Hands to the plough...

Yes, bear with me while I spew some more. Not quite sure what's bringing it all on - well, several things, I'd say.

So I'm here and I'm rather weepy about leaving. Not just because I won't see everyone for a long time, but because I simply don't know. I don't know what's round the corner. Not just for me this time, but even for the old folks.

I know that I know (preacher-style ;D) the ones I'm thinking about specifically will not choose to reconvert if it comes to that. To start with - they wouldn't be reconverting if they were asked to to Hinduism. We haven't been Hindus for more than a couple of generations. The first man to take the step made a name in Tamil literature whereby to witness and then simply walked into eternity. Since then we've all been Christian at least nominally.

Which brings me to point le deuxieme. They wouldn't be reconverting because they haven't stayed nominal. And when the time comes, the God I've prayed to to keep my hands to the plough, will prevail. The thing is I am sure my old folks share the exact same sentiment. And I guess, deep down in my unspoken and unthought-out irrationality, I was hoping my what-ifs would be answered while I were here. I am selfish. Entirely. While communicationless aadivaasi-ing in the forest would be fun with them, I cannot imagine what I would do if it did come now that I am leaving.

I know that the true church in other parts of India have suffered and are still hiding in fear of their lives. I hurt for them. You know my pain. In fact, when I first heard it blew everything else out of my mind. Tertullian was right - the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church.

AB (a Hindu) promises she will come and save the day to be with my parents. LOL - I love her for it, but the truth is, how many of us can really save the day? We won't have the choice. I will probably run like the wind back to where I hope to find them with or without the means, as I see it. But the only certainty if things should come to a pass (imagination overtime atm perhaps) is those everlasting arms underneath. I have asked my what-ifs like I said a few days ago. And unbidden and unhesitant, I know the answers. I know the answer. I know they are big what-ifs. They might never happen. Or they might be sooner than I think. It has come to my state. The one my history books told me were a peaceful people... And I know the answers I need. I have been given them.

But all I can think of in reaction is to hold them close to me as hard as I can. And know in that moment that God holds them dearer than I do.