I am tired.

I can't believe how much this hurts. I am in a place with three other lovely girls, and we share so much of our lives together. But I am so much of an outsider, it hurts like hell.

And sometimes they - well, not all of them - so completely take what they need. Whereas I would always think if I wanted something: 'No, maybe someone else wants the same thing or someone else wants something that my choice might disrupt.' I am tired of being that way - I don't know how Jesus did it. But perhaps that's not exactly what he did. But the trouble is both at home and at Uni I am not used to taking what I want!! I don't throw my weight around - and I am tired of people accepting that. That if I don't say I deserve so much, I don't get it. I am tired of considering others better than myself - and the others accept it! I am tired of effacing myself and others helping me with it.

And here I am weeping buckets - just because I don't think I am fantastic, why should no one else seem to think it? I know the logic's amusing... lol. But does it hurt or what?! Because my ideas get taken and cut around someone else's tastes. Because other people's ideas and ways of doing things are so much better to still other people. I think it's a long time since I've been this left out.

Heck - I've never really been left out anywhere else, and I hate it when I think other people are being left out. And church used to be my comfort place. And for all I'm worth I have no idea why God wants me to stay here. This is no one's fault. But it's there - and it hurts like a bleeding thumb rubbed with chilli powder under scalding water.