking forward to going home. Because it is in God's perfect will and I have received confirmation of it both much before and immediately after it was done. And because home is where God wants you to be and learning that has helped me over 'homesickness' over these couple of years.

I am scared of going to India. Or rather there are moments when I have doubts - not about whether it's the right thing but about my ease in some situations. Because I don't know for how long I'm going to be home in India or whether I'm coming back or when... And I know that answer will not be sufficient for all the Indians I meet with. My answers to questions about why I am leaving this job indefinitely, about what I am going to do next, about how long I will stay in the town, about when I'm going to post a flippin' matrimonial ad... The why and the when questions... I have dealt with not knowing the answers, I have even found peace in it because God is good and He's a great teacher:). But I don't know and Because I feel God want(s/ed) me to, I know He does... will cause a reaction that while I picture with amusement, also makes me sad.

I know just how those brows will be raised and the heads will be cocked. Some of them will laugh as if I was making a joke. I admit I do laugh at it sometimes - and I will laugh with them :D. But I'll be stumped when they continue No, seriously, what next?? It is sometimes harder because Indians have their lives planned very well. I admire the focus - I have done exactly the same. Would do too again, if I had the chance. But given the way things are, my (informed) guess would be that there would be this niggling compulsion that will not go away if I ignored what God is obviously trying to do. There are times and people when and with whom God allows plans to work out and life to go as seen in the mind of the liver. He has done that so many times - down to the tiniest detail in my life - because that's how much He cares. But you know what, there are times when you just don't know and the sailing's easier because neither the mapping nor the navigating are in your hands. It's your holiday and if you're wise you'll enjoy it - because worry as you will, the ship will go its course.

Is that easy I wonder for the well-meaning 'uncles' and 'aunties' as we like to call them there to take in? Actually it might be worse for the younger people. People my age will all have their lives in order and be looking for the next degree or the next qualification or the next career move or the next life change. Yeah, but what d'you mean, you don't know? Or a few moments later So you've applied and you're waiting huh? Because they are sure they want that near-perfect (let's be realistic now) life they ordered. I wonder... does it make sense to you when I say yes, my life is perfect quite often, and it is definitely what I ordered, but I don't know what it is? Let's just say I ordered the Chef's Special Best...? No, actually, I really do mean I don't know it all. It is not a metaphor for not knowing which University or which job... I am waiting, but not for results... I am waiting on God. I have some answers and I feel soooo blessed with those. I don't have others - I feel equally blessed. If it does make sense to you, drop me a note or even a hug :)

Yes, I am looking forward to going home. Because even if I know my father and I may not agree, and I know I am going to be a lot more individually demanding than I used to be perhaps, and I know my mum might find it all a bit taxing, and I know I might need to find a church, and I know I am entirely unsure of how many of my friends I will fellowship with considering the number that have left, and I know it will be so good to feel my dad giving me a good hug, and I know I can touch my dogs' wet noses again, and I know my mum's cooking will be great and we can talk on the sofa instead of online all hours... and even if I know there is a lot I don't know and that it is quite something to know and have known what God's chosen to show... I still know it is home, because of family, friends, love but more importantly what I have said before - home is in the centre of God's perfect will.

How I gatecrashed a wedding

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Hmmm S & P's wedding on Saturday was glorious. It was such a great witness to all the people that had come. S's family were all Hindu, and of course, Indian. Most of them were, at least, except for VP, MP and her mum and brother (and all of them Indian origin except for MP!). I shall write about God's full circle in my life soon. But for now let's focus on how gorgeous S was, and her little bridesmaid, R! Let's, of course, also focus on the whole wedding, my role in it (as I'm so erm important and it was flippin' hilarious, after the initial embarrassment!) and the little stories that go with a wedding.

Let me say the service was sufficiently weepy (lol) but more importantly, the presence of God was definitely tangible. They made it very clear it was a Christian wedding so that everyone who came was exposed to worship and the Christian basis for marriage. Pastor Chris also gave them an insight into why a relationship with Jesus is fundamental for any relationship, especially the most sacred on earth, to work:) One thing that has always struck me is the fact that in India we never sang 'In Christ alone'. I love that song. Tis beautiful ;) Another thing I appreciate about pentecostal weddings (I am not being denominational, it's just something missing in some other denominations) is that the bride and groom have communion together. That's something so essential as one of our Christian covenant symbols. It is a symbol - I'll agree before you hit me with that - but it is the symbol of a covenant.

Well, after that lovely worship and he kissed the bride (studio audience: siiiiigghhhhh, awwwwwwww), I was asked by MP if I wasn't coming to the hotel and that he would see me there. Now... let's get serious. You are all dying to hear (I hope ambitiously!) about my mortal embarrassment. Tis a good laugh, so you shall hear it. Because I'm soooo nice, I don't mind being a complete idiot! Which I most certainly was that day! Ah well, like V said, God knew what He was doing. But then again, like I said, yes but S didn't!

So I said of course I was to MP. Now S had told me the previous week to make sure I got a lift to the hotel in the evening. And I assumed they were fantastically generous even if I had only known them for three months max. Since I'd definitely been invited to the hen night, I thought it was normal for the British too to invite you to their wedding parties. In India, you are just invited to it all, on the wedding day usually. I knew there was a big do at the hotel and had heard all the details of it and it had been planned for months! So to make space for one was, I knew, quite a big thing. I also knew I was only invited for the evening. What I didn't know was that between the evening and the afternoon, there was something for a select few normally, both at the hotel! I might have guessed had it not led so naturally to my gate-crashing that it caught me completely without suspicion! LOL

So I went up to D as asked and requested a lift. A sari is not very bussable! Not at all, with a thick winter coat on! She then told me that she was not, in fact, going to the hotel. She was just going to an afternoon tea and cakes at the bay with a friend. But she knew just who might be able to help and she sorted it all out and left me with a lovely couple and their very plush Jaguar. In fact, it just might have been this year's. If it was last year, it was a later one in last year's models. I know from M & VP ;O They were so kind and we had fun. They then told me that they were going to P & J's for tea before the hotel (ah, the elusive hotel!) and they wouldn't hear of my not coming. Neither would P. I apologised properly for inviting myself (well, at least I wasn't invited directly by the hostess!) and then on the way there, tentatively asked R & J, the couple who were giving me a ride, what time the reception was. They said "Oh... you mean the food... Oh that won't happen till at least a quarter to six! We've got plenty of time. But she did say there was a surprise so we shouldn't be too late".

Now in my limited vocabulary as an English teacher six-ish constitutes evening. As it turned out, it was even later than six. But THAT is how I gatecrashed a wedding. I didn't realise. I even sat at a place meant for someone else! How fantastic was that! There was just one person who couldn't make it, and he was even at M & VP's table! I mean I was at M&VP's table, LOL. I thought they had decided that he wasn't going to come so they could invite me!

It only dawned on me with horrible, slow inevitability when people started coming in later for the barn dance and sandwiches! And since V and I were then engaged in an involved discussion of the hilarious-excruciating (depending on perspective - V's or mine:O) circumstances, the photographer thought it was a Kodak moment. I was even photographed in my most embarrassing moment! LOL

LOL LOL LOL

But the wedding was spectacular. The bride and the groom landed in a helicopter! The view of Cardiff was breathtaking from the hotel. The meal was sumptuous and the cake deserves a mention - a white chocolate, strawberry cream-filled profiterole mountain that the happy couple slashed at with a large fencing-style sword! MMMmmmmm. It was a roast dinner and a five course meal. VP looked lovely too. R had her natural curls and tints, in a half-up, half-down do. She looked stunning. S of course topped the day. It was a two-piece sequinned lavender-white bridal ghagra choli, that looked sufficiently combined enough for S. And the marquee was fantastically detailed. I was too tired to dance but thankfully the embarrassment was late enough and not mortal enough to prevent an enjoyment of the wonderful Saturday.

S&P went off to Cornwall and are enjoying their brief stint there. Their real honeymoon's in May when they're going on a cruise - it's Alaska or bust!

Pas Chris told the church of their courtship. Some of it I know. But CD, when she prayed for S, mentioned their faithfulness to each other. P has been asking her every year to marry him. They started together SIXTEEN years ago! And every year, when P asked, S always said she did not see why as she was perfectly content as she was and wanted nothing more. Poor P did, of course :). But how absolutely gorgeous of them! But last year, when S went to Barcelona she sent P a card that made him keel over in shock. The card read 'To my fiance'. A phone call later ('Really, S?') and the rest is history. She is so blessed to have found and waited for that kind of love and faithfulness. They had very interesting toasts about their childhood too. They are indeed a special couple.

Way to go, S&P.