Testimony

There is something I have been longing to testify about for a few days now - I knew I would write about it when it was over... But how!

Five days ago I was yakking away to my long-suffering mother as usual. And she was worrying about my passport not being with me. I (being my obnoxious self) was, of course, highly irate at her worrying and annoyed about her not being able to see why there was nothing to worry about. I still think so. If the Home Office has my passport, it's in the next best place to be (after my keeping, that is)! But what I didn't know then and was brought to my notice a few uncanny moments after my conversation with my mum was that my old house mate had indeed had a delivery for me and missed it. What was even worse was that it had arrived the previous week. RM (whom I've blogged about on y360 before) is lovely and nearly as blonde as I am ;O And the moment her text about the time of its arrival got me, panic didn't just set in, it avalanched in! But RM wouldn't answer when she was able to pick it up. Her answers consisted of 'Claim your peace, girl. God is in control. He has never let you down so far, has He?' The truest words she could have said and although in some ways they annoyed me no end - it was the only thing I could hold on to. Because you see the one thing that was staring me in the face at that moment of (I hate to admit it) fear was that if that letter had had a 'no' in it, I might well be illegal having missed a few days of warning, had there ever been one! Now I don't know how rational that is or how likely or how much time the H O allow when a passport is returned without a visa - but that was what I was feeling.

There followed an evening of complete madness. I actually was sick (literally :( ). Running around like a headless chicken, from chocolate to ice-cream to toilet to pillow to toilet was not really helping either. I could not call my mother lest she panic and worry again. But I emailed her saying I was sorry but that this was the status quo... I knew in my heart that what I really needed to do was sit down on my bed and quieten down. Pray and then wait for God to put His arms around me. I am sure it would have happened had I chosen to do that. Yeah, I was talking to You, Lord, all the time but I was not really happy to listen or to do the looking-in-Your-eyes-kind-of-talking... But what you, reader, must understand is that if I sat down in that quiet I would have had to face my fear and be reduced to a blubbering idiot ;O

So inevitably I went online looking for what I think of as healthy distraction... completely unrelated jabber! What happened there was surreal. Lord, You knew I wasn't able to prepare myself for the direct hugs I've had in the past... You're just fantastic and I can't say that enough! Well, I went online and a friend said hello... Someone whom (does anyone use the relative object pronoun anymore apart from in India?) I had lost touch with. We were delighted to be back in touch and it was great being distracted. There were none of my usual, everyday friends online. Which was good - as I didn't want to explain. There was another person (friend perhaps) whom I have only ever chatted to online - a friend of a friend, don't worry your pretty heads too much, people! It was a desultory monosyllabic-ish wall-posting conversation. But something prompted me to ask him to pray. Perhaps the idea that, because the conversation was desultory, he may not have the time to ask me what about and just pray for my panic. I also asked a couple of others to pray. Lord, I thought that would suit me fine! But God had wonderfully different ideas. Get this! - in fact, I believe the living Lord is quickening to me right now a verse that I can apply to the rest of my life as well - I was looking on http://www.biblegateway.com/ for the verse I needed which was
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
And that was the verse of the day! I know it sounds like a small coincidence but it's not. It's one of His little ways that make you feel special because you really are, in Him. And for those not-so-surers, you can bet your last breath that God is definitely alive and interested! LOL
Ah well, Lord, I can only say it again - You're fantastic.

Anyway back to the story - my dear, patient whoever-is-reading-this - this person online did ask in due course what was up. I started out saying I didn't want to talk about it. But that felt rude as I'd asked for prayer anyway and when you're online and they can't see your face, friends don't always recognise that the expression is trepidation or weariness and not callousness... I'm quite sure this friend may have been a lot more perceptive (as he seems to be) but I ended up telling the story anyway! He listened and prayed a lovely prayer. And it worked. But just when I was telling my tale, the hurt sort of welled up... and that was when I got my special hug. SV, a girl from school, whom I haven't been in touch with since... well, since school... suddenly wrote to me. She said 'Pilgrim, are you free now? I really want to speak to you now.' Because my blog is called Confessions and Ramblings I will say that my immediate reaction was 'Lord! Not another repeat of being someone's confession-box. Surely You don't want that of me now?' Yes, I cringed even as I heard myself think that. But I thought it. There have been some weeks when it has been non-stop... this being a confession-box. I love it. It makes me feel valued and special and like God has a point in putting us together as friends (or, as has happened often, acquaintances!). Friends who are reading this and are like me - do NOT immediately put yourself in that category. You are friends. Much more importantly, God, please don't stop. However, I thought I was too tired for it. Even more honestly I was too full of myself. My fears and my worries. Writing it down here will help me remember my idiotishness, Lord. Thank You.

But I picked myself up, dusted off my ugly moment, and said hello back. I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say because it has been years! Perhaps five or six! Her email said this :

hey ..JESUS has always had an impact in my life...but after i came to X i went for a worship prayer in my school..on campus church...i was filled wid tears..all my X friends strong christians ..told me that i got saved..after that i loved Jesus....im going crazy over HIM..im an hindu basically...but now i love only JEsus!!he has saved me and im goin to go to HEAVEN!!..IM SO EXCITED!i got saved on jan7 and i got baptized on feb21..im soo happy nowadays not feeling lonely in X ..feel gr8..GODS wid me!!im soo happy..i just wanted to tell u..something told me to tell u!!i just wanted to share my exp wid u!! HOLY SPIRIT IS WITH ME!doing wonderful things in ME....PRAISE THE LORD!!!

That is a nearly verbatim quote. It was one of my warmest hugs in a long time. Not all my hugs have been metaphorical ;O but now I know when Jesus wants something done He'll do it His way cos ya win ;) I was then crying and I told AB (not the boots, family and teeth one) online and I wrote back to SV. It was at the exact same moment when I sat there, snivelling and trying not to let my voice break so the family outside would notice, that SV's message popped up on the corner of my screen. She kept saying she didn't know what it was that made it clear to her it was me and not one of her other 130 friends on that site. I kept saying to her that she would never know just how much that moment meant to me. Maybe some day I will write out (meaning write forth) its joy. But for now, it just makes me cry. And in that moment, it just sent my worries out the window and blessed me abundantly. Thank God for the gift of hearing Him and listening to and for Him.

RM then text back saying she would get my post after work. In my panic, however, I had given the wrong postcode for the wrong address. I did not realise until the next morning. That was like a wind-snatching blow in my tum! My father - bless him - decided to call and give me advice on writing official complaints out and going to the post office. It was not well-timed when I was rushing against time! In the end, i just convinced my parents that surely, if I didn't think of it myself (Lord, why must I sound like a teenager in these situations!), the post office was able to advise me better than they were from there! But I just prayed and set off. I am foolish - because even then I was about to give up and cry. But I had been able to surrender it and say 'Lord, whatever losses, financial and otherwise, I submit them to You. You can have it the way You want it because given a choice I wouldn't have it any other way'. I meant it.

That morning, three post offices and several aborted phone calls later, I showed up for work. And prayed for the impossible. But you see, I was praying to the God of the impossible.

Amazingly, the pack arrived at work just where I was when the first mail for the day came in! Despite wrong postcodes, physical panic attacks, my obnoxiousness, thickness and because of people's willingness to pray, my being able to submit (finally!) and God's amazingness. The visa was granted. The issue was never the visa - but the delay and I never wanted to break the law. God saw that I didn't. That's my new insight into the righteousness that comes by faith ;O Lol. Sometimes you say 'Lord, that just may be too close!' But God works in stuff like that. He knew I would panic and He knew I could go no further down than where I was, in His everlasting arms, when He pulled that last rug from under my feet - the misdirected mail. (Deut 33:26-29). I haven't learned a script for the gift of tongues.... but you can see why it's useful!