Broke God's heart today. Not for the first time. Did something I've done once before in my life - just one afternoon of reading romantic fiction... And my bloodthirst for a story led me on to the end but unfortunately one of the links wasn't particularly romantic. So I read completely God-dishonouring stories today. I need to check into the local library to save my fiction-hunger. I knew it was wrong, I guess. There is the Song of Solomon but that should be enough! I am not proud of today - wasted my time and read crap. The two are intertwined. I would be all for reading good fiction any day.
It's funny. As soon as I knew that I'd left God's presence and it shook me up, instead of letting my heart be broken and facing what's worse - that I'd hurt him - I took to bartering. I was thinking dismally that without God's intimate presence, my poetry wasn't going to work. That there may be far-reaching consequences. And my first thought: God, take it; take the poetry... just don't take yourself away. In itself it wasn't a bad thing, I suppose. But sometimes you want to give something up so by beating yourself up, you save on the real pain. The real pain is that you hurt God. Kneeling on cold stone floors or paying absolution money doesn't cut it anymore... you know? He wrote the whole payment chapter. And signed it.
I want to be back, again. I don't want to wait for a far-reaching consequence. I'd rather have the consequences and get back in his presence quicker. But the two don't go together, I'm learning. And as much as that scares me, it also reassures me.
You break his heart, and still only he can pick up the pieces of yours!
Friday 21 November 2008
Picking up the pieces
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you know... I break God's heart a thousand times a day. im not proud of it. and im an avid book reader too. i have tried hard over the years. i used to the usual " mills and boon" in college and i never for once realised that that was soft porn. its only when i came here, became a little shook up about what the commands of Christ are and what are our responsibilities and that we are a new creation after we are saved that i realised what the things i thought were harmless was Satan's way of desensitizing me.
Thank God He forgives countless number of times. He knows our progress. and if we falter He is there to pick us up.
Chin up for Christ!
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