Laughter

I've got a random fit of the giggles... I'm thinking of stuff we said and did at meeting, or conversations I had with friends, or just laughable circumstances! And for the life of me, I cannot stop grinning.

I love it when I am happy in God and however much the storm may be brewing around me, the fact that we're in love keeps me smiling - to the point, that I annoy myself for acting rather idiotish! Recently I know my posts haven't been supremely sunshiny me. I apologise for the whining and the ranting. But hey, my space to abuse, as I seem to remember having said before. And I know you guys (the few of you out there) won't begrudge me my raving-lunatic act once in a while.

I am happy today and feeling more like myself in God than I have in a long time. The church question continues. I've been hugely lazy. If you've been following, you know something of what I mean (er, okay, humour me while I imagine a loyal readership ;D). But still the joy that being in his presence brings is simply the most gorgeous feeling I could think of. MK has always remarked on it... he's a pastor, so I guess he's allowed to peek at people when they wroship! It has always been there but recently I've been afraid it'll leave... I am pretty foolish in my image of God, I box him up and fit him into the (very square) corners of my mind - and every time, God breaks out of it and I am in awe. In fact, by now I know I'm limiting God and I know He is bigger... except sometimes it takes me a bit longer to feel it. What can I say? - I'm slow :P

So I have a deadline to meet and it's 2 am in the morning and I am considering a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon tomorrow and I cannot sleep or concentrate because I feel like jumping up into the father's arms and laughing with him. And I wouldn't exchange this for anything in the world.

Happy new year, everyone!


PS Grafxgurl, I really do want to respond to your more-than-generous tagging of me... This post-script is an IOU. Enjoy home doubly seeing as I can't be there! xx

He happens

Okay, okay... maybe this isn't my story to tell. But I just want to say that God's amazing about knowing your needs. I have this lovely friend who was telling me about what God said to her the other day.

It was at a prayer meeting - the kind you've probably all been to or can well imagine. And here she was, feeling entirely out of it and asking God what had gone wrong. BM loves him so she wasn't too happy about status quo. Understandable.

And then God happened :). Like he sits her down in the middle of the meeting and in her completely silent spirit He tells her so she can hear: 'You know what? I invented doughnuts!' See, doughnuts are a favourite and she needed to laugh and she needed to see the person of God again to heal her stupid disconnect.

God happens.

Like I was biking through a barrier that I hadn't been able to pass, for nearly every day a month, without stopping and walking through or irrepairably falling from my bike! And I was having a really hard day. I was scared of my supervisors. So inadequate with everything. I hadn't had a brilliant meeting with the profs. And I had no idea what to do. I didn't know where the next day was coming from...

And it was raining. Conveniently. So the road was pretty empty and I was pretty broken. I cried. The tears sort of poured. And I figured - whatever, no one would know if they were tears or rain. I was crying a bit like the biblical Hannah too - and the random couple of passers-by looked, only to see me quickly shut my mouth and open again in a loud hum as if I were in the middle of song! And soon I arrived at the famous bike barrier.

And God says: 'Don't fall'.

Gobsmacked, I just sorta gasped and said 'Oh wow, thanks, Lord! You've just made my day so much better'. Obviously I didn't mean it at all, and I knew He knew. And I was sorta madly glad. So I carried on: 'I can't even cross this silly bike barrier without falling and you want me to do a DPhil and settle in and work?! And now you just... I dunno if I didn't know you better, it almost sounds like you're rubbing it in... But I trust you. And if you want me to learn another lesson today, then I know I probably need it'.

And God says again: 'Don't fall'. Quite clearly.

So I cast up a look at him, not in anger but more like a weepy-read-my-eyes-look, and hit the pedal.

And cross that barrier perfectly without stopping or slowing down for the first time in my life. I have never fallen since, with my eyes on Him.

And then God explained... 'cos He figured I was gonna take some time to work this one out... "Phil 4:13. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. You can do it but as long as it's my strength. Always. Keep your eyes on me. And you really can do it."

I didn't stop crying as I rode back in the rain. But I couldn't stop smiling either. Or laughing.

Glad glad glad

So here's a late-night two minute spew spree that had to get out:

I am in INdiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Can you tell? Extended my stay by a week. I haven't stopped eating since I stepped on that flight. It was deep fried prawn today, will be chenna idli tomorrow - anybody ever try this absolutely delightful southern Indian deluxe version of idli?! I used to call 'em pregnant idlis. Too true. And biriyani, and naan, and amma's curry and periamma's curry, and non-sweet corn on the cob, and MANGOES (God is good ;D).

And the family - the amma-appa-periamma. The dogs. Tassi makes this gorgeous grunt-purr when you carry her... And comfortably slumps into the crook of your arm, for you to roll her little sausage-body whichever way you please. Prince has learned the trick of late. He has the grand melancholy that afflicted the Romantic poets. I believe he would have had much in common with the likes of Byron etc. But not a lot to say, the poor darling. He is too overawed by the incessance of Tassi's talk. Talk, she does! The puplet has so much to say to Appa these days. I am not being an overly crooning, gushing pet-owner. She actually lets loos a stream of multi-tonal and elongated sequences of trills... they could be growls if the word did not carry with it such a measure of unfriendliness. Even when she tells people off for leaving her on her own, she grins.

Yes. Dogs grin. So there.

Well, the weather's brilliant. Rain is always ace here. And I like the excitement of thunder. But the sun is out every other day in its scorching intensity. Madras is Madras, you gotta love it.

So, interview done. Data ends tied up. A week of pure study to do. And I am sooooooooo unsure of how to deal with the stats. Anybody wanna volunteer to help? *Brave smiles* Please :D

I am now rather like chocolate cake - dark brown and lots of fat. There is much more to write about. Almost as much as there is to read - all my old friends of my girlhood are begging to be revived and they are! But oh, there's so much to do.

God, gimme grace.

Also - this persecution against Christian minorities that's been spreading in the nation for a time is sorta heavy on my heart... I have all these questions of what-if. Most of them are answered pretty quickly. I am so thankful for the family that I was born into. Even more thankful for the time when Christianity took on new meaning for me. Glad it was a personal and not a familial decision. Glad that it wasn't a lonely decision either - glad my parents were clued in too.

In the words of Pollyanna: I'm glad glad glad.

Helllooooooooo

No, grace is not a pretty picture. It involves the biggest messes humankind can imagine and then implement. But grace is beautiful. Like when you look in the mirror and you see that spot or blemish, the disproportionate features or the kinky hair or the need for a haircut or the need for some make-up or a need for something to take the tiredness away.... and still God looks into your naked eyes, still God sighs: It is good.

That is the kind of picture grace paints. Not the kind of glossed-over fashion magazine product. No, not pretty at all. But beautiful.

Would you believe it? I am still taking my time to get over whatever happened to produce my previous couple of posts. I believe it is a people I do not understand, and yet and yet and yet - I understand a few of them from that place. In a few, I saw sparks of recognition. I believe God is teaching me something very permanent from all this. I still have 'romantic notions' as Mrs Lynde would say if I were Anne. But there may not ever be a Gilbert - at least from my point of view down here. I learn too much from people and people learn too much from me, I suppose. I don't know what God wants in the area - so this is very human prognostication... But there has to be someone who is sure enough of what God wants to wait for me to be sure of God and of him - boy, that will take some patience! I mean I need to be sure enough of it all to let myself love. It's probably a shortcoming, but it keeps me safe and I'll stick with it. And only then would I be willing to consider beginning such a relationship - and you read and hear about people like that, but it will probably never be that way with me... particularly if it is true that opposites attract! LOL. I love logic, btw. So I still haven't fallen in love with anyone else since I was 10. And I've never fallen out of love with Him since either.

Meanwhile I am also a bit concerned about my studies. With all this it has taken a beating. I don't think such a thing has ever happened before. But I don't lay it entirely at this door. I think the main problem has been that as my supervisor put it: "We've gone about this the wrong way". And that observation came a whole term too late unfortunately. So I am left with the beginnings of ideas of what to do just coming up. And basic books I still feel I ought to read. And a whole assignment and a half completely un-upto-scratch!!! I was in this position at the beginning of my Master's thesis and I had three months to go. I now have one and a half and need to be slightly higher than a Master's level to sufficiently impress. I have come to the conclusion that 'worry' is the wrong word to use. I believe I can do it - I know how in a candle-light rather than a lightning-flash kind of way. But I know that I cannot do it. If that makes any sense.... I know that God is the one who will fight this battle for me. I am also greatly indebted to my parents and aunts. And often fight the feeling that I have let them down. But suddenly light shines - and I know that I am doing the best possible if I am doing what God wants!!!

In fact, it may not be the problem I think at all. And may be due to Oxford's special ways of dealing with teaching and guiding. From what I hear, everyone's just as worried and has been clueless, and they have not been living in 55G, have they? LOL. I miss P&ST and the Ms at church, especially J. She's become very dear to me and I know that she is growing up and things may change. I know that I might move from the place depending on how it goes. But I wish loyalty to 'A' church did not come before loyalty to God's family. That remains to be proven. But Bangor has stood me in good stead and made it very clear that I will always be family! So, I am more than blessed.

I have both my parents in a strong godly family, two aunts-like-parents, and then these surrogate mums and dads in Bangor and a grandmum for good measure!!! More people to tell me off - true.

I'm special

Me. Just me. I'm special!!!!! G-a-h.

Even in the most innocuous of situations, I have the uncanny ability to find a way to embarrass myself... It's a gift.

So we're all sat in this family gathering as is frequent this time of year, and my chitthappa whom I haven't seen for ages is visiting from the US of A. We were all glad to see him, and I was glad I'd made it to see him too. At least one part of this family winter migration I have managed not to miss. Ever since he went there, there's been a slight improvement in English I must say, because he probably has had to use it more intelligibly to people who are not used to our endearing errr nuances... We are Tamil. We seem to have a tendency to mix our ahs and aws. Well, a good number of us do at least. We also drop our aitches in the best British traditions since the East India Company saw the light of day. My uncle was vehemently denouncing this virus that had got into his software. All because someone stupidly gave the computer to some unlicensed bloke. So in answer to queries, and in emphasis, he repeated the name of this virus. And I was intrigued... I mean, I'd never heard a virus called that, it sounded quite racially derogatory. And my uncle seemed to emphasise the second word too! It was called - The White Horse virus.

And I said aloud what I'd heard to check. "White er arse virus???"

My mum and cousin laughed mercilessly. The rest of the family just ignoooooooooored me with what was left of all our collective dignity.



Well, I'll try not to be an ass next time, but thanks for listening.

Bridge

Hola mis amigos, tiempo sin verte!! I have missed my space and reverted to it occasionally in memory but never enough to long to sit down and hammer away...

I'm glad I'm back though, even though I didn't always know I was missing it. And hey, it hasn't been that long really on the surface. Just about three weeks or so. Not quite the 400 silent years, but hey my point exactly - who says they were silent, eh? So much (oh, you have no idea) has been going down, I'm rather lost as to where to start.

But I can start there. Trust me, it won't take long for my philosophising drivel to begin ;).

So in the gap I've been on a few learning curves and loved them. I was sitting in my room one day - well submerged under duvets, pillows and blankets and the warmth (okay, don't hit me) of a companionable laptop - and trying to break through... something, I didn't know what. I didn't even know I wanted to break through until that point, I think. What can I say? I'm strange! And it was quite clear: It is a dangerous distance when you don't know you're far. Distance can be deceptive and when you're furthest is probably when you can't gauge it! Scary thought. So usually I'm a God-break-the-barriers-I-want-to-get-there kind of person. But here I was thinking Ah well, love'll take care of itself. We can't be far from home anyway.

I'm glad I was found.

Con todo mi carino

P

In Love

Apologies however for my own clumsiness in presenting this fantasticity of grace (if you're new to my rambling, I allow myself to invent words...). If you found my last rather melodramatic, that was just me trying in my special clumsy fashion to get my point across. I meant it. The point is this - God loves. Yes, it is covenant love; yes, He asks us to respond. But none of that changes the fact this way or that - God loves. Not even the fact that God judges can change the fact that God loves.

And I am still being blown away by the fantasticity of grace... Sometimes it would seem as if God says to me: Do you love me? Then act like it.

I am rubbish at being in love, I suspect. And I use 'in love' warily. I must also be rubbish at loving. I act sometimes like a complete ass - a kiss at the door, one in the evening and no remembrance of love inbetween. Does God get used to hurt? Perhaps, but I doubt it. Whatever the answer, I'm willing to bet it still hurts.

So we were standing together in my little church belting out our love for the Lord. I have meant it, I do. But this Sunday, I just stood there half-grateful I knew enough to ask if I could be allowed to not lead tonight and just sit back in the meeting. And I was more than half-miserable knowing that I couldn't say I loved Him with all my heart and mind, knowing that I would love to be able to promise it with all the others who were smiling so gorgeously. But hating myself because at some level I was holding back (and I knew it) because I was afraid of hurting Him - again.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me - I don't have to go seeking after those highly desirable things... They follow me - can I whoop with joy now? Because as I stood there longing to be able to allow myself to sing that line, God spoke. And changed my life - again.