English classes

No, actually, students, you won't get through IELTS if the moral of The Gifts of the Magi is 'Never spend too much on gifts' as opposed to 'The best present of all is love'.
Yes, 'tomorrow' really does have only one 'm'. What's that, N? Well yes, I actually do know the language and I can't wait till the end of the day to say that wreathed in polite grins.
No, you were right the first time and when I say 'Brilliant, fantastic' it means you're right and you don't have to get it wrong the next ten times.
No, actually Jim is not sad because Della is a modern woman and cut her hair short.
No, Della does not hate Jim's gift because it reminds her of her hair.
No, Jim is not unhappy because he does not have a job - the book says he does.
Yes, the past tense is past, the present is present and you DID just say that to me when I wasn't asking. WHY will you not answer right when I am???? Waaaahhh, no it will not make it better if you offer to take teacher out to Burger King over lunch. And even if you flirt, I will still be friendly but get very corrective on grammar. For instance if you say 'Do you can go out when night week every?', I solemnly promise not to answer Wednesdays and Thursdays. I WILL say that two auxiliary verbs do not go together in simpler words and disregard your question!

Lol, yes they flirt sometimes but they are lovely and some of them very nice.

growing up and growing away...

They're two different things... You grow away, apart, sometimes. When you begin to realise it, and when you thought it didn't exist in the least degree and took pride in the fact... it hurts when you see the smallest signs of it.
But it is still interesting - even when the man that suffers and the mind that creates are not so separate yet!

rain, AB, there-goes-modelling and scholarships

This is weird but the most reactive to my last posts were people not of my race... they were all Christian and outraged. Probably the way it should be - when BO says 'Why do they tell me not to wear my sari like everyone else?' I say 'I dunno, have you asked them?' She has, by the way, and they have said 'Well, cos you're white'. So... they prefer brown midriffs to white?? I erm rest my case... :(( BO, by the way, who has asked to be sent this link is lovely wonderful fantastic (happy, B? :)) but more - she's awfully brave to keep going back to India which must be just as lovely and confusing to her as I find this country. Or maybe she's not brave - maybe she's just committed to what God wants. And I react to ppl's confusions sort of like they react to mine here - which on blogging about it makes me think of 'bearing each other's burdens'?? On a much smaller scale of course than the 1st C Christians ;)

BTW BO's name doesn't really stand for body odour. Not even when she's visited JMJ;) There, vindicated!

Now - it's been raining all day and since I love the rain I end up grinning like a bigger idiot than usual on my walk home! LOL Ah, Wales :) I know most people don't really 'love' rain - but I think it's brilliant! Beautiful really just like most other things are - sun, snow... although I might draw the line at enjoying a volcano... it may be beautiful (erm no offense, Lord;)) but I won't have time to stand and stare will I? Unless I'm already dead! Yes, I'm weird but not that weird ;) But no, rain's not pleasant when bus drivers like to splash your ankles and your lovely boots (!) with muddy water :(
But the real reason I wanted to blog about the rain is because this student was soooo weepy today. She complained about the UK, she complained about her husband, she complained about her house, she complained about English, she complained about money, she was just beginning to complain about her landlord's personal advances even!!! My word, no wonder she complained about me. She even complained about her zodiac - which of course she has read. It told her she would be tired and unhappy - well, of course she obeys THE ZODIAC! Uh! I was happy to tell her it was rubbish and would she snap out of it please (very politely in dulcet tones, ha!) But she was not focussed on her work really today which makes the teacher's job a LOT more teachy :P

AB - another friend who was on Gtalk for most of today and which made me glad!! Filled up my breaks most profitably on discussing mums, dads, men, boots, promotions, teeth and other essential information.

Wanted to also register for a models wanted thingy so I could get a free haircut - which I dearly need! But they took down the sign just today, so I'll have to go to that other shop with a similar sign (wink wink). I can always sound like I'm used to it with last year's stuff at UWB... LOL

Debbie Cameron wrote back to me and said the date is past for giving any additional information about scholarships so they can't really use my MA marks now... :S Either way God works stuff out.

PS

I need to be careful blogging doesn't eat into my worship time! I may blog about Jesus, but it may distract me into other stuff too... So this is just a mental note. Only when it's allowed.

My life is beautiful... (this is long, I warn you! ;))

Tbh, I am a bit surprised that that is the emotion I have at this moment in time. Today I had my second brush with racism in this country. I say 'in this country' because some people back home have been racist too - both nationals and visitors. It is interesting that I was only just saying to my mum yesterday that God has not only brought in my path non-racist people but people with love like I have rarely found elsewhere.

Every time someone rants about the racism they experience, I have this immediate reaction, albeit hidden. I discount it, partly not wholly, as a crutch. I do not say it does not exist. But it is just not a reason to complain anymore. Disgust - yes. Disregard - absolutely. Fighting against it - necessary when it occurs. But victimisation - no. If they have a chip on their shoulder because you are a different nationality from the ones they prefer, it really is their problem. At least within the conditions of living in this place, as far as I have experienced. Therefore, I suppose, my reaction is not entirely fair. But it is honest. You will never be unemployed because of it. You will never be totally isolated because of it. Perhaps unemployment because of language barriers can happen - possibly just as unfair, but much more justifiable. In fact, most Caucasians in my experience are much more sensible about it than Orientals...

Now the details - my employer told me to be nice to a particular student. At my questioning look, she said because she didn't like you. Concerned about my teaching practices, I asked why... especially as this particular student keeps complimenting me on my teaching! [- most of which I modestly disregard in the course of the lesson ;)]. She then corrected herself and said it was not me as a person she didn't like, or even my teaching as I was to discover, but the fact that I was non-native... Now there is a clear difference between a native speaker and a non-British or non-American or non-any-Inner-Circle-nationality (as Kachru would say) person!! Clear. Let me say that again - CLEAR. :D.

I was more shocked I think at the fact that the boss-woman wanted me to be nice to her. When I am shocked, I don't react. I mean I just have a middle-ish smile on my face and just nod or say mmhmmm!!! It has always been this way. Not something I like living with - sometimes it's convenient, sometimes it's flippin' crippling! Perhaps the student was concerned that my English was not native-speaker level. She cannot be expected to know that it is my first language. But the more I think about it, the more hurt I am by my employer's reaction. Perhaps also the student was saying it to haggle with my employer - who unlike most colleges often cuts around the fee to suit the student! On the other hand, perhaps she was racist even though I've now lost most of my tan!! LOL. Also perhaps my boss was saying it to give herself a foothold in any negotiations she might be planning in the future. By now, you must have a pretty good sketch of her sketchiness! She is sometimes amusing though. She is not Caucasian herself. And I still like the student. She applies herself to her work. I am not sure I will forget this in my dealings with her... but strangely enough, I just find it interesting. Incredibly dense. Slightly hurtful. But not enraging. Hmmm, maybe I have the perfect 'victimised' psyche!!! Lord, if I should be enraged, make it so. However, as the student has never exhibited any such prejudices or let it hinder her study, I am only disappointed and mad at my employer. She will probably bring it up again, and I will be more equipped. And there will be less people in the room :D

Now as to why my life is beautiful... Because in spite of this, it has been a beautiful day. The sun was out gloriously. The little girl behind me in the bus was singing. For once, I wasn't the only nut case singing, lol. She sang 'Dance then, wherever you may be/I am the Lord of the dance, said He'. And it so perfectly encapsulates my feelings today. Hardly creditable, is it?! I know! And I was able to help a student with her accommodation - she was so upset she stormed out of the building! In fact, it was the same student... and now thinking about it, I am entirely surprised myself (honestly, I AM NOT GOODY TWO SHOES, LOL) - but I was neither helping her for my boss's unpalatable reasons, nor for the sweet kind of vengeance. This has only just struck me as I recall the incident. This is why I should write - I only just realise that I spoke to her after I'd heard from the employer, and I only just realise that although I remembered it, I was not terribly hurt. God is slightly unbelievable. I am now a bit angry - more than when I started this blog, but just healthy enough. And this morning the Lord showed me these verses twice over... just in case, I missed the point that it was not just a random daily reading ;)

Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The LORD has taken away your punishment, He has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, 'Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.' Zephaniah 3:14-17

Aren't they beautiful?? Well, the One who said 'em is, so they've got to be, haven't they?? ;O The third and fourth sentence of that were especially quickened for me - and it looks like He was preparin me for the day ahead?! The following quote is something that was repeated today - and my mum has often given me this promise! So I guess that's why my day was beautiful... and my life is.

Now Carte d'Or Creme Brulee calleth ;)

Short story

Well, well, this has been a rather productive day for me. Cleaned my room and arranged it - it's beautiful, people, you're all invited!! Did all the washing, and even my shoes. Had a lovely swirly bubbly bath!!! Cooked for myself!! L achi died this morning. A bit sad... She was a bit of a family icon, bless her! I will write about that another day though. In the evening, at prayer, I felt God wanted me to write and I had to obey... This is what came out, a bit different from my other short stories. And real short. But I think it's lovely nevertheless. The inspiration came from where I am in my life (but that's not obvious ;O) and the verse that says 'The King is pleased with your beauty'. I think tis in the psalms... biblegateway.com fails me :(. But here it is... PTL


NO FATTED CALF


She sat still, arching her back against the bars of the bench. It gave her aching shoulder blades, weighed down with oblivion, some respite. She did not know where next. She had come a long way from the clinic. Fighting for answers till she was too blind to see them. She had been weeping too loud to ever hear.

Funny that. Women can go into a crescendo of crying until there’s nothing more to cry about, I think. Nothing more to be said. The silence seems frightening from the threshold. Inside, time stops. Funny that.

She had been in a cocooned crescendo for the past month. Like a train blurring through the underground, filling the darkness with noise. She had known, as surely as she knew herself, that she would reach a point when her inward self-torture would stop. Having reached fruition. Unbidden thoughts, the kind of thoughts you easily forget how to hold with your fingers, thoughts that were ancient questions – they were her voices of the night for these weeks. An almost incessant night, warm and stifling. Sometimes you close your eyes to forget.

She had closed her eyes last night. Only the formula must have missed the mark somewhere. She told me she thought it had worked. The angry crowd with distorted faces only made her laugh. No, it was not all contempt; it was at some levels genuine laughter which she believed she had lost. Perhaps it was a reaction. The onset of hysteria? Perhaps. But she did laugh.

It was that man with the little girl holding on to his one outstretched finger. He smiled at her. Surprised her. Then he turned back to the girl. She looked away, at her watch. She was in good time. He held out the flag under his arm to someone else, suddenly disembodied from the crowd. Maybe he had never been in the crowd. Maybe he had. Then they made their way and kept playing that game. Silly, inane game. Painful game. Precious game. Catharsis. ‘Pick your finger, princess, any one’.

So how did she find herself here in the next room to where she was going? The frightening silence had come – with an impossible sense of time. The noise merged with the crowd… outside. All outside. She was here, and suddenly she was listening – to the silence. With a gabble of words, she started to question again. A different kind of torture. Questions of absolution. The answers not inaccessible enough for ease. The solutions hitherto unacceptable.

Yes, she was weeping for herself. But it was so changed from these last months. It was a quiet cry, the comforting kind – not so loudly alone.

What was that he had called her? Princess. Rough-soft hand that her whole face could just about fill. We can play out today, princess, you and I…Rough wood under her, carry her lightness, as she carved perfect semi-circles in the air. Rumbling laughter, mingling with her own much softer giggles. Sometimes a third part would harmonise. It’s Sunday, princess, wake up. Wake up.


There were no more tears – for now. She had received freely, hadn’t she? Funny though that she had forgotten how. They would still be there. Shocked maybe, hurt certainly, but available. There would be the sound of understanding instead of this silence… She could easily learn to live with the happier kind of noise.

She got up, off the absurd seat, and shook off the dusted memories. They fell gently around her, handles intact. No. No, she could not go back. She had nothing to give. And this silence was… Well, whatever this silence was, she was holding on to the only thing she understood now. Time trebles distance. The past was too far away. But this silence smelled of eternity. It was not the familiar pause of conscious time she had dreaded. Maybe this quietness would change things later. But for now… No. She was not going back. Her steps quickened.

I found her reading old worn words under the autumn tree. To learn to freely give, she said, she must learn to receive again.

and ha! HA!

Now jus cos I'm blogthinging and you love me so much (:P lol) that you do it... does NOT mean you go on there and 'calculate' the love of your life, or the rest of your year, or your magical pick-up line or what star-sign you are!!!! Stay sensible :D
Love ya
pilgrim

PS As an English teacher and a bit of a grammar buff, I should say this test is more prescriptive than descriptive... Language evolves. Ta :)

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100% Punctuation: 100% Spelling: 100% Vocabulary: 100%

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

blogthing - because i'm jobless, not because it's magic but because there might be a hint of logic in it, and because i think i do behave much older!

Never mind what it says about the ages - but truth be told, I am NOT 27, never have been yet... Some of my friends have thought I was! I don't mind my thinking and behaviour so much. In fact, I am the way I am because I believe it's right (for me, at least). BUT I sometimes also look it!!! LOL

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Journal entry

It was funny today. I'm afraid this is not really gonna be a soul-searcher ;O
Well, at least I think not :O
The day was quite amazing:
1. MP called me and said, hey when u going to work?? And I said well abt ten I need to be there. So he decided he'd meet me at a quarter to because he wanted to give me something. i asked if it was post and he laughed and said no, he'd forgotten to bring it. The 'something' turned out to be a mobile phone!! With a SIM card and package. It's 3G which means I can use it in this country... but I mean it's just so fantastic. i was only recently talking about the amazing way in which I've seen the love of the church in action - AMAZING. How did I react - i was jus quiet n thankful n slightly unbelievin (are you sure abt this M??).
2. Had a very tiring day. N, a student who tends to have that effect on me, was in all day. Started on about what's in the Qu'ran etc I mean he never listens to what I'm trying to teach - sometimes I can only get a couple of syllables in, AND he will start off on his own tangent and a few minutes in of trying to keep my dignity, I realise he doesn't have to be saying all this in connection with the meaning of the word 'myth' or 'quiz' or 'jump'. Lord, I rest my case!!!
3. Got a tenner more'n I thought. But also doing an hour and a half more'n i thought which doesn't even up but hey... (no, I'm not crazy)
4. Free bread... by Hovis. They must have come up with this idea because perhaps they figured if everyone tried their bread, they would simply know it was good. In a few minutes everyone on Queen Street, and on the bus home had blue and yellow paper-wrapped loaves of bread in their willing hands and smiles on their faces! It made me think of Tommy Tenney's 'The God Chasers'. Is there bread in the house? People who are really hungry will take of it as much as they want. I was embarrassed to take more than one loaf and then I saw a family - they just helped themselves, not in the least in a pretentious manner. I took another loaf. Everyone did in the end. Are we ashamed of hungering for the other kind of bread? Should we be standing on metaphorical street corners and giving as freely as we have received? Because if everyone simply tries ours, they will know He is good.
5. Thought I was not going to Bible study. Was miffed because I couldn't take the bus as I couldn't find Maelog Close (it doesn't exist; Maelog Place and Road do, in different postcodes). And James had not replied to my text of takin up his offer of a list. Imagine my surprise when G knocked on the door?? Unbrushed hair, work clothes... poor G, I even forgot to say 'come in'. Had to run back n say it! But the offer of a sit-down-make-yrself-welcome is now eternally lost ;) (or maybe not, considerin the discussion we had!)
6. Bible study was fantastic. We started off with carbonara and special strawberry yoghurt cheesecake! Then we discussed Revelation. I was a bit doubtful when JCa started last week, but having prayed and decided to go to this one too... I loved it. I mean there were times when JCa said it is meant for the now, symbolism, etc. But I got the courage to say, with another lady, that it is on a literal level too as there are many levels and there is no need to limit it either way! And it got into quite a heated conversation - as Gary says we don't actually go to heaven, God comes to earth... But it doesn't matter and none of us understood why he was so hung up on it, but it still made a great debate. Personally I don't see that it says God will come down to earth either. It just says God spends eternity with us (how incredibly hugged that makes me feel :D) Love You, Lord (did I say? ;))
7. Now I've just had a lovely conversation on Orkut. And a cheery panad with a coupla friends on MSN.
Thank You for today, Lord!! And thanks for puttin it in perspective at the end of the day!! Woohoo :D

colour and light

Red shot through with the colours of light, framed by faintly incandescent cloud… my favourite effect is when a shaft of sunlight parts the thick foam curtain. Like a torch through the blue cream blanket looking up the time of day.

The waters above the firmament He called sky. An upstairs swimming pool… making that same water and light lattice that ours make. Living light. Just on a cosmic scale. Living light… light of life… and in its natural gravitation, light of the world.

riding on aslan :D

I found a church near where I live today... It was good - the worship could have been more focussed... The team was great, but... perhaps that's why you shouldn't be lettin what's around you in... It's called Glenwood Church Centre. The word was about engaging with the Word... letting it change you. Today and on March 25th, churches around the world will sing Amazing Grace. We are celebrating the abolition of slavery... but one of the things that shocked me that the pastor said was that the slave trade exists. Today. A number of Chinese illegal immigrants were press ganged and brought here to collect bags of cockles in Morecambe Bay for a fiver a bag. They are kept in unsanitary conditions and one night when they were working, a wave swept them in. The man whose story made it out made a last phone call to his wife. His recorded words were "Sinking water sinking water Many many sinking water". He was never heard from or of again. We have no photograph of him. His wife in China alone would remember his face.

This was a weepy sorta sermon for me... Huh, news! But they showed pictures of the church's involvement with people in Burkina Faso and there was this crunching, twisting feeling inside... I am not being melodramatic... But it's not new to me. However, I pray that some day I will have the courage to get up and say I want to be involved. I am usually happier making the tea and coffee and shifting the chairs... But worship is something that I have grown into, and love doing. And over the last couple of years, the Lord's removed the embarrassment of inadequacy. So yes, I am inadequate, and yes, my voice might break in the most horrible way suddenly in the middle of a song (that is not experience, that's a flippin nightmare:D) - but God wants a joyful noise anyway and if He chooses to put me there, He'll take care of everything - voice, noise and nightmares. LOL. It took me sometime to realise that it really is all about Him. I would have agreed instantly if anyone'd asked me if it was - but to make it real and subsume it into my consciousness... well, it took God to do that I suppose :) And I'm still so blessed by it. I am grateful though that when the Lord actually tells me something, however insignificant I feel about it, I must do it or be restless and unhappy. I do it because I fear not doing it. I also do it because I know I will love doing it. And because I know anywhere outside of God's perfect will - particularly, when He has made it known - will never be home to me, or indeed to anyone whom He has set upon!

I do miss BCC. The intimacy of worship and the fellowship I've experienced there. They taught me what it is to really be a part of God's family. Unlike anywhere else... BCC, Ga, MP and VP... Their story must be told too. I'll never know how I have helped there - there must be some small way just because nothing is wasted in the economy of God :) (that's Morgan's line btw). But God bless them for being a part of my life. Strangely enough, I actually mean that. They have been more of a family to me than people I have grown up with. And I do not mean my own family at this point. But they are so precious because of the way God's love has radiated from them. In so many ways, BCC has kept up the Rivers of Life idea of living the 1st C church... And in so many ways, they are also a part of today's community. So thank You, God, for the fantastic people I've met in the most amazing ways in this country. From the African brother who discussed the Bible with me on my first flight into this country, to the family I've made, to the random people who show Jesus even when I moved into Cardiff like M&V. And thank You, that You will help me find that church here too where I will fit in and where I can serve too even in teeny chair-shifting ways ;)

inertia

Of the two, I prefer the inertia of motion to rest... with the former you manage to do stuff like clearing up yr room to a t after you've just typed in a mammoth assignment at 3 o' clock in the morning. That's fine! It - gets - things - done.

Today however I'd probably be quite happy to go gently into this night - the solar/lunar one... Am hating it!!

Lord, maybe if i sleep for half an hour and wake up it will have shaken off me??? It's flippin mind-numbing. God, help! LOL. Pls let it be so... I sleep a half-hr and wake up to find this brain-warp turned around!

so u want me to blog...

Well, I'm here and I'm blogging. With this unnerving compulsion to write. The strange thing is I have no agenda. No specific something to say. What do I do with this familiar feeling? There are moments when I have listened to it and been purged and birthed beauty in the making. There are other moments - these are more frequent, more controlling, uglier - when I have walked away from that sound of longing. But I will write this time. Sound and touch that linger in the present tense of the mind will flow over the plastic keys. Perhaps to be read, perhaps only to be dusted away by the parent. But it will write itself today...

Strange - that you would want something so badly and yet walk away. Perhaps the reluctance is inherent... an unwillingness to make the effort which I know will surely be exhausting. It is the same sort of indolence that accommodates mediocrity. Mediocrity is convenient. That is the damning thing. Paradox of relationships too, as I've probably said before. Also excellence, in my case, will sometimes demand a reaction that is mindless. Something I am not sure I want to dole out! I like to space out my mindlessness, you see.

Voices on the street, a purposelessness different to mine. Mine, for the last week, is a surfeit of time. That is one of those things I believed I would never have occasion to say... Well, I have. But hang on... Why do I keep returning to me? I know I haven't sorted out all of the threads God wove in... but will I ever? Surely from experience, I know, one's self is the most captivating subject for the speaker and the most cloying and unacceptable for the listeners. Crushed garlic in spoonfuls.

Trouble is it's good for you once in a while to unravel yourself... Too many knots spoil the pattern. But that being said, there are much more magnificent obsessions out there to be found... And nothing, not even yourself, beats the original.

free falling

Thank You for letting me fall - "underneath are Your everlasting arms" and it's lovely knowing that! Thank You for letting me fall today and experience the warmth of no condemnation.
Thank You.

introduction to a relationship

Lord I ask forgiveness for the absolute waste of time today… I did nothing
I slept, I dreamt and I cried. Well, there was one little break where I cooked and ate but THAT WAS IT!
When I finally got my arse (ought i to say posterior??) up to do something it was five to time to pray! And I called the home office and it was ten mins after they’d closed. I can’t help but think it was Satan that made a complete waste of a day for me… You live in eternity Lord and all time is Yours, and not one is wasted in Your economy – every minute of us there will be spent in giving You the glory. How I was giving You the glory today – I don’t know!!
Appa just sent me a forward saying hours with God makes minutes with men effective. That if you spend an hour in Your presence, a minute outside will take care of your worrying and pressing problems because of Your direction and guidance. I remember what I did this morning – I was so shocked that I’d woken up late that I read the Bible (in my hazy mind thinking I might as well go to work) and just closed it and said ‘oh hi Lord, good morning, wd u read to me pls… ok thanks’ effectively meaning subject closed now help me get on with everything else. But not in You!! Horribleness :( Seems I’ve just proved the converse effect of Appa’s forward to me today. Don’t spend time with You and nothing of your time on earth to do with men and their concerns is going to go right. Oh, if I’d used the words ‘bye’ or ‘see You later, Lord’ I’m sure I’d have caught myself up on that. I know the jargon well enough – ‘pray continually’ I’d have remembered and come whimpering back to You. But I wasn’t using the jargon, was I? I was just fulfilling it in the worst way possible and was blind to it. Then I was hurting from my pain and instead of rebuking it, I just got hurt abt it! And also instead of seeing it as sthing You were using to bring me back to You – in fact, You did briefly and I was touched by that encounter – I jus used Your advice to overcome the pain. It worked but not for long because now it’s as though the scales have fallen from my eyes and I see that I’ve spent the day running away from You!
Not that I don’t love You or anything like that – I am madly in love with You and love You from the depths of my heart… how can I help it, You’re You and I need You beyond words and I enjoy every minute with You. But I suppose I was too lazy for the heavy stuff! Half the time, I don’t even do it – You do the relationship work and I amen it! How You love me is beyond comprehension… But then that’s the way it should be shouldn’t it? You love someone, it’s forever. Unconditional. The way the world (or most of it) has forgotten :(
And when people like me find You, we have the gall to get used to Your beauty… I’m rambling on not even serving You at this point, it seems. I’m rambling on just to learn something myself… I believe You might be teaching me something here about the way relationships work, about the way people work, about the way Peculiar People work or ought to work… I am so blessed that You can take this moment of inadequacy and turn it into this beautiful revelation. Only You. When all I came here to say was, ‘Sorry… so sorry. I love You. Change me to whom You want me to be’. I am, Lord… really sorry. I thank You really that You’ve shut up my mouth and caused me to write. I know the urge to write and that I can often fight it well enough. But not when You want to teach me and get me to stop and listen, sovereignly. Not then. I can’t fight it and I can’t do without You. I’ve said it before… if I had everything and didn’t have You, it would be worthless. If I had You and nothing else, it would be more than sufficient. And when I want, remind me to think about it and weigh it… You have been and will be more than sufficient, beyond my needs to my heart’s cry. Like now – You knew I needed to hear and listen… and You got me to writing. Cos You knew that I wd be so involved in my horrific wastage and apology, that I would be too loud to hear You today. Perhaps that’s what happened to Zacharias too? Bless him :) Thank You for putting the song in my heart instead of my mouth. Thank You for Your presence. It changes me. You change me. And life is confusing sometimes… It’s hard learning again to not know or strive to know what’s ahead… And yet, it’s so fantastically beautiful learning that… learning to relinquish control. And liberating… not in a way many people understand. Thank You for those that do though, thank You for bringing them my way with their depth of understanding and their communion with Your Spirit. I’m privileged, to be Your little girl. Thank You for the words You’ve whispered to me. For those You haven’t whispered but firmly repeated, because I wasn’t listening. We must be adolescent for a long, long time, God, for You :S So You see, not for the first time in my life, I’ve realised that I can’t survive without praying and reading Your Word… actually make that, I can’t survive without You. And I can’t survive without the fullness of Your presence. I know (and You were listening, Lord) that I was proud of saying that to someone recently, who did not know You and who was surprised to hear my avowal. Forgive me, I’ve learnt my lesson! And for the zillionth time in my life (or more), I’ve realised that Your presence changes me. So I can’t do the daily living thing without You – as living things need to grow (ha, I remember my primary school lessons :D). And I’m sorry I’ve been smug and self-satisfied and even proud of learning to surrender… And I might be on my way to being proud of my confessions – help with that too, as I know You will. It’s funny how I recognize pride in everyone else even in the smallest doses. I don’t always recognize the subtlety of mine before it acts itself out :( But thank You that I have You – help me never to go deaf to You. Dumb’s okay… People can well do without my trash. I can’t do without You and You know it.
Have I told You today Lord that I’m head over heels in love with You and it’s the right way up? Well, I am. I love You, Lord Jesus.