Luuurrrve

God is simply sooooo ace! I break his stuff and his heart and get to climb back on his lap by the end of the day. I'm challenged by the forgiveness I need to show in return.

In reference to my last post - I am back. ~Unfortunately I have this habit of measuring my distance to God - stupid, because He is infinitely holy.

Been listening to 'Mi primer amor' by MArcos Witt. And it's made me think - I'm glad no one ever really had a chance at that in my life. Ten was pretty young to fall head over heels in love and I am glad it was with the right person! Not that that made life hunky-dory afterwards... I make my fair share of messes. And my testimony does not end with the day I was saved - it probably only begins there. Salvation is the end of the beginning, I s'pose.

Picking up the pieces

Broke God's heart today. Not for the first time. Did something I've done once before in my life - just one afternoon of reading romantic fiction... And my bloodthirst for a story led me on to the end but unfortunately one of the links wasn't particularly romantic. So I read completely God-dishonouring stories today. I need to check into the local library to save my fiction-hunger. I knew it was wrong, I guess. There is the Song of Solomon but that should be enough! I am not proud of today - wasted my time and read crap. The two are intertwined. I would be all for reading good fiction any day.

It's funny. As soon as I knew that I'd left God's presence and it shook me up, instead of letting my heart be broken and facing what's worse - that I'd hurt him - I took to bartering. I was thinking dismally that without God's intimate presence, my poetry wasn't going to work. That there may be far-reaching consequences. And my first thought: God, take it; take the poetry... just don't take yourself away. In itself it wasn't a bad thing, I suppose. But sometimes you want to give something up so by beating yourself up, you save on the real pain. The real pain is that you hurt God. Kneeling on cold stone floors or paying absolution money doesn't cut it anymore... you know? He wrote the whole payment chapter. And signed it.

I want to be back, again. I don't want to wait for a far-reaching consequence. I'd rather have the consequences and get back in his presence quicker. But the two don't go together, I'm learning. And as much as that scares me, it also reassures me.

You break his heart, and still only he can pick up the pieces of yours!

Today, I had the best meeting ever with my supervisors... With both of them in the room, EP is very quiet and DC is ... well, abrasive, sometimes. For the first time, DC said 'you can' without any qualifiers and without the noticeable lack of a smile...

And it came after I decided it didn't matter. Doing well is a good thing - right? God wants it for you? But what if it grows to block the way? I said to God that I didn't want my concepts of glory and 'success' standing in the way, and while I wanted this DPhil, I was surrendering everything to His glory, without any disclaimers. And I really gave up my idea of doing well, not in a way that lacked faith but in a way that wanted to hold nothing back.

It wasn't a go-away-and-have-nothing-to-do meeting. There's a lot to do and work up to within a short time.

But I am humbled and happy.