The trouble is I am fine at Uni now, and with most other things. Just that church has never been hard work. But I know - for now and for however long now might extend to - God wants me here and I am happy! Actually.

And I'm so grateful for all my wonderful friends like SD, LT, BO and ST.

I am tired.

I can't believe how much this hurts. I am in a place with three other lovely girls, and we share so much of our lives together. But I am so much of an outsider, it hurts like hell.

And sometimes they - well, not all of them - so completely take what they need. Whereas I would always think if I wanted something: 'No, maybe someone else wants the same thing or someone else wants something that my choice might disrupt.' I am tired of being that way - I don't know how Jesus did it. But perhaps that's not exactly what he did. But the trouble is both at home and at Uni I am not used to taking what I want!! I don't throw my weight around - and I am tired of people accepting that. That if I don't say I deserve so much, I don't get it. I am tired of considering others better than myself - and the others accept it! I am tired of effacing myself and others helping me with it.

And here I am weeping buckets - just because I don't think I am fantastic, why should no one else seem to think it? I know the logic's amusing... lol. But does it hurt or what?! Because my ideas get taken and cut around someone else's tastes. Because other people's ideas and ways of doing things are so much better to still other people. I think it's a long time since I've been this left out.

Heck - I've never really been left out anywhere else, and I hate it when I think other people are being left out. And church used to be my comfort place. And for all I'm worth I have no idea why God wants me to stay here. This is no one's fault. But it's there - and it hurts like a bleeding thumb rubbed with chilli powder under scalding water.

Iknow it's coming

I feel like I'm searching for something with God, with my friends and family, with my life... something huge and impending that when it comes will eclipse every other interest in my life. Something that will stay within the constant of my Maker. Yet it will take me deeper into the beautiful shared knowledge of a secret gift, like a joke shared under a night sky.

Grafx's latest blog post was in keeping with the theme, methinks. On first reading it, of course I went 'Pfft can this be more depressing?' in a Chandler-Bing-sorta-way... But notwithstanding, I have the same sort of alone-ness without the problem of British people lacking warmth. Many people would vouch for the stiff upper lip and all that - I might, but I have also found a few fantastic friends here. Given different cultures all have a 'strange' quality to them - probably why I am so quick to dismiss any action of mine as weird and say I'm Indian. I rule in sarciness.

Already I can see it even here - me at my cynical best and always laughing at myself. From this blog you would probably never guess that I am the most pleased of all to be the class clown, as long as people laugh. Thinking about myself and analysing myself makes me broody, lol! I have been talking to one of my best friends since college all afternoon and I suppose that may have helped...

It has been a fantastic week. Two meetings with my supervisor. Took the train down to Cardiff to the department where I work, even now as a consultant. God's abundance there never fails to amaze me. Well, had an interview and aced it, and starting the job on Monday. Lot of work, analysis-wise, and better relationships with my supervisors. My days have been pretty amazing, perfectly crafted you could even say...

But it's the end of a long day without much academic work but tiring nonetheless and I have a headache. And I miss my mum and I miss my aunts and I miss my dad, and I wish I could actually make real friends here... IN this city, IN my college, IN my department.... not everywhere else. But that's not even why I'm feeling iffy - my favourite word when I feel this way. It's because I long so much for that secret gift I know I have coming. Maybe I just need to go up to my room.

Maybe also I'm just another girl.