The Breaker-Down

Sometimes tongues are like a glass of cold water after your morning jog! When you're stuck because you can't say what went wrong and what came right, and you don't know where you want to be or go but you know you must leave this place you are in... Or when you're simply floored by being in love and wonder and peace...

Habit is a hard thing to break, especially the habit of thought for me... But God goes before you to break down and destroy what stands in His way.

I have just rediscovered Isaiah 45: 1-3 and I love it.

1 "This is what the LORD says to his anointed,
to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of
to subdue nations before him
and to strip kings of their armor,
to open doors before him
so that gates will not be shut:

2 I will go before you
and will level the mountains [a] ;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

3 I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

I've got you covered

I am here in this place, with tears and smiles beyond my juggling skills. I want somewhere I can go and unburden myself - and you are here. Ready to take it on. I cannot be oblivious to that. Whenever I need you, you are here. Even when I don't see that I need you, you see it. You know me better than I know myself. This love shapes my world. It changes it. Redefines my need for love - you're not just everything I need, my need becomes you, more and more every day.

Because of you, I can smile. Actually because of you, I can cry too because I know you will see. Because of you, because of you. Lux lucis in obscurum.

And when I fall, I'm in your arms and it's the best place of all. And when I am nervous and jittery about whether the track will bear up under me, I can hear you whisper 'It's all right, I've got you covered.' The best thing I have heard all week - 'I've got you covered.' Thank you because when you walk beside me I know I can count on that familiar pressure under my arm when I stumble. Thank you because this is a forever kind of love.

Lux Lucis in Obscurum

In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day. - F Scott Fitzgerald.

Have you ever been there? When every moment you think morning might come faster, that this waiting might be over - and every time you think it you are reminded of the waiting in an inexorably ticking but never moving time-warp.

And you are desperate to leave, to forget. And you claw your way through a brick wall, soot covering the sides, your arms aching and heedless of the thin, sticky tracks of blood down them. Your nails are split and your hair is ragged. Scratch marks on your face and a dryness in your throat and eyes. No tears left. Check - none at all. Just a fear that you know you're ignoring. Hurriedly you put away the demented knowledge.

This night will end.

There is a space between the fear of hope and the fear of hopelessness. If you give up now, you will begin to think about it. And it lies there like an undisposed-of corpse reminding you of a guilt not undertaken. Is this the end of sanity?

You are desperate to forget, and in your desperation you cannot think of anything else.

Until someone... unthinkingly, insensitively, abrasively reminds you, confronts it, smiles at it cluelessly. Idiotically. What do they have on this relentless darkness? They will never know it.

But the tears fall. And in the dark, your watch says it is ten past three.

This is the day

Jesus, I am so thankful for you, and I love you so much. Because you make me smile whenever. Because I have you.

Where I come from

I am always not quite sure what people are expecting when they ask me how I was saved. My testimony is dramatic in that all testimonies are - you're born again, how much more life-changing can it get. I am radically saved. But story-wise - I don't know. You decide. There is not much of a plot, climax and denouement. But God requires us to testify of His love (love that song!), so I'm going to do it here. Because although I've blogged for some time now, I've never properly introduced myself!

When I was 10, I must have been a bit of a pain. Telling my testimony to a worker at church this morning made me realise - I definitely had some attitude problems back then! I'm sure I still have a few :( My dad was first in our family. My mum was always the one who read more, and consequently read the Bible more... But I think appa was the first to realise there was something more to being saved. That God meant what He said about no one coming to the Father except through Jesus, and about being born again. So as my father was beginning to get more interested in a personal relationship, he started to play these tapes and CDs over and over and over again. This would eventually result in my mum or me walking out of the room at some point. Moreover, my father also looked disapprovingly on our telly interests which did not help. Still does not make sense. But eventually he and our neighbours convinced us to go to this evangelistic prayer meeting - big event in the city, lakhs of people arriving from different parts of the state and neighbouring cities, must go. So we did. The evangelist is still a very popular, though sometimes controversial personality!

When we were there, I was very impressed with the message and with some parts of the worship. I was a sceptical 10 as to worshipping God openly or personally so when the person onstage asked us to allow the Spirit to minister and lift our hands if we felt like it and just feel free, I opened one eye to see what my mother was doing! I felt like I wanted to lift my hands and say this prayer that he was saying as I did feel a gentle breeze just after the man prophesied that we would. But I was not sure how cool that was going to be - so I peeked. My mother was lifting her hand(s) in prayer - it was the first time I'd ever seen her do it. I have always been very influenced by my mum and then my dad. So I was intrigued. I didn't open my eyes after that but I prayed and I welcomed the Holy Spirit. And minutes before the preacher had said some of us would feel a gentle rain - I did! I thought that was brilliant. I was only little so I had no trouble believing God could and would make the weather obey Him. Jesus in the storm had always been my favourite story.

I am not being denominational at all. But that God and I could have a working relationship did not actually dawn on me before that time.

Not everyone felt the tiny drops but everyone felt the thunderstorm in an hour! The people had dispersed and everyone was walking home, when the rain poured. It was unexpected and since the meeting was on the beach, it was quite cold. They were going to remove my tonsils because it was pretty bad. Lol, I couldn't leave anywhere without carrying my mother's dupatta (a shawl about half the size of a sari) - and needless to say, I was facing major fashion crises. Unbeknownst to me, our neighbours were walking behind us and telling each other I was going to be healed. Our home was about ten miles away and we only had a motor bike. When we went to my aunt's house, she was out and her flat was flooded! So we borrowed a towel from her neighbour to dry my hair. And then we set off home on the bike. I was very wet and my parents were worried by this time.

We took one of the preacher's books home with us. I read that book for the next month. I still hadn't asked Jesus into my heart. I don't think I did that in conscious rebellion though. About a week or two later, my mother asked me if I realised I hadn't sneezed once since. I hadn't thought about it. She told me I was healed and I said 'Yeah, I am!' and replied at once that I was indeed ready for an ice-cream :D. It was probably quite a minor thing but hey, I was excited... :D

The healing and the saving happened in my life simultaneously I think, looking back at it. But the latter took a bit longer to materialise perhaps. And I get weepy every time I think about it ;D!

By the end of the book was a prayer for salvation. I said it. I believe it was the 5th of June '95. I asked Jesus into my life and told Him I wanted him to be a real part of it. I also promised him that I would be there at a certain time every day, just to spend time with him. Today's blog is part of that time! Gave my life to God and surrendered to the working of His Spirit. It's the best thing I have ever done in my life because today I can't imagine living without him. In fact, I don't think that's possible. I'm still completely in love with the God who's turned my life around!

Hotchpotch

Well, I still have too much to blog about to really blog about what I want to blog about - does that make sense? Do I ever?

It is Sunday morning and I am feeling blessed and slightly over-rested! Will go to RoL but also visit SE, although I might be a bit late. RoL is home but the students are at different churches and I'm still waiting on God for that one.

If you read my spiel about 'Facades, Inadequacy...' you'd be expecting a certain tone to my blog today. If you haven't, don't even think about it! I am very happy to be here, and I said that. But I may have sounded like I didn't mean it. I did though. I am where God wants me to be - and that's just perfect. It was just that I had noticed a few attitudes that I was ranting off about. EW wrote to me and said he thought maybe attitudes at OU had changed since his day. But that wasn't very long ago considering he also stayed and taught here for aeons! But I have met some of the loveliest people, and not just at Bible House... It's just that, having lost my luggage and staying at Marston way off from the city centre and Uni and all that, I guess it took a bit longer for me to meet... errrr... 'the race that knows Joseph' ;D. And while you do meet posh f-s, b-b's, some of them are great to talk to! And you meet all sorts anyway, like in any other place.

Let me illustrate:

So I ask directions from someone somewhere around Marston, as I am, not unusually, rather lost! And they are a bit UNwarm and unsmiling about this street I'm asking after. As if to say, 'I have no idea where students exist and have no desire to... the vermin!'... Lol. Then, I mention College upon which said someone snaps to attention... I get directions pronto! It suddenly dawns on me that they have assumed I'm at OB.

A few days later, I laughingly relate this to someone else who goes to the same college as I do. And their reaction? 'Well, I think it was really rude of them to assume you were from B right away, don't you??!' And I'm going... errr. Well, I think it was rude of them not to be nice in the first place - even if I didn't go to Uni at all. To be fair when I mentioned this take on the thing to her - she was impressed and said 'Well, now that we know where it is, we can make that difference.' Gah, however, gah!

I have all the proper respect for OU, and for higher education and everything else. I mean I was involved with all the events they had promoting it for local schools et al constantly like I had no research to do in the previous place! And I love the beauty of O and the grandeur of OU and its history. But people are people, and they deserve respect... at least at first, hehe. Innocent until proven guilty and bleh! No seriously though...

The CU has been great. More active than a few others I've known. And the president of it blogs (about it) here. Made quite a few friends. They have some fantastic clubs and societies at the University. Joined in quite a few. Volunteer work most of it - and I am pretty sure I cannot do all of it. But some of it is brilliant - and it's working with kids and I miss the old ones so much, I'm glad to find more near where I am. A lot of music going around too - and although I will probably mortally embarrass myself if I attempt to read music, I've signed up. Should have kept up with it. And whaddya know! Signed up for rowing - can you believe it? Well, actually I am generally consistently crazy. But lookign forward to it.

I also have this very annoying inability to say NO. Simple monosyllabic skill that eludes me. Which is why Freshers' Fair found me in the middle of a face-off between pro-animal-testing and anti-it. And found me smiling and nodding and taking leaflets from both!! Ah sometimes it is convenient to pretend you don't speak English very well!!

Humph. Want to blog loads and yet there's nothing specific to say... Watch this space.