Laughter

I've got a random fit of the giggles... I'm thinking of stuff we said and did at meeting, or conversations I had with friends, or just laughable circumstances! And for the life of me, I cannot stop grinning.

I love it when I am happy in God and however much the storm may be brewing around me, the fact that we're in love keeps me smiling - to the point, that I annoy myself for acting rather idiotish! Recently I know my posts haven't been supremely sunshiny me. I apologise for the whining and the ranting. But hey, my space to abuse, as I seem to remember having said before. And I know you guys (the few of you out there) won't begrudge me my raving-lunatic act once in a while.

I am happy today and feeling more like myself in God than I have in a long time. The church question continues. I've been hugely lazy. If you've been following, you know something of what I mean (er, okay, humour me while I imagine a loyal readership ;D). But still the joy that being in his presence brings is simply the most gorgeous feeling I could think of. MK has always remarked on it... he's a pastor, so I guess he's allowed to peek at people when they wroship! It has always been there but recently I've been afraid it'll leave... I am pretty foolish in my image of God, I box him up and fit him into the (very square) corners of my mind - and every time, God breaks out of it and I am in awe. In fact, by now I know I'm limiting God and I know He is bigger... except sometimes it takes me a bit longer to feel it. What can I say? - I'm slow :P

So I have a deadline to meet and it's 2 am in the morning and I am considering a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon tomorrow and I cannot sleep or concentrate because I feel like jumping up into the father's arms and laughing with him. And I wouldn't exchange this for anything in the world.

Happy new year, everyone!


PS Grafxgurl, I really do want to respond to your more-than-generous tagging of me... This post-script is an IOU. Enjoy home doubly seeing as I can't be there! xx

Love

To be in Your presence, not rushing away, to cherish each moment, here I would stay...


Try as I might, I can't find who wrote that song but it holds me captive just now. It is all I want. Whatever might come, this one thing is certainty. He will hold you in the palm of His hands, so close to him that you are never out of his sight. He is in love with you. So t-o-t-a-l-l-y a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y in love with you... has been since the moment He first laid eyes on you. Even before you saw him or even came to be.

Just know that... :)

S'more Growin' Up

God loves me. So. Much. And every time I naively forget, He lets me know in no uncertain terms. Sometimes I forget to let myself be hungry enough for him that it can turn my world upside down and cause me to cry with an inside-pain that fills me with joy.

Having got that outta my system, I am only back after a couple of weeks but it could be a decade judging from at least the amount I think I've grown. I've learnt that within the church we can all be faulty and I've learnt that while I can hold onto the fairy tales and the goodness, not everyone wants to. And that that's OK. Really. I've learnt how some people can be racist - and that it can happen even when they are Christian. I've learnt instead of raging at the injustice, I can laugh at it. I need to rage too - but I need to know that I can make a choice of reactions, and that the choice need not always be the same. I've learnt how people can forget that they've been wrong. I've learnt how I can't always forget that about myself or about others and need to. Mainly about myself. Because when I go to heaven and order two cafe lattes and have that chat with God, it will probably go something like this:

Me: Jesus, you know on the 17th of May, at 11 o' clock...
God: Hang on, which May??
Me: 2008, of course. Well, anyway, you know what I said to Claire that must have really hurt her. I want to explain___
God: (interrupting and laughing pretty thunderously) Subiksha, I have no idea what you're on about!!!

In case, you're wondering - nothing was said that hurt Claire on that date and Claire is one of my best friends atm and I've shared the joke with her. However it is quite likely and easily verifiable that I have done and probably will do pretty damnable things. ANd God has actually chosen to forget all of them. Already.

So yes, I've grown up (although AB insists I grew down!). I didn't want to, and I hope to God I'm not all done yet as I quite like the Disney movies and the naivete. Especially the naivete. It's comforting. Although it's not that pleasant when you're shocked that Indian girls get drunk, Christians smoke, 'friends' can actually get jealous, Christians flirt not-so-harmlessly. Don't get me wrong - I am shocked at all of this and probably excuse it conveniently in myself. But yes, when it's there, the naivete is comforting.

I love you always!!

xxx

PS Hello, amma, BO, SD, Grafx, Ta'fxkz, DA, Skinny, Switchblade, LT and everyone else!!

In Love

Apologies however for my own clumsiness in presenting this fantasticity of grace (if you're new to my rambling, I allow myself to invent words...). If you found my last rather melodramatic, that was just me trying in my special clumsy fashion to get my point across. I meant it. The point is this - God loves. Yes, it is covenant love; yes, He asks us to respond. But none of that changes the fact this way or that - God loves. Not even the fact that God judges can change the fact that God loves.

And I am still being blown away by the fantasticity of grace... Sometimes it would seem as if God says to me: Do you love me? Then act like it.

I am rubbish at being in love, I suspect. And I use 'in love' warily. I must also be rubbish at loving. I act sometimes like a complete ass - a kiss at the door, one in the evening and no remembrance of love inbetween. Does God get used to hurt? Perhaps, but I doubt it. Whatever the answer, I'm willing to bet it still hurts.

So we were standing together in my little church belting out our love for the Lord. I have meant it, I do. But this Sunday, I just stood there half-grateful I knew enough to ask if I could be allowed to not lead tonight and just sit back in the meeting. And I was more than half-miserable knowing that I couldn't say I loved Him with all my heart and mind, knowing that I would love to be able to promise it with all the others who were smiling so gorgeously. But hating myself because at some level I was holding back (and I knew it) because I was afraid of hurting Him - again.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me - I don't have to go seeking after those highly desirable things... They follow me - can I whoop with joy now? Because as I stood there longing to be able to allow myself to sing that line, God spoke. And changed my life - again.

No Apologies

It's fantastic how God says in Jeremiah 3 to the backslider - 'Return and I will cure you of backsliding'!

It's not a mewling lover mourning loudly and Orsino-like about the love that has left him. No, it's not even an enraged husband staking all his glory and dignity on the wife who is unfaithful. It's not like a boss who suddenly clutches the last straw within his reach to save face - 'You can't quit! I fire you.' God is not mocked. And God is not dependent on anyone or anything. Neither is his love. It's not a you-love-me-I'll-love-you-back deal. It's not trashy or mushy or, in any way, weak. This is the kind of love that is stronger than death. I always used to wonder at the comparison - I mean why would you call death strong anyway, given the resurrection and the fact that we believe we're heading somewhere? But it's unavoidable, isn't it? This human death that is certain. The one thing that is surer is this kind of love. That, I guess, is why grace is amazing.

So my mind has just been blown away by that verse. And I'm glad of it. It's a love that God describes in so much passionate detail in the preceding verses. It sounds like he's crying, but he's not complaining. Sorrow but not shame. Remonstrance but not revulsion. Nothing can change it, he says. The only thing we can do is accept it - well, also reject it, but never change it. It makes me feel horribly helpless sometimes, and horribly ungrateful. And then I realise that he's actually doing it for himself as much as for me!! He just enjoys loving us and revels in extending mercy. He died just so he could have us and be with us. There is a heart full of sorrow and hurt, but the generosity remains. The vastness of a heart that is him - "though we are faithless, yet he remains faithful". Grace gives no apologies.

The Breaker-Down

Sometimes tongues are like a glass of cold water after your morning jog! When you're stuck because you can't say what went wrong and what came right, and you don't know where you want to be or go but you know you must leave this place you are in... Or when you're simply floored by being in love and wonder and peace...

Habit is a hard thing to break, especially the habit of thought for me... But God goes before you to break down and destroy what stands in His way.

I have just rediscovered Isaiah 45: 1-3 and I love it.

1 "This is what the LORD says to his anointed,
to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of
to subdue nations before him
and to strip kings of their armor,
to open doors before him
so that gates will not be shut:

2 I will go before you
and will level the mountains [a] ;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

3 I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Where I come from

I am always not quite sure what people are expecting when they ask me how I was saved. My testimony is dramatic in that all testimonies are - you're born again, how much more life-changing can it get. I am radically saved. But story-wise - I don't know. You decide. There is not much of a plot, climax and denouement. But God requires us to testify of His love (love that song!), so I'm going to do it here. Because although I've blogged for some time now, I've never properly introduced myself!

When I was 10, I must have been a bit of a pain. Telling my testimony to a worker at church this morning made me realise - I definitely had some attitude problems back then! I'm sure I still have a few :( My dad was first in our family. My mum was always the one who read more, and consequently read the Bible more... But I think appa was the first to realise there was something more to being saved. That God meant what He said about no one coming to the Father except through Jesus, and about being born again. So as my father was beginning to get more interested in a personal relationship, he started to play these tapes and CDs over and over and over again. This would eventually result in my mum or me walking out of the room at some point. Moreover, my father also looked disapprovingly on our telly interests which did not help. Still does not make sense. But eventually he and our neighbours convinced us to go to this evangelistic prayer meeting - big event in the city, lakhs of people arriving from different parts of the state and neighbouring cities, must go. So we did. The evangelist is still a very popular, though sometimes controversial personality!

When we were there, I was very impressed with the message and with some parts of the worship. I was a sceptical 10 as to worshipping God openly or personally so when the person onstage asked us to allow the Spirit to minister and lift our hands if we felt like it and just feel free, I opened one eye to see what my mother was doing! I felt like I wanted to lift my hands and say this prayer that he was saying as I did feel a gentle breeze just after the man prophesied that we would. But I was not sure how cool that was going to be - so I peeked. My mother was lifting her hand(s) in prayer - it was the first time I'd ever seen her do it. I have always been very influenced by my mum and then my dad. So I was intrigued. I didn't open my eyes after that but I prayed and I welcomed the Holy Spirit. And minutes before the preacher had said some of us would feel a gentle rain - I did! I thought that was brilliant. I was only little so I had no trouble believing God could and would make the weather obey Him. Jesus in the storm had always been my favourite story.

I am not being denominational at all. But that God and I could have a working relationship did not actually dawn on me before that time.

Not everyone felt the tiny drops but everyone felt the thunderstorm in an hour! The people had dispersed and everyone was walking home, when the rain poured. It was unexpected and since the meeting was on the beach, it was quite cold. They were going to remove my tonsils because it was pretty bad. Lol, I couldn't leave anywhere without carrying my mother's dupatta (a shawl about half the size of a sari) - and needless to say, I was facing major fashion crises. Unbeknownst to me, our neighbours were walking behind us and telling each other I was going to be healed. Our home was about ten miles away and we only had a motor bike. When we went to my aunt's house, she was out and her flat was flooded! So we borrowed a towel from her neighbour to dry my hair. And then we set off home on the bike. I was very wet and my parents were worried by this time.

We took one of the preacher's books home with us. I read that book for the next month. I still hadn't asked Jesus into my heart. I don't think I did that in conscious rebellion though. About a week or two later, my mother asked me if I realised I hadn't sneezed once since. I hadn't thought about it. She told me I was healed and I said 'Yeah, I am!' and replied at once that I was indeed ready for an ice-cream :D. It was probably quite a minor thing but hey, I was excited... :D

The healing and the saving happened in my life simultaneously I think, looking back at it. But the latter took a bit longer to materialise perhaps. And I get weepy every time I think about it ;D!

By the end of the book was a prayer for salvation. I said it. I believe it was the 5th of June '95. I asked Jesus into my life and told Him I wanted him to be a real part of it. I also promised him that I would be there at a certain time every day, just to spend time with him. Today's blog is part of that time! Gave my life to God and surrendered to the working of His Spirit. It's the best thing I have ever done in my life because today I can't imagine living without him. In fact, I don't think that's possible. I'm still completely in love with the God who's turned my life around!

Bubble and squeak

Here I sit in my little Christian bubble, using 'faith-speak' and hoping to speak to the uninitiated. I don't want to 'convert' people, I am not trying. Yet I am inadequate in expressing the vastness of a love that is beyond telling. A love that flows into you and makes you love other people. A love that is so strong that it changes the definition of 'unrequited', and always nullifies it.

When I blog of these feelings, are they too intensely private to share with everyone? I am not talking of this post at all. If they are, am I being exclusivist? I don't mind making this URL my little confession box of sins and non-sins. But I do mind making my visiting preachers feel left out in the cold.

Here I sit in my little Christian bubble, with the colours that make me happy, rolling around inured to the air around me. Maybe there is bubble-time and broken-time. I suspect God prefers broken. I break it, and I am me. As much me as I was inside the bubble. But bubble-squeak and bubble-gloss are gone. And the people happen.

Barking at a memory

Tassi, our 'middle' dog, is a feisty little dachshund. She is like one of those people who never run out of interesting things to say - interesting, at least to themselves (I wonder where she gets it from, not me for sure ;D)... So she's always talking, not just barking, but in a continued non-bark syntactic sounding sort of way. And she will never stop barking at people or animals outside our gates. Usually she calms down a while after they're inside the house - except for some people.

But I will write about Tassi in length, another day. There's a little story I want to tell. There is a family with three little boys near here. Whenever they visited, Tassi's whole day was ruined. Her world would crumble into dry, sour lemon flakes before her very beautiful eyes. She could get used to most people, but not the three boys. It must have been a season of peace for her when the sight of those three boys became a rarity. We loved them - they stayed here for hours, eating, hearing my mother's and my stories, playing with Shadow, chilling with my father, even sleeping on the odd occasion... perhaps to Tassi they were competition. Their presence was a bitter pill. To her, they had no right of entry. She felt victimised. I think we were good with her on that score - we made sure we petted her and played with her. I usually talked gibberish to her afterward so she'd understand my tone. I was basically asking her why she had to feel let down. It is inexplicable and extremely funny too - no one else had such an effect on her, and the three boys did not have that effect on any of the other dogs. They were just children, when she was a pup herself. They were therefore the enemy, a threat to her favoured position. She resented it, she was hurt, she was angry and she was not going to forget!

A few days ago, the oldest boy came over. I guess Tassi never did get over them. She had a lot to say. She stood at the gate and tortured herself by watching her hated enemy constantly; she denounced him, abused him, rebuked him. Maybe he wasn't the enemy at all. Funny. Because when S left, Tassi was allowed inside the house, to make up for her bad morning. She came in, the wrinkles on her worried little forehead and snout clearing cautiously. And then her eye fell on the armchair and she rushed to it in fury, her hair bristling along her spine! It was laughable - she was so cute and funny, but so nonsensical! It was the chair S had been sitting in. And she barked at that chair for all she was worth. Make amends she said - I was angry, redeem that time!! Perceptive little girl, she knew she would get a cuddle if we saw her hurt. Funny little sweetheart, barking at the old chair! LOL

I am like Tassi sometimes, barking at memories, old hurts, pain I carefully preserve to give myself a feeling of righteous victimisation. But I know my Redeemer lives.

me loves this pup

so i'm gorgeous - and?!



boootiful babess!!



soppy lil cuddler :D - that's what he does when he wants a cuddle. puts his neck down in the most uncomfortable way!

Ancient paths

I just read a post by 'Lord Veritas' called Heaven Without Christ and it hit home. Reminded me of something I have always held a dear cause... Why preach if you don't preach Christ? Surely philosophy and theory and opinion have their place - but I'm guessing people already know or have their own opinions about it. I am probably going to go off on a completely wide tangent here - but hey, hence this blog's convenient title ;) This is perhaps not a take on Lord Veritas' but just the expression of something it triggered in me - which is what good writing does.

I have a friend (whom I always seemed to be arguing with, until God decided I needed to hold my ahem peace!) - and he believes that God has called him to provide for the intellectuals. And that they can only be reached through expositions of philosophy. My issue with this friend is not that he is right in not including me in the band of intellectuals ;) but that he often makes assumptions of situations, that I (perhaps arrogantly) claim to know better of simply because I am in them. Sometimes even assumptions about being female, or being in my family - in good spirit, he explains what he believes is Truth. LOL Yes, he capitalises the T ;). But that is my point - I would only capitalise it if in reference to Jesus. Some things are absolutes - I live in a country that reminds me of that everyday. The Bible is. But there are interpretations and opinions that are militant against another's - they are not salvation-stealing or power-pilfering, but they are discounted nonetheless. I suppose I have been guilty of having rejected another's view summarily, without listening for God's take first... But in our urgency to give our truth to the people we meet, we forget to give God's truth; forget that at the foot of the cross the same God changes and speaks; forget that the Spirit's discernment is far more understanding than our own. And we are also guilty of universalising personal revelations - no, we do not just share them. We 'absolutise' them. To me, the Bible remains the bottom-line on drawing lines... as does the God of the Bible. No, I am not speaking for those arguments that allow and liberalise everything the Bible says - face-value is not dispensable in our search for depth, is it?

I am, in fact, arguing for the ancient path. I am no post-modern, although there are remnants of truth in nearly every philosophy. I don't entirely hold with co-authorship... I long and hope that the Author will speak sooner than the readers of the Text. But that capitalised Truth? Lol, I believe we will find it here. Here in India, I belong to a church that because of its structure has someone at the top giving it its sermons. And because of its structure, there are several visiting pastors and theologians who preach. Theologians who preach philosophy... forgive me for the pun on those two words, but the wisdom of man is foolishness to God, and vice versa...

Many times you will find me ranting on the opposite side of the track (I have said I was a BoC) - that face-value foolishly forsakes the Spirit for the letter, but not when the Person is lost for the principles. The reason Christianity is different is because it is personal. In my responses to my Muslim students who chose to take the offensive on quite a few occasions, the one point at which they balked is when I told them fuss-free that I knew this fantastic, wonderful, entirely lovable and so-let-down-able Jesus - and that He loved me even more. And the gospel of Christ and the cross, God's love and sacrifice cannot be compromised. God's love not ours... I think that our relationship with Jesus is the centrifugal force that gives our Christianity its validity. Call me old-fashioned. I probably am. But the Bible is never out of fashion. And the Bible has copyright on love, not you or me. When I think of 'old-fashioned-ness', it's not about ideals and values - fashions are much more about the self.

Yet in my worship and in my meditation - if life and truth are not real, then I have lost my way.

Dunamis

I think it must be a largely Indian thing to favour PG Wodehouse - few of the non-Indian members of my acquaintance do...

God has been doing quite a few things in my life lately. Tomorrow will be 12 years since I accepted Jesus as Lord - AND Saviour - and said Welcome, Holy Spirit... And how gorgeous and exciting that feels, and still promises to be is something words fail me for...

I read this thing from a friend - and it quoted 2 Corinthians 12:9.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

But it brought home to my mind the fact that the Greek word used for 'strength' there is actually dunamis - dynamite, of course. Wow! So I'm this weak, confused, insecure little thing one moment - but I ask God's power in, allow it to work and wham! I'm a force to reckon with. One little power-package! It's not just a quiet strength, it's explosive. Don't get me wrong - the quiet confidence speaks volumes more than the striving, point-proving argument... But if it is a quiet strength - in the midst of all your troubles and your decisions, in the midst of that
'whelming flood'
of yours - you know that there is a potential shell-shocking, earth-shaking explosion in it, for just when you need it.

I also read Psalm 119:25 -32 and it hit home as the Bible always does. Thought I'd share it with you.

I have been faced with many decisions lately - I need a whole train-load of wisdom for all of them. They all seem so inter-twined too. I also need to get a few needless worries out of my head ;) Thanks, BO, SD and AB for your prayers. Keep at it. God gives us the best always - I need to be able to listen - VERY carefully - and obey.

Love and prayers all,

pilgrim

Fruit of the Spirit

I know that I have subjected you, dear reader (I told you I had a Bronte complex, just be glad I didn't go with 'gentle reader' :P), to a recent prolificacy (I checked and that word does exist :P) of short spurts of creativity... And I am probably going to do it again. Maybe you're better off without the longer, rather interminable rambles ;)

God taught me something, gave me a flash of insight that I am deeply grateful for. There are nine qualities or virtues listed out in the Galatians 22:5,6 bit. But the collective noun for them all in that sentence is 'fruit' and it is singular. I spotted this a few years ago and quite predictably, being the inimitable if slightly patience-testing me, I thought Aha! Grammar mistake - probably a typo!! Call Zondervan! LOL. But in a few more moments I realised God definitely meant for it to be that way. God was saying something - immense yet succinct. I was not exhibiting the fruit if I failed in one of it. I could not ever take it all at one go and be the super-Christian. And I realised it only came as a fruit of the Spirit. God was who I had to seek.

Time has taught me that spending time in His presence, seeking intimacy with Him, just loving Him and learning to love Him makes that fruit happen. See, I can't take and mould the creation out of clay like God did... all I can do is water the vine it falls from :D Well, what can I say... I'm thick and it often take me some time to figure it out ;) His presence brings His glory among us.

But the recent insight was a little bit deeper. There was this moment when I suddenly realised with a hard little catch that I had lost a little bit of the joy. It was only a brief period, but as thoughts go, I then realised I had also been a bit worried and nervous all day. The thought hung in the air before it took shape inside my slightly foggy brain - I knew it was going to be born. LOL.

So I'd lost my peace. Then I saw how the love had gotten chipped away too. And faster than I knew it, I finally grasped what God was saying. I have never realised how dependent they are. Without peace, my heart was not going to be as joyful. Without love, the irritability and not the calm surfaced. Patience (which I dearly need) allows peace, kindness patience... For instance, self-control will not let me act on selfish impulse, it spells patience and peace and love and gentleness and faithfulness...

I am no goody two-shoes. My friends and family will vouch for it ;D I might still take it upon me to tell little M to cut it out - but she will know and I will know that I care, and she doesn't take more than a few minutes to come back and ask if she can visit. As it is, for those who are interested, she has been invited to visit and made arrangements even before she was asked... Let's see if today finds me watching Lion King or the likes and enjoying myself hugely :D.

Lord, You are beautiful. Thank You for being You. You're just fantastic, and thank You for us!!

PS Not quite as short as you'd hoped, eh? ;P

And the gift goes on

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You can always bring the blame back to yourself. It is good to admit responsibility, but to take it on is not possible. Simply because like I said, I find it easy to always trace something back to an action of my own. And that's why Jesus took it on. The error is mine, the temptation from outside of me, but the redemption is from Jesus.

I am sorry. I won't do it again. But thank You for paying for the consequences...

It's the best any of us can do, whether it's a word out of season or even hatred against someone.

PS I must remember that nothing and no one can claim any part of me when God claims all of me. Politeness comes second, I think :) We are His to give to the people He chooses, and I am thankful for the people He has given to me.

PDAs

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Yesterday, I had a sudden 'moment of consciousness' (not quite Virginia Woolf though)... Who am I kidding? Love is stronger than death - true. But it is still a choice - yes, even if you are head over heels in love with someone as well as loving them (slight difference there ;D ). Love is an act, and if you don't or cannot show it... you are doing a rubbish job at loving someone.

This brings to mind something I did not think I would blog about. It was a random conversation with my mum about public displays of affection. Many Indians look on it as 'wrong' even. I am a borderline Indian, I suppose :O - I think public displays of affection can be cheesy and stilted and superficial, and many things are meant to be private. Agreed. But, within the bounds of public behaviour codes, it should be a very natural thing. The reason I take this stand is many Indians are quite ashamed and embarrassed by any open affection particularly between spouses... Wouldn't that offend you? That someone didn't want to accept loving you? Quote me right - affection, NOT steaminess :D LOL But public displays of affection (PDAs as I have heard them called) have been around since eternity and the greatest, heart-tugging-est one came about 2000 years ago from a Man who wasn't a man... Yet He was the perfect Man, the ideal from whom any man worth his salt (or woman for that matter) must take their cue. He was honest. He declared Himself. He wooed me when I would have run away and thrown His love back in His face. He doesn't just ask once or twice or even three times, He keeps asking and keeps forgiving. And then, yeah, the PDA I was talking about - He said He'd die for me... and He did. On a cross. In front of a laughing, weeping crowd. Maybe they were laughing at His foolishness. Maybe I did. It was the best thing He could have done. And He did it.

But we do it all the time. We downplay how much we love somebody and then believe our own lies. Imperceptibly at first. And then slowly a moment of consciousness comes - it may not take too long. But the truth is that, for however short a time, we have forgotten the choice to love. To spend time with them. To give of ourselves to them. We break promises and make loopholes to tell ourselves we haven't, not really. When it hurts is when you see that one side of the covenant is constant. So when I keep saying I love Him, but there is more time in my life for nearly everything else... what do I really mean? The message He gets is the message I'm giving. Sure, we talk and discuss every little incident of the day. We make notes to each other about every little moment. I say I love Him - and He means it. I do too, but I forget so often. And because it hurts, even once is too often. But I love Him - my first love - with every bit of me there is to love (or not to love :) ). I couldn't imagine a life without Him. But I know love is also an act, a choice, not just an emotion - and I forget it far too often. Recently I haven't done too well - not that I am very good usually. He brings me to reality always. But let's just say, I have learned the importance of time for the One you love, not just with Him.

So I say again, for the nth time on this blog, Lord Jesus, I am head over heels in love with You - and I am finding it's the right way up :D

Ezekiel 47:9

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I know, I know...

I said I would tell you all about my flight and my little airport miracle (well, my big and God's little, rather...) Or did I not mention the miracle factor? Tsk tsk, should you not always allow for it anyway? So (pilgrim said conveniently, letting herself off the hook), it is not as if I let some fat, skulking cat out of a dark, tied-up bag - the miracle factor with my God must always be reckoned with ;)

But I'm not here to blog about that really. I think I have said it to so many people and many of them had been praying it in, that I am now considering resorting to the lowest, scummiest act of all un-bloggerly acts... (drum roll as suspense builds, a crash of drums, a flash of light...) COPY and PASTE... and the fact that I am telling you of it bears witness to the kind of blogger I am. I am a blab, a blab-blogger, a blablogger... Sigh. Groan. Sigh. Giggle. Before I start shooting off with even more absurdities, perhaps I should inform you that I am writing at an unearthly hour of the morning, with the prospect of an early wake-up call to church, and the final shred of the remnants of the jet-lag excuse already dragged away from my unwilling fingers. I see it's retreating back with sorrow - now my only reason is that I have the hours of an owl (I do try to be wise, I promise).

I shall now shut up with the ridiculousness and progress to matters of more serious import - mainly, isn't God just brilliant?? I mean, ain't He simply fantastic!!! Don't you let anyone tell you any different either :D

And also this blablog is most probably my reaction to this blog I found (nominated for best design etc :O) by "lemonade" called withnowheretogo.blogspot She was spieling (in a very interesting and engaging sort of way, of course, being the great blogger she is) about how she was thinking about whether she would ever get to live a 'full' life... Hmmm, now that is just waiting there and asking to be challenged :D I sort of empathised with the rest of her statement... Yes, if I ever do have a husband, I want a 'drool-worthy' husband too - and I don't just want twin boys, I have a whole list! And yeah, he'd better be the fleshed-out Darcy and Gilbert Blythe and ... well, no. He can be him so long as he's nearly perfect (perfectly imperfect too) and just exactly the guy God wants for me... And no, I'm not hunting down Colin Firth look-alikes, I'm thinking more God-chasing, intelligent, listening, focussed, and in-love-enough-to-ask-twice-or-wait (like my fictional heroes, as I am being very PC here) kinda guy! nah, my needs are simple ;) And yes, I want kids that ask interesting questions maybe... The kind that'll enjoy my mum's make-believe series... They might even play cricket with my dad and enjoy his gadgets, without the interests being mutually exclusive. Yes, they will also throw tantrums so that suddenly I can be the hard-put-upon 'mother person'... Lol, actually maybe I won't do that deal, I might end up giggling! Oh, throw a career in too - and with the adorable kids and husband and already-lovable family, I will not look haggard and baggy-eyed, I will look like front-page material. LOL. Seriously though I do not walk around all moony-eyed and saying 'Wherefore art thou, Romeo?' or any such sap! It annoys me when people assume one must be looking, if you are single; or that you must be looking for a husband sooner or even eventually. I don't actually pine at all. LOL. And I'm up in arms in a trice if anyone is on about being dependent! But I am not being sarcastic at all here - I am dreaming and no, any dream will not do!

The trouble is I don't want any dream. I don't even want mine (above included) if they are misguided. I want the vision...

So do I not have a full life? I do. Absolutely. The fullest of full lives you could possibly expect to live. And it's because fullness of life doesn't come from a husband, gorgeous or otherwise, or a fast-paced career, or a perfect family... I haven't got any of those. The first I just don't see in sight. The second I suppose I have weighed in the balance. The third we are simply not. We are not perfect, but we are a family and that is certain. And I love us. I have also found 'us' in other parts of this little globe and I still love 'us'. But I have fullness of life in Christ like the Bible speaks of... and this is probably why I have never actively desired the money or the 'success' by the yardsticks of the world today or the husband or the ideal height-weight-ness (;O) or the general picture-perfectness (you get my drift)... because I already have and have had for some time and find it hard to replicate or add on to this abundance of life that I have been given. It's an Ezekiel 47:9 kind of life and it's definitely here!

Less space more distance

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We are strange people. We chance upon other equally strange people somewhere along life's quirky road between potholes and motorways... They fit in to our path, theirs is parallel. But along the quirkiness that I have already mentioned is life, they embark on the motorway stretch or the rough mudtrack... and suddenly we don't have space for them any more.

See, we have this picture of life mapped out like a board game in a perfect square... the dice throws a fortune or a folly, a friend here, a relationship there, a career just on that third row, the fourth square... The way we figure, anything else, any earlier or later or higher or lower or even slightly to the left, will spoil the winning formula to the final square. So we pick our strange counterparts - squares with similar dimensions, instrumental in the gameplan. And then the inevitable happens... someone's edges might get rubbed off, or they just might choose to be a different square, or you might choose to be a different square even! Suddenly they are not the square any more. And you know and they know perhaps that you will not have space left on your little square board game that must fit into its little box. You will choose not to have space left. Distance becomes the abiding rule. The race now, of course, is for who gets to create the distance first. The faster and further away you move, the surer you are of winning.

Yes, well, what would happen if ever you have to face that your edges are just a bit out of line with your game? Ah well, we make our rules...

A big long sigh and a few giggles

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This is going to be a hard one to write. Nevertheless one must endeavour and I am convinced I shall write it (although I will probably come back for a hundred edits but no one must ever know I told you that!).

This is only my second night and already we have had a family ahem 'argument'. You think you've grown up and then things hurt that shouldn't, and you think - gosh, where has all that change flown to?!

My father called me out to discuss something. Ominous words those, as you can guess. I just brought my worship music out to keep playing and was summarily told by my appa to put it off as it would distract him. Little things like that now suddenly I find even more strange... not because I have a problem with authority (I know when I do unfortunately :( ) but simply that it is something I would never think of telling someone else. I would probably hold on for a couple of minutes and then if it really really ran my head in a tight twist I might suggest it. But that was only little and my father is really amusing like that. And he's so funny when he says 'it's for me' but you know, if you didn't want to do it, he wouldn't be so obliging! And it's just like me!!! In so many ways! So I did really laugh then. But later - I really wanted to cry and I wished so much that I had that outward aid of focusing my mind on God - it's only a prop, but I have had a hard time tonight. I think we all have had. If God weren't hugging us in our individual, in-all-probability-self-imposed miseries, He might be amused at our thickness...

But we were talking about a huge decision that appa and amma seem to have taken. Tomorrow the ad will be in the papers to sell our house which I've lived in for nearly all my life (if you count the last two years too, lol!). Not something I was anticipating, at all LOL. Ah well, like I always say, at least life's never boring:D I have been provided for by miracles sometimes. And I have tried to help. But my father I believe is hurt that he cannot give and others give. This is strange to me because part of it is scholarship money and part of it is the bank and part of it is simply the family of God in fantastic ways. And hard as I panic when I am waiting on God, I still cannot believe appa is responsible for the fact that God provides. But I have never lacked - I have never not had enough and needed to ask for it from people. But the provision has always been just in time. My parents have been running out of money for sometime. Yet God provides in an amazing way but I think appa feels day-to-day faith is okay but perhaps just maybe he is not being responsible enough. I understand - and being humbled is hard. Appa then said "So we, as a family, you, me and amma have taken this decision and we agree don't we?"

LOL LOL LOL

Earlier on in the conversation he had said it was amma's insistence that made him tell me. And I'm thinking Hang on 'ere! So in a month when the house is sold you will tell me to pack my bags because we're moving??? It is ridiculous, isn't it?! But it hurts like a tweezer pressed on the ripest point of a tumour! And I am even finding it a bit ridiculous and funny that it hurt like that... but maybe it has a purpose in leading me to find out what God wants of me next... And he then told me that in his day his parents would take the decision and the children would silently pack their bags and follow without a moment's notice and no questions asked. If they heard, they would know. If not, so there... Appa has so often brought up to me this idea of his father and how he thinks life can be ordered the way thatha might have had it. Military, no questions asked, charge without counting consequence, no involvement, friendship or accountability. It didn't matter when I was growing up and I couldn't be called a child anymore... LOL, it still doesn't matter when I'm considering whether to believe people when they say I'm all grown up :O But you know, maybe it has always been my fault that I expected more... that I always looked forward to the day that my father would maybe treat me as someone-who-would-understand... It didn't bother me when he was like that until, long ago, a paying guest in our house was called to the table to 'discuss' things. Said paying guest being my age and she and I having been chatting on the sofa until that point. She did not know the language yet - I was her teacher. However, when she asked if I couldn't come and help, my appa simply said "No, she won't understand, she's only little... I don't want to involve her". I take full credit for being 'only little' - I was seventeen or eighteen I think :) And I still haven't become a 'big' girl... Siiiggghhhh

Anyway back to business - it has often been like that with appa. it is as if he suddenly never saw me! I suppose I must be like that to him too. I must be completely unsympathetic and I must seem immature to him - actually, this I must seem to both my parents. The trouble is I don't know why, and every other person I am with, if I am immature to them - I know it.

But it wasn't just that. Some other things were said that hurt. And I had no idea. And at this point, I don't know which hurt more then - the fact that my father said and thought what he said and thought or that my mother just couldn't accept that my reaction was a hurt one! To me, it seemed painfully obvious that I would react that way. To my mother, apparently, not. And I was not angry - and my mother who I usually assume understands, believes I was. I know some of you know me - BO, GJ, AB etc... But I'd just like to say for the record - when I react immediately, it isn't always because I am angry or defensive. It is simply because I have verbal diarrhoea or that I am stressed or like a complete idiot I actually want to let you know that this flippin' hurts and I'm wondering, like the beautiful non-grownup I am :O, whether God will use someone listening there to make it go away! I felt so small and tiny and all I wanted to do was go back to my room and listen to KK's Spanish worship music again. But I only moved to do this when everything was nearly over and my head was splitting in a pounding headache and I could see no point in trying to drive it home that 'we-including-me' did not, in fact, take the decision my father then off-the-bat-ly said we had 'all' agreed upon. But amma took it that I was just 'reacting' and protested. Maybe it was just that she panicked and didn't want to let me go off when she hadn't made me feel better - maybe she was being 'mum'-ish. But she couldn't have - and all I wanted then was to be alone with God... But hey, we're all messed-up humans and even worse communicators so it was probably me that got that wrong...

Appa also says 'I know this is the will of God... why not let me be happy in doing this and why not believe me when I say this is the will of God... because I have tried everything else... if it is not the will of God, you should tell me... if it is not the will of God, some man of God will tell me...
...' And I'm thinking Woah, do you hear yourself?!

Mixed signals and then I get told off again on this count - I am partly responsible here because I said unless God specifically told me to 'GO and TELL' or He made His sovereign will (as in command-ish) I would never tell them if God revealed something to me... simply because it would complicate matters further and God can redeem. Also having been told that I was in danger of believing myself the only one who hears from God (and amma and appa argued on this one! LOL while I killed mosquitoes and tried to stop crying so annoyingly!), I did not think they would want me telling them. Also having been told that amma got annoyed (unknown to me LOL... I was well amused when my appa described that as he has a clever knack of putting things in very laughable ways that sticks to him albeit in a different tone even when he is angry) that I kept repeating that if I didn't know, I was going to wait on God... I really did not think it was a good idea to take it on myself to be the happy bounder and tell them unless I was meant to! But I was being cautious and, as can be expected, appa said but this is a family - and you discuss things - and you're not being accountable for each other and engaging with each other as people in a family do. By this time, I was hurt and amused (impossible state) to do anything else but sit there instead of saying 'Exactly'! But I was so blessed because even with me being flippin' me - I didn't argue or say things I could have now regretted or say anything that wasn't right in the eyes of God. So obviously the whole of the three hours! Unfortunately me being an Indian family member - I did raise my voice, as we were all talking at once - as, of course, you do ;O LOL

Anyway I am sorry I offloaded all of this on you - whoever is reading this! You didn't stop by for a whine! But I came back crying 'I want to go back already and even more today' - but I ended up listening and I know He's right, of course, I can't run away. And I know tomorrow I will enjoy my parents' company and love having the dogs around... They are gorgeous, my puppies! I also know there is a reason He's brought me here and, at least the ones I know, I'm waiting to fulfil.

Tomorrow I will tell you all about my flight maybe... Today my head just needs paracetamol, no contact lenses and to 'be still and listen'...

Love y'all

pilgrim

Tuesday and backlog - and 'being' ...

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This is what I wanted to blog on Tuesday but there was so little time and I didn't want to use RM's internet more than I already had.

It is so hard to leave.

It is - so - hard - to leave!

Now that I have left I know it is and it still is but I am glad glad glad to have given my mum and dad those hugs and had the girl talk with my mother! And the dogs are more gorgeous than ever. I have just got here and haven't unpacked. But now I want to go and spill all to CK in BCC and tell her all about it and BO too... ah well, the Lord may see fit to send me back sooner than later :D I am so blessed to be here now - home, like I've said before, is to me being in the centre of God's will.

Last week, the family prayed and CK told me that she felt God saying to her I really needed to 'be still and LISTEN' - so basically, I need to shut up and pay attention. I thought I was doing that very well but after this word, God brought to me an awareness at the points where I wasn't. At one point over the laughable manicness of the past weeks, I was slightly weepy at moving so often and asked where I could find myself staying put finally - and this grouchiness over only three weeks of nomadic-ness! And it was then that God showed me that the problem with these moves - as opposed to others in my life - was that I was not settled or 'being still' which I could well be even if I moved locationally and geographically! Simple point - forgetful brain! And I knew that the devil was trying to pervert what was actually obedience. The key to that command to BE STILL follows in the same verse - it's knowing that He (Jesus) is God.

Full Circle - and some

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That link up there is another amazing passage in the Bible. He knows what the dark holds. He knows. Makes me want to cry and dance and hug Him and... shout... and cry again!

Not long ago in my ahem short span of life so far I experienced a reaction to my own race that wasn't exactly the most favourable. I have ranted in other blogs about the whys and the why nots. I am not going to rant here because God's brought me full circle. A couple of weeks ago I went to my first Tamil fellowship here, and I've been meeting Indians all over the place and they have been a blessing in many ways ... A restoration (it's ongoing at the moment) of my faith in my kind :)

Don't get me wrong and I have no wish to offend :). I love my family and friends back home in India - and funnily enough, nearly all of them happen to be Indians! But some of my friends reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about and it has hurt. It still hurts to think of it. But there is a certain restoration of trust and chipping away what little rancour there may have been that I am very grateful for.

I went to a couple of fellowships around the valleys. Everyone had questions about what I was doing and where. Inevitably I had to tell them that I was not going to be regular, and the questions were answered fluidly. I laughed (sometimes I had to blink away the quick lacrimation, lol) and told them I didn't know and hopefully I was going to find out. One darling little lady whom I was meeting for the first time and whose shoulders came just up to my own not-too-high hips gave me a hug that was so warm and tight - it was like she was holding on to me and letting me feel that she meant it. I was surprised by the unexpected firmness of the frail thing. Just one of the many lovely Welsh people, I have met. I know some of these people will pray for me too.

I am looking forward to going to India. I have thought about the big hugs I will give and just what I will say to some people. I have thought about how I will try to be nicer to some others. I've also noted that I may not have to actually try with quite a few because maybe I have grown up a teensy-weensy bit.

I am looking forward to going home. Because it is in God's perfect will and I have received confirmation of it both much before and immediately after it was done. And because home is where God wants you to be and learning that has helped me over 'homesickness' over these couple of years.

I am scared of going to India. Or rather there are moments when I have doubts - not about whether it's the right thing but about my ease in some situations. Because I don't know for how long I'm going to be home in India or whether I'm coming back or when... And I know that answer will not be sufficient for all the Indians I meet with. My answers to questions about why I am leaving this job indefinitely, about what I am going to do next, about how long I will stay in the town, about when I'm going to post a flippin' matrimonial ad... The why and the when questions... I have dealt with not knowing the answers, I have even found peace in it because God is good and He's a great teacher:). But I don't know and Because I feel God want(s/ed) me to, I know He does... will cause a reaction that while I picture with amusement, also makes me sad.

I know just how those brows will be raised and the heads will be cocked. Some of them will laugh as if I was making a joke. I admit I do laugh at it sometimes - and I will laugh with them :D. But I'll be stumped when they continue No, seriously, what next?? It is sometimes harder because Indians have their lives planned very well. I admire the focus - I have done exactly the same. Would do too again, if I had the chance. But given the way things are, my (informed) guess would be that there would be this niggling compulsion that will not go away if I ignored what God is obviously trying to do. There are times and people when and with whom God allows plans to work out and life to go as seen in the mind of the liver. He has done that so many times - down to the tiniest detail in my life - because that's how much He cares. But you know what, there are times when you just don't know and the sailing's easier because neither the mapping nor the navigating are in your hands. It's your holiday and if you're wise you'll enjoy it - because worry as you will, the ship will go its course.

Is that easy I wonder for the well-meaning 'uncles' and 'aunties' as we like to call them there to take in? Actually it might be worse for the younger people. People my age will all have their lives in order and be looking for the next degree or the next qualification or the next career move or the next life change. Yeah, but what d'you mean, you don't know? Or a few moments later So you've applied and you're waiting huh? Because they are sure they want that near-perfect (let's be realistic now) life they ordered. I wonder... does it make sense to you when I say yes, my life is perfect quite often, and it is definitely what I ordered, but I don't know what it is? Let's just say I ordered the Chef's Special Best...? No, actually, I really do mean I don't know it all. It is not a metaphor for not knowing which University or which job... I am waiting, but not for results... I am waiting on God. I have some answers and I feel soooo blessed with those. I don't have others - I feel equally blessed. If it does make sense to you, drop me a note or even a hug :)

Yes, I am looking forward to going home. Because even if I know my father and I may not agree, and I know I am going to be a lot more individually demanding than I used to be perhaps, and I know my mum might find it all a bit taxing, and I know I might need to find a church, and I know I am entirely unsure of how many of my friends I will fellowship with considering the number that have left, and I know it will be so good to feel my dad giving me a good hug, and I know I can touch my dogs' wet noses again, and I know my mum's cooking will be great and we can talk on the sofa instead of online all hours... and even if I know there is a lot I don't know and that it is quite something to know and have known what God's chosen to show... I still know it is home, because of family, friends, love but more importantly what I have said before - home is in the centre of God's perfect will.