For AB

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire


I rarely ever quote lyrics from somewhere else... perhaps it's pride. I think 'I write my own love songs to God' and I quote from the Bible. But now and again, a song written by people desperately in love with Jesus.

A long time ago, it seems now, I wrote a post when I was really tired. I'm tired now. And - completely incidentally - sleep-deprived. But I am also tired of ranting. I think I give so much love, sometimes I give more so obviously that it hurts... but I find my levels for myself are so often broken by people who surprise me (amma, AB (you made me think of this in the first place just now), CK, VP). But then you look and you find youI have always known the greatest love of all. It has always been yours. No amount of distraction can take His eyes off you.

But I know also that so often I look away. When Jesus looks at me, He knows I will turn away, be hurt by other things. And then in a heart-rending moment like this He reminds you that nothing and no one can make you laugh or cry like His love can. More fool me that I forget it.

This is not a sad post

It is as if I search for you, but I have lost the way to you. I know I haven't - the way to you is you.

As though I were speaking and speaking of nothing, until I forgot how to listen.

It is as if I am lost because you are lost. And my way to anyone is lost - or I fear that it will be in the brain-warp that I have stupidly created.

I know this moment is of my making and I know these feelings are only premonitions which will be real if I don't let myself be nothing, give completely and wait.

This is emptiness that only you can fill. The deer to water - that's been done. This, this is just me to you. Speak. I'm listening.

I am like any average person. I think relationships don't need work, I think decisions of commitment come heralded - violin concertos and sunbursts. I keep thinking until I remember or stop thinking to listen. You're good at this - you teach me. I just pray I will learn when it happens with others, when we're both learning, and you still teach. That you will not teach to the unteachable, not for too many moments.

Randomness

Hmmm, why on earth would you listen to 'Ahuh, uh huh (good girl gone bad)' to make you feel better?? I mean why?

AB's having a bad case of nearly love again. AB's a darling.

Beautiful weather. There is absolutely nothing unlovely about rain. Or clouds.

I just might change to a new blogspot for complete anonymity. Just might be fun, seeing how people find me then or joining blogrolls and the like. Besides anonymity is necessary for a confession box - which is why I've never understood the parish priest's role... I mean look what happened in Zorro ;)

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Dunamis

I think it must be a largely Indian thing to favour PG Wodehouse - few of the non-Indian members of my acquaintance do...

God has been doing quite a few things in my life lately. Tomorrow will be 12 years since I accepted Jesus as Lord - AND Saviour - and said Welcome, Holy Spirit... And how gorgeous and exciting that feels, and still promises to be is something words fail me for...

I read this thing from a friend - and it quoted 2 Corinthians 12:9.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

But it brought home to my mind the fact that the Greek word used for 'strength' there is actually dunamis - dynamite, of course. Wow! So I'm this weak, confused, insecure little thing one moment - but I ask God's power in, allow it to work and wham! I'm a force to reckon with. One little power-package! It's not just a quiet strength, it's explosive. Don't get me wrong - the quiet confidence speaks volumes more than the striving, point-proving argument... But if it is a quiet strength - in the midst of all your troubles and your decisions, in the midst of that
'whelming flood'
of yours - you know that there is a potential shell-shocking, earth-shaking explosion in it, for just when you need it.

I also read Psalm 119:25 -32 and it hit home as the Bible always does. Thought I'd share it with you.

I have been faced with many decisions lately - I need a whole train-load of wisdom for all of them. They all seem so inter-twined too. I also need to get a few needless worries out of my head ;) Thanks, BO, SD and AB for your prayers. Keep at it. God gives us the best always - I need to be able to listen - VERY carefully - and obey.

Love and prayers all,

pilgrim

Mother's Day

More than a week ago, a friend commented that in one of my blogs I was describing the-mother-of-the-century kind of person but her character was lost in my style of rambling ;O I'd like to say thanks for picking that up - I didn't even know I was writing it, LOL.

Well, my mother may not be the mum-of-the-century (in fact, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to be that iconic, LOL) but she is quite fantastic and she's definitely my mum-of-the-century! For all you competitive types out there (I have one specific person in mind who is bugging me on MSN now and will probably not read this blog anyway!) - please note that I am sure all your mums are fantastic, that's what mums do. But this is my space to abuse ;)

Now I've been meaning to write this for ages but have always known that it would be an exhaustive subject... my mum. I shall try and spare her as many blushes as possible. And no, she's not perfect, but she's got me for a daughter... and bringing me up must have been quite a task!

Amma's always been one of my best friends after God. Some times more than others. There have been times when I have cried and sobbed because she didn't understand - I would not have sobbed had anyone else not understood! There have been other times when I have wished I could tell her something because I know she will find it amusing too - very few people I know think like that about their mothers... It's usually some special friends... Well, when I have those moments I tell God and laugh, and then wish I had amma, AB or LT to share it with... JR and GJ too often.

It's Mother's Day today and I haven't got a card for her because I've already bought her a birthday card this month combined with Mother's Day wishes and all of this is flippin' expensive to buy and send! But I also can't manage to find quite the right size. I will call later on but there will be nothing much to say and yet we can keep talking - because we have said it all and she knows the details of my life without asking for them! That is the cause of most of my bear-ishness... I realise I have told her all the details and she forgets a few... Of course they are too many and too convoluted in my head for anyone to remember, lol - but I have never been very logical I'm afraid. Just ask ER ;O

I am so blessed to have a mother who is a friend. I think in some ways it makes some of us different. Growing up without siblings, with a mother many years older than I, with the most amazing sense of fun; being treated as her confidante once in a while; more often than not being allowed to argue like a brat until my father decided to enter the fray - a lot of it has gone into making me the person I am. That explains some of my quirkiness too;) But in so many ways I have wished I could have her steady faith - something I am so blessed to see in action and hear about its growth too.

When I was sixteen or seventeen, my American cousin and her kids came over to stay for a couple of months at ours. It was fantastic. Interesting too - little D would wake up at an unearthly hour in the morning, stick a Coke can in his mouth and walk around until someone switched on the games for him. Later as the fancy took him he'd help himself to sweetcorn or carrots and carry on gaming or pretending Power Rangers with me. I was his heroine because I could play Super Mario :O LOL. Little L was always very interesting to talk to - she was then just beginning to be a big spieler - and she could handle spice! They are both two of the most adorable kids. But KD, my cousin, asked me a question which I found strange but have always remembered because of her reaction. She asked if I ever found... found... And I broke in "What, if I ever had a boyfriend?" K said "Yeah, would you tell your mom" (I told you she's American;O). I simply said "Yeah, of course I'd tell her." I thought it was a bit of a silly question really, and put it down to K's ideas of Indianness maybe borrowed from her parents' post-exilic zeal, or just generally K's removed-ness from India, etc. But K quickly asked my mother if she'd heard me say that. And did she realise what a compliment it was? K was paralleling her own mum and her - they have a great relationship too - but it was what led to this conversation. And my mum said she did and gave me a hug... Hmmm, the now ME would not be very happy about the term 'boyfriend'. The now ME is not very happy about my adoption of the term there when K was sincerely looking for one even! But the now ME would still tell amma - and lets amma read my blog.

But telling amma about whether or not I've found someone is not really such a big issue - well, it has never been probably because it's been 'not', LOL. It's those times when I realise I'm growing up, am a bit more 'independent' (overrated word!), and maybe think differently from a few things I am used to... Those times I realise how very formative my mum has been (both my parents indeed, but mostly my mum in that area)... and I know where I differ because they are few and far between relatively. I may have done a lot of growing up recently but I realise my amma's still a friend and a mother and that's saying a lot. Never mind that I find the clucking mother-hen times annoying, or the best-friend hugs sparse now... I can still say that, and I am blessed :)

Testimony

There is something I have been longing to testify about for a few days now - I knew I would write about it when it was over... But how!

Five days ago I was yakking away to my long-suffering mother as usual. And she was worrying about my passport not being with me. I (being my obnoxious self) was, of course, highly irate at her worrying and annoyed about her not being able to see why there was nothing to worry about. I still think so. If the Home Office has my passport, it's in the next best place to be (after my keeping, that is)! But what I didn't know then and was brought to my notice a few uncanny moments after my conversation with my mum was that my old house mate had indeed had a delivery for me and missed it. What was even worse was that it had arrived the previous week. RM (whom I've blogged about on y360 before) is lovely and nearly as blonde as I am ;O And the moment her text about the time of its arrival got me, panic didn't just set in, it avalanched in! But RM wouldn't answer when she was able to pick it up. Her answers consisted of 'Claim your peace, girl. God is in control. He has never let you down so far, has He?' The truest words she could have said and although in some ways they annoyed me no end - it was the only thing I could hold on to. Because you see the one thing that was staring me in the face at that moment of (I hate to admit it) fear was that if that letter had had a 'no' in it, I might well be illegal having missed a few days of warning, had there ever been one! Now I don't know how rational that is or how likely or how much time the H O allow when a passport is returned without a visa - but that was what I was feeling.

There followed an evening of complete madness. I actually was sick (literally :( ). Running around like a headless chicken, from chocolate to ice-cream to toilet to pillow to toilet was not really helping either. I could not call my mother lest she panic and worry again. But I emailed her saying I was sorry but that this was the status quo... I knew in my heart that what I really needed to do was sit down on my bed and quieten down. Pray and then wait for God to put His arms around me. I am sure it would have happened had I chosen to do that. Yeah, I was talking to You, Lord, all the time but I was not really happy to listen or to do the looking-in-Your-eyes-kind-of-talking... But what you, reader, must understand is that if I sat down in that quiet I would have had to face my fear and be reduced to a blubbering idiot ;O

So inevitably I went online looking for what I think of as healthy distraction... completely unrelated jabber! What happened there was surreal. Lord, You knew I wasn't able to prepare myself for the direct hugs I've had in the past... You're just fantastic and I can't say that enough! Well, I went online and a friend said hello... Someone whom (does anyone use the relative object pronoun anymore apart from in India?) I had lost touch with. We were delighted to be back in touch and it was great being distracted. There were none of my usual, everyday friends online. Which was good - as I didn't want to explain. There was another person (friend perhaps) whom I have only ever chatted to online - a friend of a friend, don't worry your pretty heads too much, people! It was a desultory monosyllabic-ish wall-posting conversation. But something prompted me to ask him to pray. Perhaps the idea that, because the conversation was desultory, he may not have the time to ask me what about and just pray for my panic. I also asked a couple of others to pray. Lord, I thought that would suit me fine! But God had wonderfully different ideas. Get this! - in fact, I believe the living Lord is quickening to me right now a verse that I can apply to the rest of my life as well - I was looking on http://www.biblegateway.com/ for the verse I needed which was
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
And that was the verse of the day! I know it sounds like a small coincidence but it's not. It's one of His little ways that make you feel special because you really are, in Him. And for those not-so-surers, you can bet your last breath that God is definitely alive and interested! LOL
Ah well, Lord, I can only say it again - You're fantastic.

Anyway back to the story - my dear, patient whoever-is-reading-this - this person online did ask in due course what was up. I started out saying I didn't want to talk about it. But that felt rude as I'd asked for prayer anyway and when you're online and they can't see your face, friends don't always recognise that the expression is trepidation or weariness and not callousness... I'm quite sure this friend may have been a lot more perceptive (as he seems to be) but I ended up telling the story anyway! He listened and prayed a lovely prayer. And it worked. But just when I was telling my tale, the hurt sort of welled up... and that was when I got my special hug. SV, a girl from school, whom I haven't been in touch with since... well, since school... suddenly wrote to me. She said 'Pilgrim, are you free now? I really want to speak to you now.' Because my blog is called Confessions and Ramblings I will say that my immediate reaction was 'Lord! Not another repeat of being someone's confession-box. Surely You don't want that of me now?' Yes, I cringed even as I heard myself think that. But I thought it. There have been some weeks when it has been non-stop... this being a confession-box. I love it. It makes me feel valued and special and like God has a point in putting us together as friends (or, as has happened often, acquaintances!). Friends who are reading this and are like me - do NOT immediately put yourself in that category. You are friends. Much more importantly, God, please don't stop. However, I thought I was too tired for it. Even more honestly I was too full of myself. My fears and my worries. Writing it down here will help me remember my idiotishness, Lord. Thank You.

But I picked myself up, dusted off my ugly moment, and said hello back. I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say because it has been years! Perhaps five or six! Her email said this :

hey ..JESUS has always had an impact in my life...but after i came to X i went for a worship prayer in my school..on campus church...i was filled wid tears..all my X friends strong christians ..told me that i got saved..after that i loved Jesus....im going crazy over HIM..im an hindu basically...but now i love only JEsus!!he has saved me and im goin to go to HEAVEN!!..IM SO EXCITED!i got saved on jan7 and i got baptized on feb21..im soo happy nowadays not feeling lonely in X ..feel gr8..GODS wid me!!im soo happy..i just wanted to tell u..something told me to tell u!!i just wanted to share my exp wid u!! HOLY SPIRIT IS WITH ME!doing wonderful things in ME....PRAISE THE LORD!!!

That is a nearly verbatim quote. It was one of my warmest hugs in a long time. Not all my hugs have been metaphorical ;O but now I know when Jesus wants something done He'll do it His way cos ya win ;) I was then crying and I told AB (not the boots, family and teeth one) online and I wrote back to SV. It was at the exact same moment when I sat there, snivelling and trying not to let my voice break so the family outside would notice, that SV's message popped up on the corner of my screen. She kept saying she didn't know what it was that made it clear to her it was me and not one of her other 130 friends on that site. I kept saying to her that she would never know just how much that moment meant to me. Maybe some day I will write out (meaning write forth) its joy. But for now, it just makes me cry. And in that moment, it just sent my worries out the window and blessed me abundantly. Thank God for the gift of hearing Him and listening to and for Him.

RM then text back saying she would get my post after work. In my panic, however, I had given the wrong postcode for the wrong address. I did not realise until the next morning. That was like a wind-snatching blow in my tum! My father - bless him - decided to call and give me advice on writing official complaints out and going to the post office. It was not well-timed when I was rushing against time! In the end, i just convinced my parents that surely, if I didn't think of it myself (Lord, why must I sound like a teenager in these situations!), the post office was able to advise me better than they were from there! But I just prayed and set off. I am foolish - because even then I was about to give up and cry. But I had been able to surrender it and say 'Lord, whatever losses, financial and otherwise, I submit them to You. You can have it the way You want it because given a choice I wouldn't have it any other way'. I meant it.

That morning, three post offices and several aborted phone calls later, I showed up for work. And prayed for the impossible. But you see, I was praying to the God of the impossible.

Amazingly, the pack arrived at work just where I was when the first mail for the day came in! Despite wrong postcodes, physical panic attacks, my obnoxiousness, thickness and because of people's willingness to pray, my being able to submit (finally!) and God's amazingness. The visa was granted. The issue was never the visa - but the delay and I never wanted to break the law. God saw that I didn't. That's my new insight into the righteousness that comes by faith ;O Lol. Sometimes you say 'Lord, that just may be too close!' But God works in stuff like that. He knew I would panic and He knew I could go no further down than where I was, in His everlasting arms, when He pulled that last rug from under my feet - the misdirected mail. (Deut 33:26-29). I haven't learned a script for the gift of tongues.... but you can see why it's useful!

rain, AB, there-goes-modelling and scholarships

This is weird but the most reactive to my last posts were people not of my race... they were all Christian and outraged. Probably the way it should be - when BO says 'Why do they tell me not to wear my sari like everyone else?' I say 'I dunno, have you asked them?' She has, by the way, and they have said 'Well, cos you're white'. So... they prefer brown midriffs to white?? I erm rest my case... :(( BO, by the way, who has asked to be sent this link is lovely wonderful fantastic (happy, B? :)) but more - she's awfully brave to keep going back to India which must be just as lovely and confusing to her as I find this country. Or maybe she's not brave - maybe she's just committed to what God wants. And I react to ppl's confusions sort of like they react to mine here - which on blogging about it makes me think of 'bearing each other's burdens'?? On a much smaller scale of course than the 1st C Christians ;)

BTW BO's name doesn't really stand for body odour. Not even when she's visited JMJ;) There, vindicated!

Now - it's been raining all day and since I love the rain I end up grinning like a bigger idiot than usual on my walk home! LOL Ah, Wales :) I know most people don't really 'love' rain - but I think it's brilliant! Beautiful really just like most other things are - sun, snow... although I might draw the line at enjoying a volcano... it may be beautiful (erm no offense, Lord;)) but I won't have time to stand and stare will I? Unless I'm already dead! Yes, I'm weird but not that weird ;) But no, rain's not pleasant when bus drivers like to splash your ankles and your lovely boots (!) with muddy water :(
But the real reason I wanted to blog about the rain is because this student was soooo weepy today. She complained about the UK, she complained about her husband, she complained about her house, she complained about English, she complained about money, she was just beginning to complain about her landlord's personal advances even!!! My word, no wonder she complained about me. She even complained about her zodiac - which of course she has read. It told her she would be tired and unhappy - well, of course she obeys THE ZODIAC! Uh! I was happy to tell her it was rubbish and would she snap out of it please (very politely in dulcet tones, ha!) But she was not focussed on her work really today which makes the teacher's job a LOT more teachy :P

AB - another friend who was on Gtalk for most of today and which made me glad!! Filled up my breaks most profitably on discussing mums, dads, men, boots, promotions, teeth and other essential information.

Wanted to also register for a models wanted thingy so I could get a free haircut - which I dearly need! But they took down the sign just today, so I'll have to go to that other shop with a similar sign (wink wink). I can always sound like I'm used to it with last year's stuff at UWB... LOL

Debbie Cameron wrote back to me and said the date is past for giving any additional information about scholarships so they can't really use my MA marks now... :S Either way God works stuff out.