Wanting

Writing is good for the soul to recoup and remember itself. That's why I'm here, now. I'm quite frustrated with my social skills just now - they tend to oscillate between extremes. I either completely disconnect or entirely make an idiot of myself by blabbing. Well, here I am and I have a lot I could say but don't know how or don't want to say it.

Firstly I think that I will move from this location in cyberspace. Getting too familiar. Having to explain myself far too much and far too little.

Another observation out of the thin blue air in Oxford (it's usually grey here ;D) - I think I am too wary of hurting myself. As AP would say - suck it up, princess. It's a good thing to be cautious but I think it's quite important in making friends or loving people to allow yourself to be vulnerable... Haha! Not because it's got great pay-offs for you at all but simply because that's what Jesus did. Bleugh for the pay-offs, you do really just end up getting hurt, but you make an investment and you will gain more than you risk... So I am just philosophising to convince myself here anyway - you guys knew all of this before of course...

I have that writing feeling again and I don't want to let it go. There are too many things I haven't done to let this be one. I haven't learnt music and other languages - and now I'm stuck without the resources for either. I didn't insist on techie courses and now again same posish. But I will do. I will do.

In the meanwhile, I keep saving up only to go and blow it on the perfect but perfectly non-life-saving item on sale... Are we all paradoxes? Do we all have major reactions and projections in our psyche that make us completely inexplicable - and might I add, annoying? Like do we all disengage ourselves when all we want is to be in? Do we all insist we can't expect love when all we want is for someone to tell us we can?(PV's been on my mind a lot lately). Do we all make ourselves want just the kind of thing we've hated all our lives and do we then hate what we really want because we can't have it? And how does he (him upstairs I mean) deal with it day in and day out? I know the answer, it just makes it all the more amazing, that's all.