short story (jus cos i never got over my first one!)

THE SOUND OF MEMORY

I remember lying against my mother – in her arms, on her stomach. Her heart beats very regularly, comfortably; sometimes I can hear the fluid moving through her body, down her stomach. I was amused, wondering.

Funny how some impressions stay etched on your mind, intact, vivid, fresh. It may not be the significant ones. But little things that just seem to catch your mind momentarily. One experiences life through these odd, inconsequential moments, I think. Like the sound of a fan, the clinging of a wet pen tip to the paper, words in the air, the feeling of a smile... Words in the air…

I remember growing up. It was a certain point in time, a moment when I realized that I was growing up. That something new was beginning. We were playing out on the sand in school at lunchtime. It was a very warm day, not unusually, and the sand was warm too, and dry. It left a layer of dust on our hands. Fine dust that was not easily wiped away. The play became more energetic and as we ran after each other we were getting more sweaty and, no doubt, grimy as well although we couldn’t have seen it. We were absorbed in the game. It had taken us a little distance from where we started. We had come near the hostel and there was a tap fixed on the wall not too far off. It was a beautiful place, this. Clustering pink bougainvilleas hung all over the cracked wall. It was not a very high wall but thick and ancient.

It did not take long for the hosepipe that was attached to the spout to attract our wandering attention, spoiling as we were for something to do. It lay white and coiled on the grey cement and the sun made it gleam with added fervour. It was a natural instinct we obeyed then when some friends and I picked it up and turned on the water full force. We shrieked as we sprayed water on each other; playing with the jets of water, making them dance between the dodging girls, directing the briny water straight at laughing faces – playing, yelling, laughing high and loud.

At twelve and thirteen, some of us were big girls. I was big too but fast thinning. “Angular, awkward” – that is what they call most girls of that age in books. I may have been angular. I do not know. But certainly none of us were really awkward. It was not precisely “grace” we had either but “ease”. That bounding, thoughtless, active ease of children. Children. Many of us were still in our childhood. And as we monkeyed around, I don’t see how people could have thought otherwise.

The riot did not last for much over two minutes. We had just enough time to close the tap and partly put the hosepipe back before the approaching teacher had covered the playground and stood within a few feet of the bunch of dishevelled, giggling girls. Stern-faced. Strait-laced. Unbending, she seemed. She led us to the classroom. We could scarcely keep up with her angry pace, despite the energy simmering in us. Unsure, we walked to our desks without a syllable. But I think we said a great deal more in the furious glances we telegraphed in all directions in that large classroom.

Apparently – we had not even noticed – a few boys on the street had peeked over the low wall. We were not soaked. A few of us were hardly wet. I had little water on me except on my forearms for it had taken me some time to renounce my early monopoly of the hosepipe. It was the potential danger we had been blind to that worried her, she said. But that was not the worst of our faux-pas, that afternoon. We had forayed into protected territory, and had been inconsiderate in the bargain. We had left more water on the ground than on ourselves. And this at a time when there was a scarcity in the city and the girls in the hostel were trying to conserve the precious little they had. It had been a delightful sensation – flopping around in water on the warm cement. But she was right. And the knowledge of it killed the excitement of breaking rules. Words and phrases washed around me – “Ashamed of yourselves. More responsibility. Disappointed. Grow up” She punctuated her speech with emphatic bangs of her wooden ruler on the table. I was not truly listening, although I was a little ashamed. I stared determinedly at the pot-holed wood of my desk.

I looked up when another teacher entered. She had something to tell us as well. “This one” – as her nickname seems to have been, judging from the whispers I hear from decades ago – “she is nice, kind”. I remember she scolded less, and twinkled more. She looked amused. She told us we had to be more careful. Think more. “You must learn to look further than now. Learn not to live only to enjoy the present moment.” But oh! I wish she had not said that. I wish instead she had told that wide-eyed group of thirty girls or more “Car pe Diem”. It would have made sense now. For at times it almost seems like things have fallen obediently into the pattern of her counsel.

Then she said something else. Something that did not impact me then as it did later. Either I had heard the words and they had stunned my comprehension, or they had not yet completely penetrated my consciousness – quite probably my reaction was exaggerated, much like the whole situation, but I know I did not hear anything else after that for a long while. I remember the blue out the wide and sturdy black windows turning to grey. My neighbour spills a bit of ink on herself. The bell rings for longer than usual. A final clatter of ‘byes and packing books. The last thing I observe before I leave is the colourfully decorated quote at the head of the blackboard. “Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth.” I have worked out its meaning before, but just now I am not sure. I know I will understand; but I cannot try at this moment. I am too full – of what, I do not know.

I remember I was relatively silent for the latter part of the day. I was sadder too. I did my homework, ate my dinner. Then at night, as I lay against my mother’s side – and this, this is the most vivid, real part of that day – the sound of the teacher’s words suddenly hit my thoughts. “You have the rest of your life before you.” And I lay grappling with the sense of them. It appeared as if they had been suspended in the heavy atmosphere of the evening waiting to cut through my dimness with startling keenness. “The rest.” So a part was gone? Over? The sadness threatened to choke me – and then, as unexpectedly as it came, it left. Displaced by other words. Words that I picked from the air. Words I remembered reading. Displaced by vague hope. “Humble yourselves like this child...” and “… put away childish things.” Inexplicably, I was as quiet inside as I had been outwardly through the day – and I fell asleep to the sound of my mother’s regular breathing.

Year 11s etc

Cyfarthfa High - awwww grrrr lol grrrr lowwweees

Year 11s - enda thevanae! how do I respond to that?! Lol grrr lol

And you - BO, JR, GJ, DD, amma - comments here! Now... or there will be five minutes of detention on Tuesday!

And God bless the NPs of this world.

:D

God bless BO for introducing my hair to straighteners and thank God I don't feel the urge to use them everyday!!!!
:D

LOL - how blonde am I?

how many of these have you done?

[x] You have screamed at an inanimate object for 'hurting' you
[x] You have run into a glass/screen door.
[x] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle (PTC it is!)
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you
weird looks.
[ ] You have ran into a tree/bush

so far: 4

[ ] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[x] You have tried to lick your elbow and found out it's not possible.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm (and also the same music! can't believe I never knew that)
[x] You just sang them to make sure.
[ ] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.

so far: 8

[ ] You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ] You've never seen the Matrix.
[x] You type only with two fingers
[ ] You have accidentally caught something on fire.
[ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.

so far: 10

[x] You have fallen asleep in class
[ ] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you were talking about.
[x] People often shake their heads at your stories.
[ ] You are often told to use your "inside voice".

so far: 13

[ ] You use your fingers to do simple math
[ ] You have eaten a bug accidentally.
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it.
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time

so far: 16

[ ] You repost bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't.
[x] You break a lot of things.
[x] you tilt you're head when you're confused.
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before.
[ ] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling
[ ] The word "ew" is used many times a day.
[ ]You're probably going to have to use a calculator to multiply this

total score: 19

NOW, take that number and multiply it by 3.

57% DISAPPOINTED - I must be more blonde than that! The friend I copied it off of is also disappointed with her results... LOL...

Cyfarthfa High - I LOVED it :O

Apart from the fact that I really must get something to do with my life and if I choose not to go to evening service next time, I must vow not to switch the comp on... (no offense to you guys)... here are some interesting snippets from this Friday, teaching at a local high school. It was great and I was so chuffed to be teaching in a proper school as opposed to additional and special needs classes in college!! And it was a posh-ish one at that ;O Anyone clued in who's reading this - no, not quite as posh as the London one but still!! (Tip: it's easier reading my long-windedness if you leave out the Me:'s and the Boy:'s and the Miss:'s...):P

#1 was when I was just supervising course work. These were the two kids in front of me and the most chatty. Rest assured, this was not the content of the lesson, neither did I make it so! But this one goes to show how not a teacher I was!!! Although some of 'em loved it and wanted to know when I was coming again!

Sis: Miss you could never tell we're brother and sister, could you, Miss?
Me: You're brother and sister? No, it wouldn't've struck me...
Sis: Cos he's got a lovely tan which he doesn't want and I want :(
Me: He's got a tan, sweet...? I thought I'd got the best tan of all ;)
Bro: Yeah but you wear make-up... why on earth would you do that? Look, you've got a yellow spot here, and a bluish streak there!
Me: Hey! She's a girl - you never mess with her like that, okay? ;) And no, you don't chuck your book at a girl either - not very nice was it? (This is not his sister btw and no smiling teacher here)
Bro: No, Miss, it wasn't very nice (sheepish smile)
Sis: miss, do I really have a spot here and a streak there?
Me: No, of course not... And yes, you can go to the toilet whenever you're sick and (lol) no you don't look sick :)
Sis: Where do you live, Miss?... Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: (Erm slightly speechless and laughing) n-no?
Sis: Are you married?
Bro: Oi, nosey! What's with you?
Me: (gratefully) No, I'm not married but I live with a family in x
Sis: Oh, cos I was thinking if you're new here it might be difficult. You never wear make-up, do you, Miss?
Bro: See, I told you...
Me: No... (seeing a look tht needed some comforting)... even if I wanted to the time I got the message to come into school this morning, there would've been no way!
Sis: But you never wear it, do you? you're lucky...
Me: Why...
Bro: Cos you don't need to - it's natural.
(Miss at this point blushes nice and thorough!)
Me: No, why would you need to wear it... And how do you get the time...

and the conversation contd... This was a darling class compared to the afternoon; there were a few mischievous nuts but they laughed with me and when I took their trip they took it and were slightly malleable!

The second and third had poetry appreciation and they were English (Higher) so I had a ball! With Period 2, I didn't know they expected a discussion until later. With Period 3, I knew and I prayed again and managed to get 'em involved!! Their teacher came back at lunch bell and said 'You just got a compliment from one of my girls there. She said "Miss, we've got a super-good teacher, Miss. She explained everything very well and then made us write, she didn't just cover, Miss"'. I told her 'Aw, Miss D that's made my day now!' Yes, yes I am tooting my horn but this was the highlight of my day!!! And even if I never get cover work again, I'll be glad for that one!!

Afternoon was a disaster! Science classes and year 9s!!! Gosh - I was in for a time!
#2
Me: N would you please do your work now?
N: No
Me: NOW
N: I've got a sinus (which I may mention was completely dormant when he was jumping on the tables and hollering the girls outside the window!)
Me: Well, if it's just come on, I'm sure it will be gone as suddenly. Do IT NOW
Class - I am this close to giving everybody a detention... It's Friday afternoon and you don't want to stay back in school.
N P!
N: You can't give me detention
Me: You heard Mr B and I can well give you detention as your parents have been warned.
N: I must pick up my sister
Me: Well, your mum knows to expect you may be late
N: No, I tore up all the notes the school sent!
Me: Grrrrrr

#3 is my favourite! It's so un-me like I told MS. But he says it was thinking on my feet and it worked to some degree! They laughed and stared and then just shut up for a bit. All of these are from the second period in the afternoon, LOL.

Me: Now why are you all moving? You're supposed to stay where you've been put.
Boy: Well, Miss, he... he erm (passed wind is the polite equivalent :O)
The accused: He hee (sheepish smile) But Miss I can't stay there all alone.
Me: (smiling and trying not to laugh which the students well know!) Well, could you please stay there? And you move back there now.
Boy: Aw no, Miss. I can't! It's horrid. Please.
Me: (after chatting with a few others) No, come on, you can go back there. It's okay now. Move please!!
Boys: No (and all sorts of jokes and laughter and teasing and wrestling!! Not all nice either!)
Me: Well, I'm sorry THAT IS THE PROPERTY OF GASES. THEY MOVE! Now go back!
(I can't believe I said that. Oh Lord, I can't believe myself! LOL. yes, it's funny but I wouldn't have credited myself with thinking that much less saying it! LOL... well at least they'll have warmed to me a bit...)

Lol, they did a bit. But the end of the day saw the deputy head teacher walking in... The detention names were duly given I tried to save a couple but she wanted the warned ones as well :( Two mobile phones were confiscated. The two boys who had them out were warned by me. And then they did it again - so I said "That is really it. Detention!" They then said "Miss, No! Rugby...we have a rugby match..." Of course I said (like my teachers of old) "Well, you should have thought of the rugby when you were not doing your science work. You know the rules. And I have given this class several warnings". Bless their hearts, when they knew I was serious, they just turned red and lay down their not-so-little heads on the table and tried to go to sleep in self-pity. Even though, I felt awwwwwwful giving out punishment, I sorta loved that moment because suddenly they were children again.... awwwwww.

The trouble is with teaching adults and at a college, you're so used to saying to your students 'Do you want to...' and 'Would you mind...' and 'Please...' AND expecting an immediate aquiescence... My bad, LOL. In the afternoon classes at least. The English classes had a few rugby/football guys in it. But they got involved too and a couple even gave in ideas! So the morning was super-fantastic :D The afternoon was good too - well, some of the kids were fun. But it was just scary altercation because, of course, the kids here aren't quite like the kids there!

Testimony

There is something I have been longing to testify about for a few days now - I knew I would write about it when it was over... But how!

Five days ago I was yakking away to my long-suffering mother as usual. And she was worrying about my passport not being with me. I (being my obnoxious self) was, of course, highly irate at her worrying and annoyed about her not being able to see why there was nothing to worry about. I still think so. If the Home Office has my passport, it's in the next best place to be (after my keeping, that is)! But what I didn't know then and was brought to my notice a few uncanny moments after my conversation with my mum was that my old house mate had indeed had a delivery for me and missed it. What was even worse was that it had arrived the previous week. RM (whom I've blogged about on y360 before) is lovely and nearly as blonde as I am ;O And the moment her text about the time of its arrival got me, panic didn't just set in, it avalanched in! But RM wouldn't answer when she was able to pick it up. Her answers consisted of 'Claim your peace, girl. God is in control. He has never let you down so far, has He?' The truest words she could have said and although in some ways they annoyed me no end - it was the only thing I could hold on to. Because you see the one thing that was staring me in the face at that moment of (I hate to admit it) fear was that if that letter had had a 'no' in it, I might well be illegal having missed a few days of warning, had there ever been one! Now I don't know how rational that is or how likely or how much time the H O allow when a passport is returned without a visa - but that was what I was feeling.

There followed an evening of complete madness. I actually was sick (literally :( ). Running around like a headless chicken, from chocolate to ice-cream to toilet to pillow to toilet was not really helping either. I could not call my mother lest she panic and worry again. But I emailed her saying I was sorry but that this was the status quo... I knew in my heart that what I really needed to do was sit down on my bed and quieten down. Pray and then wait for God to put His arms around me. I am sure it would have happened had I chosen to do that. Yeah, I was talking to You, Lord, all the time but I was not really happy to listen or to do the looking-in-Your-eyes-kind-of-talking... But what you, reader, must understand is that if I sat down in that quiet I would have had to face my fear and be reduced to a blubbering idiot ;O

So inevitably I went online looking for what I think of as healthy distraction... completely unrelated jabber! What happened there was surreal. Lord, You knew I wasn't able to prepare myself for the direct hugs I've had in the past... You're just fantastic and I can't say that enough! Well, I went online and a friend said hello... Someone whom (does anyone use the relative object pronoun anymore apart from in India?) I had lost touch with. We were delighted to be back in touch and it was great being distracted. There were none of my usual, everyday friends online. Which was good - as I didn't want to explain. There was another person (friend perhaps) whom I have only ever chatted to online - a friend of a friend, don't worry your pretty heads too much, people! It was a desultory monosyllabic-ish wall-posting conversation. But something prompted me to ask him to pray. Perhaps the idea that, because the conversation was desultory, he may not have the time to ask me what about and just pray for my panic. I also asked a couple of others to pray. Lord, I thought that would suit me fine! But God had wonderfully different ideas. Get this! - in fact, I believe the living Lord is quickening to me right now a verse that I can apply to the rest of my life as well - I was looking on http://www.biblegateway.com/ for the verse I needed which was
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
And that was the verse of the day! I know it sounds like a small coincidence but it's not. It's one of His little ways that make you feel special because you really are, in Him. And for those not-so-surers, you can bet your last breath that God is definitely alive and interested! LOL
Ah well, Lord, I can only say it again - You're fantastic.

Anyway back to the story - my dear, patient whoever-is-reading-this - this person online did ask in due course what was up. I started out saying I didn't want to talk about it. But that felt rude as I'd asked for prayer anyway and when you're online and they can't see your face, friends don't always recognise that the expression is trepidation or weariness and not callousness... I'm quite sure this friend may have been a lot more perceptive (as he seems to be) but I ended up telling the story anyway! He listened and prayed a lovely prayer. And it worked. But just when I was telling my tale, the hurt sort of welled up... and that was when I got my special hug. SV, a girl from school, whom I haven't been in touch with since... well, since school... suddenly wrote to me. She said 'Pilgrim, are you free now? I really want to speak to you now.' Because my blog is called Confessions and Ramblings I will say that my immediate reaction was 'Lord! Not another repeat of being someone's confession-box. Surely You don't want that of me now?' Yes, I cringed even as I heard myself think that. But I thought it. There have been some weeks when it has been non-stop... this being a confession-box. I love it. It makes me feel valued and special and like God has a point in putting us together as friends (or, as has happened often, acquaintances!). Friends who are reading this and are like me - do NOT immediately put yourself in that category. You are friends. Much more importantly, God, please don't stop. However, I thought I was too tired for it. Even more honestly I was too full of myself. My fears and my worries. Writing it down here will help me remember my idiotishness, Lord. Thank You.

But I picked myself up, dusted off my ugly moment, and said hello back. I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say because it has been years! Perhaps five or six! Her email said this :

hey ..JESUS has always had an impact in my life...but after i came to X i went for a worship prayer in my school..on campus church...i was filled wid tears..all my X friends strong christians ..told me that i got saved..after that i loved Jesus....im going crazy over HIM..im an hindu basically...but now i love only JEsus!!he has saved me and im goin to go to HEAVEN!!..IM SO EXCITED!i got saved on jan7 and i got baptized on feb21..im soo happy nowadays not feeling lonely in X ..feel gr8..GODS wid me!!im soo happy..i just wanted to tell u..something told me to tell u!!i just wanted to share my exp wid u!! HOLY SPIRIT IS WITH ME!doing wonderful things in ME....PRAISE THE LORD!!!

That is a nearly verbatim quote. It was one of my warmest hugs in a long time. Not all my hugs have been metaphorical ;O but now I know when Jesus wants something done He'll do it His way cos ya win ;) I was then crying and I told AB (not the boots, family and teeth one) online and I wrote back to SV. It was at the exact same moment when I sat there, snivelling and trying not to let my voice break so the family outside would notice, that SV's message popped up on the corner of my screen. She kept saying she didn't know what it was that made it clear to her it was me and not one of her other 130 friends on that site. I kept saying to her that she would never know just how much that moment meant to me. Maybe some day I will write out (meaning write forth) its joy. But for now, it just makes me cry. And in that moment, it just sent my worries out the window and blessed me abundantly. Thank God for the gift of hearing Him and listening to and for Him.

RM then text back saying she would get my post after work. In my panic, however, I had given the wrong postcode for the wrong address. I did not realise until the next morning. That was like a wind-snatching blow in my tum! My father - bless him - decided to call and give me advice on writing official complaints out and going to the post office. It was not well-timed when I was rushing against time! In the end, i just convinced my parents that surely, if I didn't think of it myself (Lord, why must I sound like a teenager in these situations!), the post office was able to advise me better than they were from there! But I just prayed and set off. I am foolish - because even then I was about to give up and cry. But I had been able to surrender it and say 'Lord, whatever losses, financial and otherwise, I submit them to You. You can have it the way You want it because given a choice I wouldn't have it any other way'. I meant it.

That morning, three post offices and several aborted phone calls later, I showed up for work. And prayed for the impossible. But you see, I was praying to the God of the impossible.

Amazingly, the pack arrived at work just where I was when the first mail for the day came in! Despite wrong postcodes, physical panic attacks, my obnoxiousness, thickness and because of people's willingness to pray, my being able to submit (finally!) and God's amazingness. The visa was granted. The issue was never the visa - but the delay and I never wanted to break the law. God saw that I didn't. That's my new insight into the righteousness that comes by faith ;O Lol. Sometimes you say 'Lord, that just may be too close!' But God works in stuff like that. He knew I would panic and He knew I could go no further down than where I was, in His everlasting arms, when He pulled that last rug from under my feet - the misdirected mail. (Deut 33:26-29). I haven't learned a script for the gift of tongues.... but you can see why it's useful!

Beautiful

Quiet Time

- Susan Lenzkes, copyright 2004


On the night that I was born
into Your family, Lord,
did You dance upon the rain-slicked streets,
full of grace and joy at the
potential and pure eternal life
You had birthed in me?
Dipping a sacred finger into
Your Son's sacrificial love, You
traced my form from the
well of Your divine intention.
And then You called me
Your Beloved in Christ,
whispering that I would grow up
to be like Him one day.
Oh Father, can it be that
this is who I really am?