Room 101

Okay this is going to be one of those '101' things I just can't GET and which drive me insane!


1. When you meet an Indian acquaintance, and you do the mandatory hug and they say "Oh it's been aaages" and you go "Yeah, I know it has, hasn't it? How are you??? Soooo glad to see you" and generally gush because Q.E.D. they have just brought it to your notice that it has been ages - why oh whyyyyyy do they then turn around and say "Why have you come back?" as if they were enquiring about a terminal illness of a mutual acquaintance!! I mean - how rude is that?! And why should I not be in India if I want to? And why do they then follow it up with "When are you going back?" Can they be any ruder? And they're mostly the aunty-uncle grade, with all the best intentions for a 'successful future'. It's just us who think it's a downgrade to be back in our country! Gah! I have extreme reactions to some of the sub-species. I feel like reaching out and yelling and clawing my hair apart and giving them a tight one, and just laughing with the absurdity. Thank goodness I'm not the impulsive kind. My mum and dad would have had to move a long time ago...

2. Nighties and sneakers. This one always makes me laugh. I mean okay you need a daily walk, or run or whatever it is that fights that fat, sister. But give over the fashion statement. Saris and sneakers are alliterative but secondary offenses.

3. Bad grammar, bad spelling... It just means you haven't read over what you've written or thought about it. I mean you can do without grammar if it makes sense. Phrases instead of sentences. Stream-of-consciousness writing. Okay, I can handle it. But don't ask me to "Let she open the window". Just don't. Okay. And if you do know the rights and the wrongs of it, please see the humour of the mistake with me. Thanks.

4. Getting told to do the same thing twice or three times over. Enough said on this one!

5. Why do people in Inner Circle (that's a socio-linguistic term) countries like the USA and UK etc assume that if you speak English and did not grow up on their native hemisphere, you must be some sort of prodigy???! Did they think the colonisation was just a dream (bad or otherwise) that lasted a couple of days? Or do they not see that people are more cross-cultural now? I mean get out of it.

6. Talking to me when I'm reading or just generally monosyllabic. I am probably in a moodswing or in deep introspection. If I were you, I'd leave the grouch to herself... she deserves it.

7. People who agree with me and start the sentence with 'No'. 'I think the hype's a bit much.' - 'Noo noo, they are over-reacting'. Er, YES, some people do that. Arrrgghhh. If you agree with me, just come out and say it! I do ;D.

8. When different is assumed bad - keep guidelines if you choose to see the world in a dichotomy. Or even if you choose to see part of it as one. It is I think. I do. Mine's the Bible. But not everything different is bad - not everyone who eats with their hands is unhygienic, and not everyone who goes out to a club for recreation is amoral. I'm sorry - different cultures, different rules. Live with it.

9. Indian public toilets. There's more usage outside those Corporation walls than inside. Again - when you're entirely modest and conservative with everything else, whyyyyyy this???!!

10. People who ask me how I manage my food. In a commiserating tone. Round eyes, shaking heads, and "Must have been very difficult. But you get 'our' ingredients easily, lai??" To which I always replied, "Er not really. It was rather on the expensive side." Then they'd say "Appo then how did you manage??" Errrm, I ate what was readily available? And liked it and survived? And if I thought about idly once in a long while, I didn't starve for it. Again I can't get the "Can you cook?" question. No, I can't or rather don't a lot. But I survive. And yes, I can put something together if I wanted to. Comprende?

11. This must be a tangent to 10. I CANNOT understand mothers who want cooking machines for their sons. Can she cook? Veetu velaiyella seivalaa??? Flippin' rubbish. Annoys me the sort of stuff people look for in finding brides and grooms. Nothing against arranged marriages. And I've known Casanova-wannabes also start off the stalking with the brilliant pick-up line 'So you can cook, huh? I'm sure you'll do better than me.' I don't know - many women would take pride in their culinary skills but so would men - and don't flippin' assume I can cook and better than you. It's the pressure, eedjit!

12. Dog-haters.

13. What makes me really grumpy, although if I'm with someone I just have to laugh! - the fact that India is slowly converting to the Western style of toilets... Errrr I have no problem with either EXCEPT that ummm India tends to wash and Europe and America tend to dry-clean!!! And the toilet goes with the territory. I hate hate hate yucky, wet WCs as we call them here - and I just don't understand why they won't have both like the good old days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Finally I am a nice person. Really. Just now and then on the occasional night, when the time's right I become a monster of insane intolerance... in the cyber world. Fiiinneee, don't believe me!