Thursday 22 May 2008

Churchin' It Up

BY THE WAY, if it's not one thing, it's another! Rofl actually! I remember being worried about OU in the beginning and you know what? I fit right in! Not everywhere of course... but I am just that kinky and crazy and quick-tongued and geeky and mad and - okay, I'll say it - tolerant! There are a lot of things I'll accept... however I tend to keep the Bible as my measuring line. That's something OU probably won't do in its entirety.

Now and for the past few months I have been worried about fitting in at RoL... Not just because I'm afraid I won't. Because I don't. And I never expected that to happen at church... THIS is not just an uncomfortable feeling, it hurts. It's the church after all. But I've got into enough trouble telling people about it. And I feel bad now after telling people cos it makes me sound like a saint and I'm not but I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Ah, well. I miss BCC.

In a Mirror Darkly

I'm rambling... so pay attention! When I make mistakes, perhaps I assuage my conscience with the idea that I have learnt so much, and that perhaps God allowed it. But I want never to forget that God's perfect will was not for me to fall. I don't want to think that because I have fallen, I know better than the one that has not. Or that being wrong and then righted is the best way to be...

I think we all do that to each other. We all base our images of each other on whatever makes us most comfortable. Like we do to God too. But not only is God what we see in our mind's eye based on our own image of ourselves, but God is. And being, He is a person in His own right with things outside of those things we perceive in Him. If we limit God to just what we perceive, He is a construct. But He isn't - He is a person! I think that's what Paul meant when he said "in a mirror darkly".

Just like other people are... and reality or our interpretations of reality are not always what fits our theories.

Tuesday 20 May 2008

S'more Growin' Up

God loves me. So. Much. And every time I naively forget, He lets me know in no uncertain terms. Sometimes I forget to let myself be hungry enough for him that it can turn my world upside down and cause me to cry with an inside-pain that fills me with joy.

Having got that outta my system, I am only back after a couple of weeks but it could be a decade judging from at least the amount I think I've grown. I've learnt that within the church we can all be faulty and I've learnt that while I can hold onto the fairy tales and the goodness, not everyone wants to. And that that's OK. Really. I've learnt how some people can be racist - and that it can happen even when they are Christian. I've learnt instead of raging at the injustice, I can laugh at it. I need to rage too - but I need to know that I can make a choice of reactions, and that the choice need not always be the same. I've learnt how people can forget that they've been wrong. I've learnt how I can't always forget that about myself or about others and need to. Mainly about myself. Because when I go to heaven and order two cafe lattes and have that chat with God, it will probably go something like this:

Me: Jesus, you know on the 17th of May, at 11 o' clock...
God: Hang on, which May??
Me: 2008, of course. Well, anyway, you know what I said to Claire that must have really hurt her. I want to explain___
God: (interrupting and laughing pretty thunderously) Subiksha, I have no idea what you're on about!!!

In case, you're wondering - nothing was said that hurt Claire on that date and Claire is one of my best friends atm and I've shared the joke with her. However it is quite likely and easily verifiable that I have done and probably will do pretty damnable things. ANd God has actually chosen to forget all of them. Already.

So yes, I've grown up (although AB insists I grew down!). I didn't want to, and I hope to God I'm not all done yet as I quite like the Disney movies and the naivete. Especially the naivete. It's comforting. Although it's not that pleasant when you're shocked that Indian girls get drunk, Christians smoke, 'friends' can actually get jealous, Christians flirt not-so-harmlessly. Don't get me wrong - I am shocked at all of this and probably excuse it conveniently in myself. But yes, when it's there, the naivete is comforting.

I love you always!!

xxx

PS Hello, amma, BO, SD, Grafx, Ta'fxkz, DA, Skinny, Switchblade, LT and everyone else!!