Luuurrrve

God is simply sooooo ace! I break his stuff and his heart and get to climb back on his lap by the end of the day. I'm challenged by the forgiveness I need to show in return.

In reference to my last post - I am back. ~Unfortunately I have this habit of measuring my distance to God - stupid, because He is infinitely holy.

Been listening to 'Mi primer amor' by MArcos Witt. And it's made me think - I'm glad no one ever really had a chance at that in my life. Ten was pretty young to fall head over heels in love and I am glad it was with the right person! Not that that made life hunky-dory afterwards... I make my fair share of messes. And my testimony does not end with the day I was saved - it probably only begins there. Salvation is the end of the beginning, I s'pose.

Picking up the pieces

Broke God's heart today. Not for the first time. Did something I've done once before in my life - just one afternoon of reading romantic fiction... And my bloodthirst for a story led me on to the end but unfortunately one of the links wasn't particularly romantic. So I read completely God-dishonouring stories today. I need to check into the local library to save my fiction-hunger. I knew it was wrong, I guess. There is the Song of Solomon but that should be enough! I am not proud of today - wasted my time and read crap. The two are intertwined. I would be all for reading good fiction any day.

It's funny. As soon as I knew that I'd left God's presence and it shook me up, instead of letting my heart be broken and facing what's worse - that I'd hurt him - I took to bartering. I was thinking dismally that without God's intimate presence, my poetry wasn't going to work. That there may be far-reaching consequences. And my first thought: God, take it; take the poetry... just don't take yourself away. In itself it wasn't a bad thing, I suppose. But sometimes you want to give something up so by beating yourself up, you save on the real pain. The real pain is that you hurt God. Kneeling on cold stone floors or paying absolution money doesn't cut it anymore... you know? He wrote the whole payment chapter. And signed it.

I want to be back, again. I don't want to wait for a far-reaching consequence. I'd rather have the consequences and get back in his presence quicker. But the two don't go together, I'm learning. And as much as that scares me, it also reassures me.

You break his heart, and still only he can pick up the pieces of yours!

Today, I had the best meeting ever with my supervisors... With both of them in the room, EP is very quiet and DC is ... well, abrasive, sometimes. For the first time, DC said 'you can' without any qualifiers and without the noticeable lack of a smile...

And it came after I decided it didn't matter. Doing well is a good thing - right? God wants it for you? But what if it grows to block the way? I said to God that I didn't want my concepts of glory and 'success' standing in the way, and while I wanted this DPhil, I was surrendering everything to His glory, without any disclaimers. And I really gave up my idea of doing well, not in a way that lacked faith but in a way that wanted to hold nothing back.

It wasn't a go-away-and-have-nothing-to-do meeting. There's a lot to do and work up to within a short time.

But I am humbled and happy.

I feel like I don't want to sit down and pray - if I did, I'd have to face what's happening.

Love - and some venting

It's very weird. I don't get it but have come to accept it... Every time you mention the word 'love', you get a busload of listeners. You get listeners who want the details - who miss the details when you leave them out, for goodness' sake. You get talkers who won't stop telling their story. I love it.

But it also goes against the grain - a bit, that is. Aha they're not that interested in love if it doesn't have me sighing over a member of the opposite sex, now, are they! Try it - you can probably count on your fingers the people you know who will actually disinterestedly listen to your love stories of friendship, of family, of sacrifice, of worship. Rather annoying, eh?

And why is it always 'do you have a boyfriend?'?! Has it ever occurred to the interlocutor that one may not always want a boyfriend? That one might be sticking out for the real thing - if that EVER happens - and quite happily single? That some people (yes, it is in the plural!) would rather not go out than go out with the wrong one? And to avoid that situation are quite happy to wait forever if necessary until God makes it pretty much obvious? AND seriously - must I, of necessity, be happy with your hints? MUST I be married if I don't feel compelled?

AND MUST I MUST I allow you to button my coat and have private walks with me whether or not you have the right? Surely it's not entirely weird if I said no? Or entirely hurtful? After all, we were never great friends. Surely also it's not unreasonable to expect you would say things outright instead of hoping I'd say them? I jolly well am going to use the fact that men were always the ones who were expected to do the work historically - well, at least to begin with. If you're going to make things uncomfortable - why is it my fault?

Gggaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ALSO BOY AM I GLAD NO ONE WHO KNOWS ME AND DOESN'T KNOW ME VERY VERY WELL READS MY BLOG.

Moments Like These

There isn't long we've got to hang around where we are... something tells me it's even shorter than I suspected. And all this spending with what isn't yours and hasn't been given to you, or storing up for what may not be worth all that much in the end seems completely crazy to me. Btw - anyone seen Credit Crunch the movie yet?

So from that starting point I've decided to redefine everything I'm doing and thinking and saying and planning. To take a long hard look at it and come up with its purpose really. A more realistic purpose.

I am doing what I do because I know it's in God's perfect will! He has several brilliant reasons for all of it... I'm afraid I don't. I have a few good reasons - one I've mentioned. The other is that I'm having fun. And three - it gets to me. If something makes me narrow my eyes and smile and my inside goes 'churny' in a certain sorta way and I know tears are a possibility as are unexplained grins on alone-time-walks... well then, PUHLEEZ believe it's worth it!
!
And God help my unbelief.

Metablogging

Humph. There is sooooo much trash on this blog - have been going through it. Also there is so much intense-soul-searching that no one's ever gonna care to read all of it... It's probably time to make a few rules. Maybe open a different blog that is more user-friendly. I am glad EH loved reading it. It is rather interesting in parts... but.

I mean here I am - procrastinating. And I need something funny to read and the little funny bits are stuck inside huge bits of rant and whine and love and poetry and... I mean honestly - when a girl wants to distract herself from important work, there's no place to go!

RM sent me a lovely little organiser with flowers on a pink and green layout. Come to think of it, it's a bit like what Grafx's done with my blog... Got another lovely parcel from foreign parts - well, NYC as always but hey, foreign to me. I love the feel of an awkward brown paper package in your arms as you trundle down the road home from the Porters' Lodge wondering what's inside. And how the slip of white paper with a number circled on it for you to find your little package on the porters' shelves makes you grin and sparkle... L'ma always writes on the description - 'cookies and candids'. I like that.

It takes me flipping aeons to make myself sit down and work on a paper I have to submit in two days. It's lovely in my head and then I just find it hard to sit down and write and by the time you're on your 5000th word, don't you forget precisely what you wanted to say at no. 7000? Aaahhh, academics!