introduction to a relationship

Lord I ask forgiveness for the absolute waste of time today… I did nothing
I slept, I dreamt and I cried. Well, there was one little break where I cooked and ate but THAT WAS IT!
When I finally got my arse (ought i to say posterior??) up to do something it was five to time to pray! And I called the home office and it was ten mins after they’d closed. I can’t help but think it was Satan that made a complete waste of a day for me… You live in eternity Lord and all time is Yours, and not one is wasted in Your economy – every minute of us there will be spent in giving You the glory. How I was giving You the glory today – I don’t know!!
Appa just sent me a forward saying hours with God makes minutes with men effective. That if you spend an hour in Your presence, a minute outside will take care of your worrying and pressing problems because of Your direction and guidance. I remember what I did this morning – I was so shocked that I’d woken up late that I read the Bible (in my hazy mind thinking I might as well go to work) and just closed it and said ‘oh hi Lord, good morning, wd u read to me pls… ok thanks’ effectively meaning subject closed now help me get on with everything else. But not in You!! Horribleness :( Seems I’ve just proved the converse effect of Appa’s forward to me today. Don’t spend time with You and nothing of your time on earth to do with men and their concerns is going to go right. Oh, if I’d used the words ‘bye’ or ‘see You later, Lord’ I’m sure I’d have caught myself up on that. I know the jargon well enough – ‘pray continually’ I’d have remembered and come whimpering back to You. But I wasn’t using the jargon, was I? I was just fulfilling it in the worst way possible and was blind to it. Then I was hurting from my pain and instead of rebuking it, I just got hurt abt it! And also instead of seeing it as sthing You were using to bring me back to You – in fact, You did briefly and I was touched by that encounter – I jus used Your advice to overcome the pain. It worked but not for long because now it’s as though the scales have fallen from my eyes and I see that I’ve spent the day running away from You!
Not that I don’t love You or anything like that – I am madly in love with You and love You from the depths of my heart… how can I help it, You’re You and I need You beyond words and I enjoy every minute with You. But I suppose I was too lazy for the heavy stuff! Half the time, I don’t even do it – You do the relationship work and I amen it! How You love me is beyond comprehension… But then that’s the way it should be shouldn’t it? You love someone, it’s forever. Unconditional. The way the world (or most of it) has forgotten :(
And when people like me find You, we have the gall to get used to Your beauty… I’m rambling on not even serving You at this point, it seems. I’m rambling on just to learn something myself… I believe You might be teaching me something here about the way relationships work, about the way people work, about the way Peculiar People work or ought to work… I am so blessed that You can take this moment of inadequacy and turn it into this beautiful revelation. Only You. When all I came here to say was, ‘Sorry… so sorry. I love You. Change me to whom You want me to be’. I am, Lord… really sorry. I thank You really that You’ve shut up my mouth and caused me to write. I know the urge to write and that I can often fight it well enough. But not when You want to teach me and get me to stop and listen, sovereignly. Not then. I can’t fight it and I can’t do without You. I’ve said it before… if I had everything and didn’t have You, it would be worthless. If I had You and nothing else, it would be more than sufficient. And when I want, remind me to think about it and weigh it… You have been and will be more than sufficient, beyond my needs to my heart’s cry. Like now – You knew I needed to hear and listen… and You got me to writing. Cos You knew that I wd be so involved in my horrific wastage and apology, that I would be too loud to hear You today. Perhaps that’s what happened to Zacharias too? Bless him :) Thank You for putting the song in my heart instead of my mouth. Thank You for Your presence. It changes me. You change me. And life is confusing sometimes… It’s hard learning again to not know or strive to know what’s ahead… And yet, it’s so fantastically beautiful learning that… learning to relinquish control. And liberating… not in a way many people understand. Thank You for those that do though, thank You for bringing them my way with their depth of understanding and their communion with Your Spirit. I’m privileged, to be Your little girl. Thank You for the words You’ve whispered to me. For those You haven’t whispered but firmly repeated, because I wasn’t listening. We must be adolescent for a long, long time, God, for You :S So You see, not for the first time in my life, I’ve realised that I can’t survive without praying and reading Your Word… actually make that, I can’t survive without You. And I can’t survive without the fullness of Your presence. I know (and You were listening, Lord) that I was proud of saying that to someone recently, who did not know You and who was surprised to hear my avowal. Forgive me, I’ve learnt my lesson! And for the zillionth time in my life (or more), I’ve realised that Your presence changes me. So I can’t do the daily living thing without You – as living things need to grow (ha, I remember my primary school lessons :D). And I’m sorry I’ve been smug and self-satisfied and even proud of learning to surrender… And I might be on my way to being proud of my confessions – help with that too, as I know You will. It’s funny how I recognize pride in everyone else even in the smallest doses. I don’t always recognize the subtlety of mine before it acts itself out :( But thank You that I have You – help me never to go deaf to You. Dumb’s okay… People can well do without my trash. I can’t do without You and You know it.
Have I told You today Lord that I’m head over heels in love with You and it’s the right way up? Well, I am. I love You, Lord Jesus.