For AB

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire


I rarely ever quote lyrics from somewhere else... perhaps it's pride. I think 'I write my own love songs to God' and I quote from the Bible. But now and again, a song written by people desperately in love with Jesus.

A long time ago, it seems now, I wrote a post when I was really tired. I'm tired now. And - completely incidentally - sleep-deprived. But I am also tired of ranting. I think I give so much love, sometimes I give more so obviously that it hurts... but I find my levels for myself are so often broken by people who surprise me (amma, AB (you made me think of this in the first place just now), CK, VP). But then you look and you find youI have always known the greatest love of all. It has always been yours. No amount of distraction can take His eyes off you.

But I know also that so often I look away. When Jesus looks at me, He knows I will turn away, be hurt by other things. And then in a heart-rending moment like this He reminds you that nothing and no one can make you laugh or cry like His love can. More fool me that I forget it.

This is not a sad post

It is as if I search for you, but I have lost the way to you. I know I haven't - the way to you is you.

As though I were speaking and speaking of nothing, until I forgot how to listen.

It is as if I am lost because you are lost. And my way to anyone is lost - or I fear that it will be in the brain-warp that I have stupidly created.

I know this moment is of my making and I know these feelings are only premonitions which will be real if I don't let myself be nothing, give completely and wait.

This is emptiness that only you can fill. The deer to water - that's been done. This, this is just me to you. Speak. I'm listening.

I am like any average person. I think relationships don't need work, I think decisions of commitment come heralded - violin concertos and sunbursts. I keep thinking until I remember or stop thinking to listen. You're good at this - you teach me. I just pray I will learn when it happens with others, when we're both learning, and you still teach. That you will not teach to the unteachable, not for too many moments.

Goodnight from Ivor

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I'm sitting here with Ivor, the cat, warmly stretched out on my denim-clad legs that are easy to ever so slightly dig into with his claws. This is good. Oh, he's purring so loudly... and the mug of hot chocolate in my hands is perfect. Mmmmmm I have had a chocolate overload today... Ivor's kicked off my hot bottle but who cares - the cat is warm.

It has been some time since I unwound this way. Sleep is not always unwinding :/ Just relaxing, without a deadline and without a specific academic or job-related task, is a good break now! I've had a good day. Lots of laughs, lots of chocolate, more worship music.

No, Ivor says, if you aren't going to give me all the attention (oooohhhh look, the big softie's going all gooey-eyed and doing his little silly face now as I stroke the fellow:O) I'm outta here. Nope, can't have that - warm cat definitely better than laptop - but just to tell you I am loving this moment of cat, hot chocolate and leisurely browsing in the quiet peace of the night - even the local pub is shut which is good.

God bless you all and goodnight

xx

How I gatecrashed a wedding

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Hmmm S & P's wedding on Saturday was glorious. It was such a great witness to all the people that had come. S's family were all Hindu, and of course, Indian. Most of them were, at least, except for VP, MP and her mum and brother (and all of them Indian origin except for MP!). I shall write about God's full circle in my life soon. But for now let's focus on how gorgeous S was, and her little bridesmaid, R! Let's, of course, also focus on the whole wedding, my role in it (as I'm so erm important and it was flippin' hilarious, after the initial embarrassment!) and the little stories that go with a wedding.

Let me say the service was sufficiently weepy (lol) but more importantly, the presence of God was definitely tangible. They made it very clear it was a Christian wedding so that everyone who came was exposed to worship and the Christian basis for marriage. Pastor Chris also gave them an insight into why a relationship with Jesus is fundamental for any relationship, especially the most sacred on earth, to work:) One thing that has always struck me is the fact that in India we never sang 'In Christ alone'. I love that song. Tis beautiful ;) Another thing I appreciate about pentecostal weddings (I am not being denominational, it's just something missing in some other denominations) is that the bride and groom have communion together. That's something so essential as one of our Christian covenant symbols. It is a symbol - I'll agree before you hit me with that - but it is the symbol of a covenant.

Well, after that lovely worship and he kissed the bride (studio audience: siiiiigghhhhh, awwwwwwww), I was asked by MP if I wasn't coming to the hotel and that he would see me there. Now... let's get serious. You are all dying to hear (I hope ambitiously!) about my mortal embarrassment. Tis a good laugh, so you shall hear it. Because I'm soooo nice, I don't mind being a complete idiot! Which I most certainly was that day! Ah well, like V said, God knew what He was doing. But then again, like I said, yes but S didn't!

So I said of course I was to MP. Now S had told me the previous week to make sure I got a lift to the hotel in the evening. And I assumed they were fantastically generous even if I had only known them for three months max. Since I'd definitely been invited to the hen night, I thought it was normal for the British too to invite you to their wedding parties. In India, you are just invited to it all, on the wedding day usually. I knew there was a big do at the hotel and had heard all the details of it and it had been planned for months! So to make space for one was, I knew, quite a big thing. I also knew I was only invited for the evening. What I didn't know was that between the evening and the afternoon, there was something for a select few normally, both at the hotel! I might have guessed had it not led so naturally to my gate-crashing that it caught me completely without suspicion! LOL

So I went up to D as asked and requested a lift. A sari is not very bussable! Not at all, with a thick winter coat on! She then told me that she was not, in fact, going to the hotel. She was just going to an afternoon tea and cakes at the bay with a friend. But she knew just who might be able to help and she sorted it all out and left me with a lovely couple and their very plush Jaguar. In fact, it just might have been this year's. If it was last year, it was a later one in last year's models. I know from M & VP ;O They were so kind and we had fun. They then told me that they were going to P & J's for tea before the hotel (ah, the elusive hotel!) and they wouldn't hear of my not coming. Neither would P. I apologised properly for inviting myself (well, at least I wasn't invited directly by the hostess!) and then on the way there, tentatively asked R & J, the couple who were giving me a ride, what time the reception was. They said "Oh... you mean the food... Oh that won't happen till at least a quarter to six! We've got plenty of time. But she did say there was a surprise so we shouldn't be too late".

Now in my limited vocabulary as an English teacher six-ish constitutes evening. As it turned out, it was even later than six. But THAT is how I gatecrashed a wedding. I didn't realise. I even sat at a place meant for someone else! How fantastic was that! There was just one person who couldn't make it, and he was even at M & VP's table! I mean I was at M&VP's table, LOL. I thought they had decided that he wasn't going to come so they could invite me!

It only dawned on me with horrible, slow inevitability when people started coming in later for the barn dance and sandwiches! And since V and I were then engaged in an involved discussion of the hilarious-excruciating (depending on perspective - V's or mine:O) circumstances, the photographer thought it was a Kodak moment. I was even photographed in my most embarrassing moment! LOL

LOL LOL LOL

But the wedding was spectacular. The bride and the groom landed in a helicopter! The view of Cardiff was breathtaking from the hotel. The meal was sumptuous and the cake deserves a mention - a white chocolate, strawberry cream-filled profiterole mountain that the happy couple slashed at with a large fencing-style sword! MMMmmmmm. It was a roast dinner and a five course meal. VP looked lovely too. R had her natural curls and tints, in a half-up, half-down do. She looked stunning. S of course topped the day. It was a two-piece sequinned lavender-white bridal ghagra choli, that looked sufficiently combined enough for S. And the marquee was fantastically detailed. I was too tired to dance but thankfully the embarrassment was late enough and not mortal enough to prevent an enjoyment of the wonderful Saturday.

S&P went off to Cornwall and are enjoying their brief stint there. Their real honeymoon's in May when they're going on a cruise - it's Alaska or bust!

Pas Chris told the church of their courtship. Some of it I know. But CD, when she prayed for S, mentioned their faithfulness to each other. P has been asking her every year to marry him. They started together SIXTEEN years ago! And every year, when P asked, S always said she did not see why as she was perfectly content as she was and wanted nothing more. Poor P did, of course :). But how absolutely gorgeous of them! But last year, when S went to Barcelona she sent P a card that made him keel over in shock. The card read 'To my fiance'. A phone call later ('Really, S?') and the rest is history. She is so blessed to have found and waited for that kind of love and faithfulness. They had very interesting toasts about their childhood too. They are indeed a special couple.

Way to go, S&P.

Psalm 126

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He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him. Ps 126:6

Thanks to amma for pointing this Psalm out to me today... If I could only put into writing the JOY that is contained in those lines, and the emotion. But David did a good job anyway(as he was hearing from the Lord) if you follow the link on this blog's title. The burst of joy and comfort that I, as a reader, experience, applied to my situation in the here and now, is led up to by the whole psalm. It's a dancing, singing, crying, laughing kind of happiness... the kind that gushes out into overflow because it has been welled up and waiting for release for so long. Captivity has lasted too long. It has the assurance of release too. The confidence of... faith.

When I was little, we used to live in a house that needed us to pump water out into a bucket for daily use. The pump was rusty and rickety. It creaked every time you plied its heavy iron handle. To make our work more effective - or even just more satisfying - we came up with a plan. Someone would stop the opening with their palm and the other person would pump with all their might. It was more effective - it saved time lost waiting for every insignificant trickle. The pressure, of course, made the release so much more.

That's the kind of joy that this verse reminds you of - like rushing water at the end of a blocked spout. Don't give up on waiting :)

Love ya

pilgrim

PS This verse also brought to my mind MP and VP and my appa and amma. That they are so blessed. Their story shall be told etc ;)

Journal entry

It was funny today. I'm afraid this is not really gonna be a soul-searcher ;O
Well, at least I think not :O
The day was quite amazing:
1. MP called me and said, hey when u going to work?? And I said well abt ten I need to be there. So he decided he'd meet me at a quarter to because he wanted to give me something. i asked if it was post and he laughed and said no, he'd forgotten to bring it. The 'something' turned out to be a mobile phone!! With a SIM card and package. It's 3G which means I can use it in this country... but I mean it's just so fantastic. i was only recently talking about the amazing way in which I've seen the love of the church in action - AMAZING. How did I react - i was jus quiet n thankful n slightly unbelievin (are you sure abt this M??).
2. Had a very tiring day. N, a student who tends to have that effect on me, was in all day. Started on about what's in the Qu'ran etc I mean he never listens to what I'm trying to teach - sometimes I can only get a couple of syllables in, AND he will start off on his own tangent and a few minutes in of trying to keep my dignity, I realise he doesn't have to be saying all this in connection with the meaning of the word 'myth' or 'quiz' or 'jump'. Lord, I rest my case!!!
3. Got a tenner more'n I thought. But also doing an hour and a half more'n i thought which doesn't even up but hey... (no, I'm not crazy)
4. Free bread... by Hovis. They must have come up with this idea because perhaps they figured if everyone tried their bread, they would simply know it was good. In a few minutes everyone on Queen Street, and on the bus home had blue and yellow paper-wrapped loaves of bread in their willing hands and smiles on their faces! It made me think of Tommy Tenney's 'The God Chasers'. Is there bread in the house? People who are really hungry will take of it as much as they want. I was embarrassed to take more than one loaf and then I saw a family - they just helped themselves, not in the least in a pretentious manner. I took another loaf. Everyone did in the end. Are we ashamed of hungering for the other kind of bread? Should we be standing on metaphorical street corners and giving as freely as we have received? Because if everyone simply tries ours, they will know He is good.
5. Thought I was not going to Bible study. Was miffed because I couldn't take the bus as I couldn't find Maelog Close (it doesn't exist; Maelog Place and Road do, in different postcodes). And James had not replied to my text of takin up his offer of a list. Imagine my surprise when G knocked on the door?? Unbrushed hair, work clothes... poor G, I even forgot to say 'come in'. Had to run back n say it! But the offer of a sit-down-make-yrself-welcome is now eternally lost ;) (or maybe not, considerin the discussion we had!)
6. Bible study was fantastic. We started off with carbonara and special strawberry yoghurt cheesecake! Then we discussed Revelation. I was a bit doubtful when JCa started last week, but having prayed and decided to go to this one too... I loved it. I mean there were times when JCa said it is meant for the now, symbolism, etc. But I got the courage to say, with another lady, that it is on a literal level too as there are many levels and there is no need to limit it either way! And it got into quite a heated conversation - as Gary says we don't actually go to heaven, God comes to earth... But it doesn't matter and none of us understood why he was so hung up on it, but it still made a great debate. Personally I don't see that it says God will come down to earth either. It just says God spends eternity with us (how incredibly hugged that makes me feel :D) Love You, Lord (did I say? ;))
7. Now I've just had a lovely conversation on Orkut. And a cheery panad with a coupla friends on MSN.
Thank You for today, Lord!! And thanks for puttin it in perspective at the end of the day!! Woohoo :D

riding on aslan :D

I found a church near where I live today... It was good - the worship could have been more focussed... The team was great, but... perhaps that's why you shouldn't be lettin what's around you in... It's called Glenwood Church Centre. The word was about engaging with the Word... letting it change you. Today and on March 25th, churches around the world will sing Amazing Grace. We are celebrating the abolition of slavery... but one of the things that shocked me that the pastor said was that the slave trade exists. Today. A number of Chinese illegal immigrants were press ganged and brought here to collect bags of cockles in Morecambe Bay for a fiver a bag. They are kept in unsanitary conditions and one night when they were working, a wave swept them in. The man whose story made it out made a last phone call to his wife. His recorded words were "Sinking water sinking water Many many sinking water". He was never heard from or of again. We have no photograph of him. His wife in China alone would remember his face.

This was a weepy sorta sermon for me... Huh, news! But they showed pictures of the church's involvement with people in Burkina Faso and there was this crunching, twisting feeling inside... I am not being melodramatic... But it's not new to me. However, I pray that some day I will have the courage to get up and say I want to be involved. I am usually happier making the tea and coffee and shifting the chairs... But worship is something that I have grown into, and love doing. And over the last couple of years, the Lord's removed the embarrassment of inadequacy. So yes, I am inadequate, and yes, my voice might break in the most horrible way suddenly in the middle of a song (that is not experience, that's a flippin nightmare:D) - but God wants a joyful noise anyway and if He chooses to put me there, He'll take care of everything - voice, noise and nightmares. LOL. It took me sometime to realise that it really is all about Him. I would have agreed instantly if anyone'd asked me if it was - but to make it real and subsume it into my consciousness... well, it took God to do that I suppose :) And I'm still so blessed by it. I am grateful though that when the Lord actually tells me something, however insignificant I feel about it, I must do it or be restless and unhappy. I do it because I fear not doing it. I also do it because I know I will love doing it. And because I know anywhere outside of God's perfect will - particularly, when He has made it known - will never be home to me, or indeed to anyone whom He has set upon!

I do miss BCC. The intimacy of worship and the fellowship I've experienced there. They taught me what it is to really be a part of God's family. Unlike anywhere else... BCC, Ga, MP and VP... Their story must be told too. I'll never know how I have helped there - there must be some small way just because nothing is wasted in the economy of God :) (that's Morgan's line btw). But God bless them for being a part of my life. Strangely enough, I actually mean that. They have been more of a family to me than people I have grown up with. And I do not mean my own family at this point. But they are so precious because of the way God's love has radiated from them. In so many ways, BCC has kept up the Rivers of Life idea of living the 1st C church... And in so many ways, they are also a part of today's community. So thank You, God, for the fantastic people I've met in the most amazing ways in this country. From the African brother who discussed the Bible with me on my first flight into this country, to the family I've made, to the random people who show Jesus even when I moved into Cardiff like M&V. And thank You, that You will help me find that church here too where I will fit in and where I can serve too even in teeny chair-shifting ways ;)