The trouble is I am fine at Uni now, and with most other things. Just that church has never been hard work. But I know - for now and for however long now might extend to - God wants me here and I am happy! Actually.

And I'm so grateful for all my wonderful friends like SD, LT, BO and ST.

I am tired.

I can't believe how much this hurts. I am in a place with three other lovely girls, and we share so much of our lives together. But I am so much of an outsider, it hurts like hell.

And sometimes they - well, not all of them - so completely take what they need. Whereas I would always think if I wanted something: 'No, maybe someone else wants the same thing or someone else wants something that my choice might disrupt.' I am tired of being that way - I don't know how Jesus did it. But perhaps that's not exactly what he did. But the trouble is both at home and at Uni I am not used to taking what I want!! I don't throw my weight around - and I am tired of people accepting that. That if I don't say I deserve so much, I don't get it. I am tired of considering others better than myself - and the others accept it! I am tired of effacing myself and others helping me with it.

And here I am weeping buckets - just because I don't think I am fantastic, why should no one else seem to think it? I know the logic's amusing... lol. But does it hurt or what?! Because my ideas get taken and cut around someone else's tastes. Because other people's ideas and ways of doing things are so much better to still other people. I think it's a long time since I've been this left out.

Heck - I've never really been left out anywhere else, and I hate it when I think other people are being left out. And church used to be my comfort place. And for all I'm worth I have no idea why God wants me to stay here. This is no one's fault. But it's there - and it hurts like a bleeding thumb rubbed with chilli powder under scalding water.

Iknow it's coming

I feel like I'm searching for something with God, with my friends and family, with my life... something huge and impending that when it comes will eclipse every other interest in my life. Something that will stay within the constant of my Maker. Yet it will take me deeper into the beautiful shared knowledge of a secret gift, like a joke shared under a night sky.

Grafx's latest blog post was in keeping with the theme, methinks. On first reading it, of course I went 'Pfft can this be more depressing?' in a Chandler-Bing-sorta-way... But notwithstanding, I have the same sort of alone-ness without the problem of British people lacking warmth. Many people would vouch for the stiff upper lip and all that - I might, but I have also found a few fantastic friends here. Given different cultures all have a 'strange' quality to them - probably why I am so quick to dismiss any action of mine as weird and say I'm Indian. I rule in sarciness.

Already I can see it even here - me at my cynical best and always laughing at myself. From this blog you would probably never guess that I am the most pleased of all to be the class clown, as long as people laugh. Thinking about myself and analysing myself makes me broody, lol! I have been talking to one of my best friends since college all afternoon and I suppose that may have helped...

It has been a fantastic week. Two meetings with my supervisor. Took the train down to Cardiff to the department where I work, even now as a consultant. God's abundance there never fails to amaze me. Well, had an interview and aced it, and starting the job on Monday. Lot of work, analysis-wise, and better relationships with my supervisors. My days have been pretty amazing, perfectly crafted you could even say...

But it's the end of a long day without much academic work but tiring nonetheless and I have a headache. And I miss my mum and I miss my aunts and I miss my dad, and I wish I could actually make real friends here... IN this city, IN my college, IN my department.... not everywhere else. But that's not even why I'm feeling iffy - my favourite word when I feel this way. It's because I long so much for that secret gift I know I have coming. Maybe I just need to go up to my room.

Maybe also I'm just another girl.

Abba

I was there when you drew the breath of life
And I heard your voice the first time that you cried
And though you couldn't see me, I was very near
And there's something now that I want you to hear


You will always be a child in my eyes
When you need some love, my arms are open wide
Even when you're growing older, I hope you realise
You will always be a child in my eyes


I was there the first time that you prayed
And I heard all the promises you made
When you fell before me crying: 'Father, I have sinned'
I picked you up and held you close again.


You will always be a child in my eyes
And when you need some love, my arms are open wide
Even when you're growing old, I hope you realise
You will always be a child in my eyes.


Ray Boltz's song. God, you break my heart over and over again and I'm so in love with you. Help me remember!!

Cyber-smile

So Val's day has come and gone... And bikers with red roses made me smile. I'm not sure if I'll ever have a propah one... Reading this blog made me realise I might sound like I wouldn't want one. In actual fact, I'd be quite ready to drool obligingly if the right guy came along, and so I try not to when the wrong 'uns smile... And to be fair, you generally get help when you ask for it...

No, I've had a pretty fantastic week. Really grateful.

Me

I must say I am shocked shocked shocked at how bloody (am I allowed to say that?) bonkers my English has gone. I say things like 'D'ye 'ave?' and 'Let 'im 'ave a go'. I can't credit it. I mean to myself I think very pristinely. But I shy away from a posh accent (after a posh couple of Unis I think and a not-so-posh one inbetween) and I go end in this extreme. I am a bit confused, with all my accents. I think I switched originally from one end of the spectrum to another and now I am trying to find middle-ground. Actually I'd rather not.

I came here however to journal my prayer time again. So often, far too often, I find my focus moving from God to me. Just count the number of first personal pronouns on this page, for example. God wants me to do this DPhil - and I can't quite imagine what I am to do afterwards. Would I stay on? How unlikely is it that I would get a job in this country... Would I go back? How would that balance out the practicalities? And I think God has changed me - I was always rather different I guess and I lived in my little pocket in India and believed the world was a bubble. I still want the world to conform to my bubble-rules. But I keep reminding myself I don't have to conform, and it's the world's loss if it doesn't... What I have to do is keep getting fresh (;D) and honest with God, I guess.

So here I am... DPhilling with everything in me even though I often don't have a clue where I am going and sometimes it looks like there's no way ahead. When I say things like God makes a way where there's no way - I actually mean it? I don't think a lot of people get it. I mean hey, we all want someone to look at us and go 'Wow'. I think, however, that our reaction would be 'Wow' if we actually saw everyone for who they really are. And sometimes I don't even know if I am doing well, or I am headed in the right direction. I don't know if the time I put in today, tomorrow, the next week would actually be viewed as useful in my supervisors' eyes. I just end up putting it in anyway because I don't have a clear picture what to do and saying to God, not in so many words 'There, God, I commit it to you'. There are times when the picture flashes before me with clarity - I pray for more of those times.

I am also torn between two societies. In one, I must pretend to be together and have it all under control and know exactly what I am doing. In the other, they pretend I don't have it under control, and I might not make sense if I tried. In both, there are glimmers of light shining through - when two people stop pretending and discuss how they don't know what they're doing together, or two people stop pretending and discuss how it's okay to be different, seek more, not say you might have your pretty moments but to notice them all the same.

Perhaps it is because I am growing older and I feel sometimes the need to plant my feet in one place and collect a little family of friends around me and say I belong. Perhaps also it is because I've lost the freshness of before... But I know I can get it back, if I remember. I will.

And perhaps also it is because I have this deep desire to know God and fall in love with him for the whatever-eth time, and yet I feel so submerged in all these little details of my life.

On another note, I think if I did not have to think of so many things at once, I might loosen up a bit. I should loosen up anyway. Let my skirt fly around, and my hair not be perfect... I've got leggings and curls anyway. It has been a long time waiting for me to do the things people would do if they had a job that paid them - and my logic does not bear with my wanting those things... Why should I want them? I've always been happy without. When I think about it that way, my shoulder blades relax and my knees draw up and I'm pushed into a chuckle. Why do I care? But there is a habit of thinking that can catch on... Like thinking sin must be normal, natural... thinking desires for unnatural things by God's word must be natural by human standards. No no no. The human was made for God, not God for the human.

It is true our perceptions of God are often formed by who we are. But that's because we go about it backwards - it's the easiest for us. But are our perceptions of us formed by who he is?

Titbits

Made a list of things I would want my husband to be and to be for my husband - perhaps it should be the other way around - if there were going to be one. So if there were going to be one, then God will honour that... It's a pretty darn good list even if I say so myself eh?

One thing living with all these Latinas has caused is a rather more frequent perusal of the subject. When I say frequent, it's all relative. Like I feel I have loads more growing up to do - but of course that's all relative as well.

The effect of the list on moi? Made me realise how lovable (can you use that word in this context? sounds wrong...) Jesus is. In fact, I'm sure 'lovable' brings up a different picture in the head to the sold-outness one has in mind... Worthy of our passion, because with every long-drawn gasp of evil pain, he didn't even try to come out of it easy. The logic is all wrong by any measure on earth, isn't it? Why would I be worthy of that? But I was given it and it has taught me to expect things... Is that wrong? Well, what can I say...

CK's here this weekend. I nearly skipped with happiness when I realised it was today. it's been so long since I saw all of them, and I can't believe how much I love them! Lol - I feel like Sandra Bullock in 'While You Were Sleeping', despite the quite obvious lack of Sleeping Handsome and soul-mate/stranger...

CK is in a lot of pain - CK is CK's wife if that makes any sense... Lol, they have the same initials ;D I got a text from her that made me cry and one part of it was "morphine morphine and more morphine". I want to visit them. I can't afford it at the moment, but any chance I get I'll jump in the backseat of a car that's headed that way, thank you!

Apart from the fact that an Oxford degree is an emotional rollercoaster apparently, I have had a perfectly gorgeous Saturday of sleep and chocolate for which I am infinitely thankful. I don't really want to feel guilty about it, although I am quite ready to be assigned something more from my meeting with my supervisors next week. No. I am very grateful for the Saturday and blessed by the fact that I actually listened and didn't go out volunteering today.

It's cold but there's no snow just in Ox. My feet froze in my socks. Woke me up. I had a sleepless night almost entirely. Because I couldn't go to sleep and when I did I dreamed about church and young people that was so extremely real. I don't mean vivid or dramatic or anything. Just very detailed and quite realistic, even matter-of-fact like life. I know it was God speaking to me. I told NR afterwards but I don't have a clue what we're meant to do about it. And as always, I suspect people are unimpressed with what I say. Sometimes I think God should get a better person to present his stuff. But hey, I guess he's dealing with my knobbly bits ;D


xxx